Poor Nathan Graziano. He has an obsession and is surrounded by temptation all the time. He can’t stop thinking about women in yoga pants, especially now that us ladies are wearing them in places outside of yoga class. “Yoga pants have brought out my worst chauvinistic characteristics — the characteristics I’d like deny exist inside me,” he writes on The Good Men Project. “But when it comes to yoga pants, I can’t.”
Huh. I’ve never thought about it before, but I guess I get it. Yoga pants are tight. They hug hips, thighs, and butts. If they’re too small, they may even give you serious camel toe. (I will happily size up to avoid showing off my labia.) But, as the female friends Graziano talked to explained, yoga pants are also ridiculously comfortable. It’s why we have started to wear them outside of yoga class or the gym. I wear yoga pants basically all weekend, to run errands, to walk my dog, around the house, and sometimes to go to brunch. Yoga pants! They’re the best! Apparently some guys find them drool worthy — I’ve yet to be hollered at while wearing mine, but maybe that’s because I have no makeup on, my hair is unwashed and I’m in a rush to get home to eat my footlong Subway sandwich. The best thing about yoga pants is they stretch while I eat all the food!
But Graziano isn’t buying this whole “yoga pants are so comfy” excuse. They’re so tight, how could they be?! Therefore, us ladies must be wearing them because we want to turn guys like him on. Keep reading »
Dear Calum Ward,
I’m writing to tell you that I’ve finally decided that I’d rather be alone than eat the shit sandwich you’re serving me. I have to save what’s left of my pride. Your most recent incident at the bus station humiliated me so much that I don’t think I have a choice but to dump your crazy, substance abusing, peanut punching ass.
While drunk and high on weed and speed (you told me you were off the speed, liar!) you punched a pack of peanuts and then set them on fire. Seriously, Calum? WTF!? We’ve talked about you not carrying any matches when you’re on one of your benders. And if that weren’t embarrassing enough, after that, you threw yourself, spread eagle on an ambulance and started dry humping it. The police officer who arrested you said that “It look[ed] as though [you were] attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance.” Calum, I can’t. I refuse to be made a fool of any longer! (Not like we were having sex anyway with that whiskey dick of yours.) Keep reading »
Dear Johnnie Blade,
First of all, your parents clearly knew you were destined for greatness, because they gave you a name that could only befit a future porn star or Klingon sword enthusiast. I have no idea about your adult film industry experience, but you were recently arrested for “wildly swinging” a four-foot long sword in a Fort Lauderdale intersection. In your defense, you were actually observed “proudly displaying” your crescent-shaped weapon — a bat’leth, technically — and who could blame you? Klingons are the most fiercely honorable alien species in the “Star Trek” cannon, and their weaponry is incredibly impressive. (Props, by the way, to the person who correctly identified your sword as being Klingon.) jIyajchu’. [That means "I understand fully" in Klingon.] If I were lucky enough to own such a fine blade, I would want to show it off to passing motorists as well. As soon as this misunderstanding is cleared up and the police let you go, we should meet up for a couple glasses of prune juice. Hoch DIl! [I'll pay.]
yIghoSDo’ — and qamuSHa’ [Good luck and I love you],
Gael Garcia Bernal first came to our attention in the 2000 Mexican flick “Amores Perros,” but he really won us over with the fearlessly sexy 2001 film “Y Tu Mamá También.” Since then, the diminutive (saw him in person once, the tiniest) Guadalajara native has thrilled both Spanish- and English-language audiences. His latest, “No,” is a Spanish-language political thriller about a populist campaign to take down Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet. Bernal stars as René Saavedra, a young upstart of an advertising executive who’s tasked with creating a public campaign that will mobilize Chile’s citizens to vote Pinochet out. It’s based on a true story, is up for an Oscar, and looks really good.
You know what else looks really good? Gael Garcia Bernal.
I know it’s going to be a good day when there are brand new Nicholas Hoult photos on the internet, ripe for me to get pervy about! Here he is, looking all godly and stuff alongside his “Jack The Giant Slayer” costars Eleanor Tomlinson and Ewan McGregor. I have to be honest with you, though: I might have a bone to pick with my beloved. His recent ex Jennifer Lawrence was in London over the weekend for the BAFTAs, which Nicholas also attended. We were hoping Jen was headed for a secret Hoult tryst when she arrived at Heathrow Airport incognito, but instead she was photographed crying as she left a restaurant alone Friday night. You see, I just cannot get behind anyone making lovely Jennifer Lawrence cry for any reason, and if Nicholas here had something to do with it, well… I might just have to hunt him down. God, that would be awful, wouldn’t it? Just terrible. Truly. He’s so ugly.
The best way to define what is “sexy” is to first define what is not sexy. Duck face? Not sexy. Fake tans? Not sexy. Internet think pieces about how some young woman making millions in the public aquarium isn’t sexy? Not sexy AND IRONIC.
Lena Dunham’s character Hannah in “Girls” is sexy. Apparently this is a thing that has to be written. She combusts with sexual energy and heartbreaking vulnerability — she simultaneously claws out of and slinks around comfortably in her tattooed skin. Keep reading »
Every Valentine’s Day involves a new barrage of “sexy” lingerie offerings, from lacy teddies to complicated themed costumes. But what do guys really think of these skimpy bedroom outfits? To find out, we asked a bunch of our guy friends to weigh in on six very different V-Day lingerie options and assign each one a sexiness rating from 1-10 (1 being not sexy, 10 being super sexy). Last year’s Man Panel revealed that a large portion of the male population is harboring a serious “Fifth Element” fetish. What will this year’s answers reveal? Read on for a hilarious peek inside the minds of men!
Remember that dream you had in middle school to have the coolest boyfriend ever? Well guess what? These guys are all up for grabs. So girls, don’t fight (it’s not attractive!), there are enough Be My Boyfriends to go around. Keep reading »
Dear Brett Eric Drachenburg aka “The Sun,”
If were sitting in the same room right now, I would be giving you a slow clap. From a safe distance, of course. At least 93 million miles. When you were caught stealing a towel from a Florida home, you told the cops that you were simply trying to disguise yourself as “‘The Sun’ with intent to obstruct the due execution of the law.” Initially, authorities were confused by your explanation and thought you might be referring to The Sun Sentinel newspaper, but when the deputy asked you for your name, you replied, “The Sun.”
The Sun, l know why you stole that towel. You were trying to hide your fire from the world. Trying to protect the world from your heat. Don’t do it, The Sun. Never let anyone dull your shine, baby. Take that towel off your face and let the world have it.
Whoever has no house will not build one anymore/ Whoever is alone now will remain so for a long time. This somber verse is not mine. It was written by the great Rainer Maria Rilke. I am just appropriating them for those who are single this Valentine’s Day. If you don’t have a date, you won’t. If you’re alone this February, you will remain so for a long time. A long time, meaning at least until February 15. I’m not trying to be a downer. It’s just, who wants all the pressure of going on a first date in the next week? Not I. A Japanese company, offering Valentine’s Day Insurance, seems to get this. Keep reading »