It all started with wedding picks.
I was cruising a wedding decorations website looking for garlands and lanterns when I came across something called “wedding picks.” What are wedding picks, you ask? Unclear. Are they toothpicks that go in your pigs in a blanket at the reception? Doodads for your bridal bouquet? Who knows — they seem oddly all-purpose. And yet the Wedding Industrial Complex has convinced people we need them.
Wedding picks aren’t the only bizarre wedding crap I found online — there’s enough WTF decorations and disconcertingly intimate gifts to make “Platinum Weddings” look tasteful. I poked around a bit and here are the 14 pieces of weird wedding crap that I could find.
Many modern brides can’t imagine planning a wedding without Pinterest. They can gleefully pin every detail of their romantic union, from quirky announcements to wedding hairstyles to retro appetizers to the engraved mason jar favors, but as Lexi Petronis recently mentioned over at Glamour‘s Save The Date blog, wedding photographers are not as excited about Pinterest as most of their clients are; in fact, a growing number of photographers rue the day Pinterest was invented. The reason? Well, it turns out many brides aren’t using Pinterest for wedding photo inspiration, they’re simply sending their photographers links of other people’s wedding photos and saying, “This is exactly what I want.”
And if you’ve ever worked as a photographer or tried to recreate someone else’s photo, you know that attitude can be, well, problematic… Keep reading »
Surprise: not much about my engagement and upcoming wedding will be especially traditional. We’re doing it at City Hall. I’m keeping my last name. I’ll wear a dress that I already own. It won’t be white. We’re not having a rehearsal dinner, or monogrammed “Mr.” and “Mrs.” slippers, or 300 goddamned mason jars covered in doilies.
One wedding tradition that is really important to my fiancé, though, is his bachelor party. “It’s an excuse for a party!” he keeps saying. Kale loves an excuse for party like I love a new baby panda video on YouTube.
Alas, despite offers of a coed bachelor/bachelorette party and all the ideas in the world from my girl friends (movie night! spa day! drinking and dancing!), my enthusiasm meter for my own bachelorette extravaganza ranges from meh to meh. Keep reading »
Congratulations, you’re engaged! You’ve decided to combine sock drawers and let someone use the bathroom after you poop for the rest of your life!
Now, I hope your arms aren’t too full because you’re going to spend the next few weeks holding your tongue. Brides- and grooms-to-be, “Congratulations!” or “I’m so happy for you!” is just too hard to say. I am truly sorry. Brace yourselves from some of these doozies instead. Keep reading »
A woman goes through life with a number of labels that she doesn’t have any control over, either by birth or by society’s imposition. But one label she should get to choose is whether she wants to be someone’s “wife” or not. This should be a right for all of us.
A recent piece on Salon.com by soon-to-be-married author Tracy Clark-Flory about the word “wife” really pissed me off. Clark-Flory wrote about going over the language of her wedding ceremony script with her fiancé and getting to the part that says “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Husband? Wife? I could barely conceal my gagging sounds. He said something to the effect of, “Ew, gross.”
It makes me feel like Betty Draper, like I should be fetching his slippers and a scotch on the rocks — and remembering to get the roast bird out of the oven. (In reality, I’ve only just recently expanded my cooking repertoire beyond Kraft mac ‘n’ cheese and things you put in the microwave. He, however, will roast a chicken and make a rustic tart from scratch — all in one night.) I am a daughter, partner and friend — but a wife? I can’t help but imagine saying “I’m his wife” with heavy air quotes, a roll of the eyes or exaggerated feminine cheer.
Clark-Flory then expresses concern that the Middle English/Old English terms for “wife” and “husband” translate, roughly, to “vagina” and “householder.” It’s not that I don’t understand Clark-Flory’s discomfort with both words or their histories (although dredging up the Old English definition? really?). But I’m uneasy with how glib she was about that choice when so many people are scrambling to have the same one. Keep reading »
That awkward moment when you stand up as the bride starts walking down the aisle, expecting a weepy wedding processional, and instead she bumps and grinds her way through “Crazy Bitch,” a Buckcherry song that was on the “National Lampoon’s Van Wilder” movie soundtrack. Keep reading »
For the most part, I’m super excited when one of my friends gets engaged. Good for them, finding the person of their dreams and shit. But what if your friend gets engaged to someone terrible? How are you supposed to respond to that? Because telling her how you really feel — “Do you really want to make the biggest mistake of your life?!” — is out of the question, and staring at her outstretched, blinged-out hand in horror would be, you know, rude, comedienne Sasheer Zamata has some suggestions for how to respond, without lying, when your pal tells you she’s marrying some douchebag. Step 7, “Gestures and Sounds,” will probably be my go-to. [The Hairpin]
Six bridesmaids seems like a lot. Eight? Ten? Twelve? Now you’re really pushing it. But no bride in the history of pushing it has pushed it quite like Katie Dalby, 26, of the UK, who married with 80 bridesmaids by her side. Eighty. Eight-zero. Keep reading »
Kadie Walsh and Dake Schmidt are both super outdoorsy people who make their living as fishing guides in Alaska. When they decided to get married, it was obvious right off the bat that a traditional church wedding wasn’t an option. Instead, these adventurers held their ceremony where they felt most comfortable: in the middle of the Buskin River in Kodiak, Alaska. The bride wore a lovely white dress; the groom wore waders. A salmon theme ran throughout the ceremony and reception, with the entire bridal party holding floral-accented fishing poles, and of course, the couple caught their own pair of fish to celebrate the occasion. After the jump, check out a picture of the soggy bridesmaids, the first kiss, and their first catch as a married couple! Keep reading »
I don’t know what it is, but bachelorette parties have a knack for bringing out the very worst in women. Inevitably, we all have different viewpoints on the ritual (some of us are pumped to wear penis hats and some of us aren’t), we have various amounts we can and will spend to celebrate our bride friend (anywhere from $50 to $5,000, depending on our disposable income) and we have varying degrees of comfortability with group activities (some of us OMG LUV IT! and some would rather drink Drano).
If you’ve ever been on a bachelorette party planning email chain, then you probably had one of three reactions. You were either: 1) the person planning the bachelorette party and therefore super enthusiastic about it and prone to using tons of caps, emails and text speak, 2) the hater who had to remind everyone that you don’t have an extra $5K lying around to do a weekend jaunt to Paris, or 3) the silent bystander left wishing she was never on the email chain in the first place. To make matters worse, we tend to be loathe to say these things directly because of our concern about being nice, which makes the endless stream of emails a virtual pass-aggro, power jockeying shit show. Michelle Markowitz and Caroline Moss perfectly capture the essence of how a typical bachelorette party planning email chain goes down. Even though they’re not real, they could be. It’s almost like they’ve been through the process before. I’m sure they have. After the jump, just one of the imagined responses to “Ali”‘s email above. [The Toast] Keep reading »