It all started with wedding picks.
I was cruising a wedding decorations website looking for garlands and lanterns when I came across something called “wedding picks.” What are wedding picks, you ask? Unclear. Are they toothpicks that go in your pigs in a blanket at the reception? Doodads for your bridal bouquet? Who knows — they seem oddly all-purpose. And yet the Wedding Industrial Complex has convinced people we need them.
Wedding picks aren’t the only bizarre wedding crap I found online — there’s enough WTF decorations and disconcertingly intimate gifts to make “Platinum Weddings” look tasteful. I poked around a bit and here are the 14 pieces of weird wedding crap that I could find.
Many modern brides can’t imagine planning a wedding without Pinterest. They can gleefully pin every detail of their romantic union, from quirky announcements to wedding hairstyles to retro appetizers to the engraved mason jar favors, but as Lexi Petronis recently mentioned over at Glamour‘s Save The Date blog, wedding photographers are not as excited about Pinterest as most of their clients are; in fact, a growing number of photographers rue the day Pinterest was invented. The reason? Well, it turns out many brides aren’t using Pinterest for wedding photo inspiration, they’re simply sending their photographers links of other people’s wedding photos and saying, “This is exactly what I want.”
And if you’ve ever worked as a photographer or tried to recreate someone else’s photo, you know that attitude can be, well, problematic… Keep reading »
Surprise: not much about my engagement and upcoming wedding will be especially traditional. We’re doing it at City Hall. I’m keeping my last name. I’ll wear a dress that I already own. It won’t be white. We’re not having a rehearsal dinner, or monogrammed “Mr.” and “Mrs.” slippers, or 300 goddamned mason jars covered in doilies.
One wedding tradition that is really important to my fiancé, though, is his bachelor party. “It’s an excuse for a party!” he keeps saying. Kale loves an excuse for party like I love a new baby panda video on YouTube.
Alas, despite offers of a coed bachelor/bachelorette party and all the ideas in the world from my girl friends (movie night! spa day! drinking and dancing!), my enthusiasm meter for my own bachelorette extravaganza ranges from meh to meh. Keep reading »
Congratulations, you’re engaged! You’ve decided to combine sock drawers and let someone use the bathroom after you poop for the rest of your life!
Now, I hope your arms aren’t too full because you’re going to spend the next few weeks holding your tongue. Brides- and grooms-to-be, “Congratulations!” or “I’m so happy for you!” is just too hard to say. I am truly sorry. Brace yourselves from some of these doozies instead. Keep reading »
A woman goes through life with a number of labels that she doesn’t have any control over, either by birth or by society’s imposition. But one label she should get to choose is whether she wants to be someone’s “wife” or not. This should be a right for all of us.
A recent piece on Salon.com by soon-to-be-married author Tracy Clark-Flory about the word “wife” really pissed me off. Clark-Flory wrote about going over the language of her wedding ceremony script with her fiancé and getting to the part that says “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Husband? Wife? I could barely conceal my gagging sounds. He said something to the effect of, “Ew, gross.”
It makes me feel like Betty Draper, like I should be fetching his slippers and a scotch on the rocks — and remembering to get the roast bird out of the oven. (In reality, I’ve only just recently expanded my cooking repertoire beyond Kraft mac ‘n’ cheese and things you put in the microwave. He, however, will roast a chicken and make a rustic tart from scratch — all in one night.) I am a daughter, partner and friend — but a wife? I can’t help but imagine saying “I’m his wife” with heavy air quotes, a roll of the eyes or exaggerated feminine cheer.
Clark-Flory then expresses concern that the Middle English/Old English terms for “wife” and “husband” translate, roughly, to “vagina” and “householder.” It’s not that I don’t understand Clark-Flory’s discomfort with both words or their histories (although dredging up the Old English definition? really?). But I’m uneasy with how glib she was about that choice when so many people are scrambling to have the same one. Keep reading »
That awkward moment when you stand up as the bride starts walking down the aisle, expecting a weepy wedding processional, and instead she bumps and grinds her way through “Crazy Bitch,” a Buckcherry song that was on the “National Lampoon’s Van Wilder” movie soundtrack. Keep reading »