In December 2007, I was introduced to someone by a co-worker, because he and I were both seeking the same thing: "just to have 'decent' fun"; otherwise known as, hanging out with a weekly romp penciled in the schedule. on the first date, we hit it off, realized we were two of the same people (our birthdays are literally 3 days apart and we are both cusp aquarians), and hit it off so well that we ended up having sex. well, i don't know if that can be described as hitting it off "well". we "went out" (had sex every week with the exception of our birthdays when we invited each other to our nightclub celebrations and perhaps a few rare stances when we attempted to do something but ended up at his place)and spoke every night on the phone. things didn't seem so bad. however, succumbing to my pre-disposed old way feminine side (or at least what society prescribes), i started wanting more. he always said "i prefer to take things as they go along, i don't want to say that i don't want to be with someone, because you just never know what can happen". basically after fighting with him a few times, on subjects that even i cannot recall, he started calling me less and after flipping out about that, he put an end, even saying "i am not even attracted to you anymore" (versus his previous, "i am wildly attracted to you" comment that he couldn't stop repeating). we stopped dating in april and he said he wanted to remain my "friend". as my "friend", we spoke on the phone every now and then, we went out twice, with his other friends, who "love" hanging out with me as well. at the end of june he called me over one night and said he can't be friends with me anymore and quotes that "i miss you, i really miss talking to you, i can't help but being attracted to you, and you're a person i don't want out of my life". i give in, we do the mattress mambo and we're together again. the question begins to bother me "what are we?"

he has a collage of pictures on his wall. at the top of all of his thirty something pictures or so, which include his closest friends and family members is two head shots of his ex-girlfriend that he was "madly in love with". to make things short, i told him it made me really uncomfortable, although i did not ask him to take them down. he said she will always have a special place in his heart and will not take down the pictures. it's almost the end of july, i've met his family, we've been actually dating (going outside the bedroom and doing things, having fun with each other), he's met my brother and closest cousin, and i plan on introducing him to my parents at the end of august at a family party.

i can't help but feel incredibly sad and uncomfortable from time to time though. he doesn't want to take down those pictures, i haven't asked him for a "title" as to what we are. am i being too overanalytical, asking for too much too soon? i am sick of putting on kleenex box demanding songs and pouring out tears in fear of heartbreak. oh and did i mention, he's probably the most normal guy i've dated? someone help!!

Well, I think part of your issue here is that "he's probably the most normal guy" you've dated! This kind of statement definitely means you're bringing in old issues to a new(ish) relationship. That's the first thing you need to work on.

Second, why does a "title" to the relationship matter so much to you? If you're doing date-y activities and clearly very close and having fun together, why do you feel so much pressure to put a label on your romance? It's silly, but some guys simply balk at the labeling (often due to friends, bad experience with past, possessive label-obsessing girlfriends, and/or media/environmental influences). Do you need a label to trust him not to sleep with other women? Do you need a label for some sort of assurance of progression in the relationship? Or do you need this label because you don't believe he's really into you?

I don't have any great solution for you except to stop obsessing about the relationship's title and focus more on the qualities of it that fulfill whatever the title is you seek. Meaning, if you want a "boyfriend," instead of focusing on the word, focus on the things he does that are like being a good "boyfriend." In time, he'll approach you when he's ready to label things. And as far as the ex-girlfriend's picture.... just get over it and make him so happy he wants to put your picture everywhere. She's part of his past and that's something you have to learn to accept.

Well, I think the "scared of commitment" phrase is too commonly used. What it really means is that you are being used: used for comfort, used for sympathy, and used most of all, for sex. Dogs do this a lot. They want the girlfriend figure without having to play the boyfriend part. Although I don't know this guy and I don't know what you share, he sounds like a loser who's hung up on his ex. Think about it...he's not giving you what you want. He won't adhere to your need for a label and he won't get rid of the damn pictures. Yeah, you may think you are being "needy", but you're being NORMAL. I don't like this guy and you need to dump him. I don't care if he's now playing nice and meeting your family, he'll leave when he finds someone he thinks is better. Dump him and find someone who truly wants to be with you. Someone who gives you the run-around like that is not worth the tears you shed.

I don't know... after 15 years of dating, I tend to think that if you're not happy and he's not giving you what you want, move on. There are guys out there that will.

Having a title doesn't mean he'll act in a different manner. And it also doesn't mean he won't leave when he finds someone better.

Texas24 - 23 July 2008 03:18 PM

Well, I think the "scared of commitment" phrase is too commonly used. What it really means is that you are being used: used for comfort, used for sympathy, and used most of all, for sex. Dogs do this a lot. They want the girlfriend figure without having to play the boyfriend part. Although I don't know this guy and I don't know what you share, he sounds like a loser who's hung up on his ex. Think about it...he's not giving you what you want. He won't adhere to your need for a label and he won't get rid of the damn pictures. Yeah, you may think you are being "needy", but you're being NORMAL. I don't like this guy and you need to dump him. I don't care if he's now playing nice and meeting your family, he'll leave when he finds someone he thinks is better. Dump him and find someone who truly wants to be with you. Someone who gives you the run-around like that is not worth the tears you shed.

And for what it's worth, I think having the "are we exclusive?" talk is much more important than asking "what are we called"? After establishing that you're exclusive, if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and look like a duck, well...

thank you all for your feedback, it has really settled my mind. i really love this site, man.

FWIW, I don't think you're being too demanding by wanting to know what the "title" is. There are a reason people use "titles." If I am wildly in love with someone but we haven't established that we are an exclusive thing, then I still consider myself single. My BF and I had this conversation when we became exclusive - when we were just dating, he would piss me off with a lot of the stuff he did, but I put up with it. But when he said he wanted to be exclusive, one of the first things I said was, "if we do this, I'm not putting up with that crap from you anymore. I expect more from a boyfriend." And you should - a "boyfriend" should be someone you can depend on more than someone you're just "dating" and you don't have to feel bad about wanting to know where you stand. It might be unromantic to define these things, but if you have a "title" (whether it be "exclusive relationship" or just "casually dating") then you know what you can expect from that person, and what that person expects from you. It defines responsibilities and boundaries and, I think, goes a long way in keeping each person happy because they know what their "role" is.

Some of the stuff he said before this late-June escapade made me wary of how he's treating you and if he's taking advantage of you. But you haven't told us a whole lot about what he's said since you've "reunited" so it's hard to say. But if he keeps pushing you away, I say lose him. Nothing personal against him, but if he can't give you what you want, then there's no sense in trying to force happiness.