If ABC’s “The Bachelor” teaches us anything about love (besides the fact that I am thrilled I was engaged and married before 25), it’s this: You can’t force love. From The Supremes we may have learned “You Can’t Hurry Love,” but “The Bachelor” has taught us something even more important.
The fact is, no matter how much you want to “open up” to someone or make them love you over the other girls, it’s never going to happen unless it’s there to begin with. There is a reason the “on paper” guy is bad everywhere else. And let’s face it: For most of the girls on the show, Ben Flajnik – and every Bachelor besides him — is merely good on paper.
It’s the annoying secret the sobbing girls in the limo always seem to forget. The fact is, not every guy is going to be a good match. Read more…
This is what your pencil would say about you if anyone used pencils anymore. Do you know anyone who does? If I had any artistic ability whatsoever, I would remake this chart but with penises instead. [The Shelter Of Magnolias]
News recently broke that the Spice Girls are considering a reunion at the Olympic Games in London this summer. I think this is the best idea in the history of the world. In fact, I’m not sure the Olympics should happen at all if the Spice Girls’ appearance falls through. Why? Because there are 10 reasons the Olympics needs the Spice Girls: Keep reading »
There’s been a heck of a lot of talk about Portland lately, what with the Fred Armisen/Carrie Brownstein show “Portlandia,” all about how the city stuck in the ’90s with its progressive politics and its locavore restaurants and its whole DIY artisinal cheese vibe. Watching “Portlandia” was a little headsmackingly close to home for me, though, because I live in Brooklyn. And not just any part of Brooklyn — Greenpoint, which is the Polish neighborhood directly to the north of Hipster Ground Zero, Williamsburg. Since Winona lives in Portland, we decided to compare and contrast our two fair cities — after all,”Portlandia” spawned an awful Brooklyn parody called Brokelandia (don’t watch it, it’s truly appalling). The verdict? Well, we’ve got Maggie Gyllenhaal. How you like us now?
The dentist’s office is a confusing place: the sound of the drill, the smell of fluoride, the group of strangers probing at your mouth and asking you if you have a boyfriend. And you know what? It’s even worse if you start listening for innuendo. Here are 10 things my dentists have said to me over the years that might have actually been pick-up lines:
Keep reading »
Stop toying with us, music industry. Fiona Apple is too incredible a musician to keep dicking her fans around! Alas, that’s what record companies have always done with Fiona, from her 2005 album Extraordinary Machine to her latest album, which has been sitting in limbo for one-year-plus. But over the weekend, Epic Records CEO L.A. Reid gave us hope: on Sunday he tweeted, “Lots of good music coming from @Epic_Records in the next few weeks. Stay tuned music fans. Welcome back Fiona!” In the next few weeks? Be still my heart! I don’t understand why backed-up albums keep happening to Fiona Apple, especially since she has a solid and ardent fan base. Is it a bad string of luck? Is she difficult to work with? Can the music industry make more money off Nicki Minaj singing about a “stupid hoe”? It’s probably some combination of all three. Release Fiona’s new album, Epic Records, and I promise I’ll buy the shit out of it. [Twitter.com/LA_Reid, Rolling Stone]