Dear Pigeon Who Relieved Itself On My Head,
My scalp is not your toilet! Do you have any idea what it’s like to have have some good morning mojo going, to be steps away from arriving to work ON TIME (I’m not a morning person) only to be shit on by a winged rat? It sucks. I was rounding the corner to my office building, listening to Astral Weeks by Van Morrison, trying to feel a vague sense of well-being and spiritual connectedness when you dropped your load on my head. I prayed that the warm mess in my hair was just a big raindrop. But it was not raining. I put my finger in it and my nightmare came true. I ran into the nearest deli with a shit smear on my finger. I rode the elevator with your pigeon-y poop on my hand. People looked at me. I’m sure they smelled me. Or should I say, YOU. Keep reading »
This place really exists, and you don’t have to go over the rainbow to find it. You just have to hop a plane to Hokkaido, Japan. Just slightly easier than getting knocked out by a tornado and having a vivid hallucination. This is a visual representation of what my inner landscape looked like before that pigeon pooped on my head. Now I am trying to get back to here. Surely, no pigeons live in the his purple place. [Reddit]
Oh, where to begin, where to begin? “Miss Advised,” Bravo’s new show about dating experts who don’t actually know anything about dating, started episode two with good news for unemployed dating columnist Julia Allison — she’s been “offered” a “job” “writing” for Elle! After working as a “journalist” for 10 years, this is her dream job! What luck! What’s not mentioned, of course, is that her “job” with Elle was arranged for her by Bravo. Duh, whatever, the arrangement is exposure for Elle so I can’t hate on anyone for pulling strings. Except that even a fake-ish gig is too much for Julia Allison to handle, who breaks down in tears after her totally cringe-worthy call with her new editor, who requested that she come up with some ideas for her column. The stress and fear that she might fail is too much. Why did her mom have to set such high expectations for success by being a speech writer for Nixon? Keep reading »
Ladies, maybe we’re all doing something wrong. I say that because after watching this video of this obviously batcrackers woman walking down the aisle while singing Christina Aguilera’s “The Right Man,” I wonder if we are simply not acting crazy enough. I mean, this woman got married, y’all. She found a man who loves her. And she found an entire room full of people who were willing to sit through her serenading her fiance during her wedding and manage to not laugh at her. That’s pretty amazing. So, hmm, maybe she’s out of her mind, but she’s clearly doing something right.
Remember that Google Chrome ad featuring a Google Doc aimed at winning a spurned girlfriend back? How annoying is that commercial, right? Well the folks over at Upright Citizens Brigade made a response video, from the perspective of pissed off girlfriend Jen, and it’s pretty funny. Check it out, and watch the original video after the jump! Keep reading »
In honor of the movie that every woman and gay man with a pulse will be masturbating to come Friday — and what at least one critic has called “The ‘Citizen Kane’ of stripper movies” — I have scoured the internet and assembled all the “Magic Mike” GIFs worth drooling over. Behold, bare asses, pelvic thrusts, grinding hips, T-shirts being ripped off, and other various states of the hot cast undressed. (Duh, NSFW.) You are so fucking welcome.
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