• Entertainment

Nope, My Name Is Not “Vagina,” Despite What Starbucks Says

Julie GersteinMay 1, 2013 //
"SNL" Skewers Starbucks
The "SNL" crew obviously goes to the same terrible Starbucks as us. Read More »
Love Letter: Starbucks
A love letter to the the baristas who get Jessica's order right. Read More »
Starbucks Lessons
There are life lessons to be learned from working at Starbucks. Read More »

Starbucks’ baristas getting customers’ names wrong is the stuff of legends — and “Saturday Night Live” skits.

As a “Julie” I’m pretty much guaranteed to get a cup with “Judy” scrawled across it, but fuck it, I’ll live. Amelia’s gotten Amoeba. Ami’s gotten Emmy. The name Virginia, though, is apparently a bit trickier. Earlier this week, a woman named Virginia visited a Starbucks in Hong Kong and got a cup with “Vagina” scrawled across it. The woman’s sister was angered by the is-this-my-sister’s-name-or-my-genitals Starbucks experience, and posted a note on the store’s Facebook page. Keep reading »

I Am Thoroughly Obsessed With Sarah Simmons’ Cover Of “Wild Horses” On “The Voice”

Ami AngelowiczMay 1, 2013 //
Xtina On "The Voice"
16 GIFs of Christina Aguilera being awesome on "The Voice." Read More »
"The Voice" Open Letter
Dear "The Voice," You are starting to suck. Read More »
Tony Lucca On "The Voice"
The former Mouseketeer is on "The Voice" this season. Read More »
Holy Crap She's Good
"Wild Horses" by Sarah Simmons

I know it happened on Monday, but I am behind on life. Please forgive me. That’s just the pace I’m moving at these days. If you are slow like me and/or don’t watch “The Voice” because it’s gotten annoying with all its striving to be like a sports season, I will watch for you and let you know when there’s something you need to know about. OK! You need to know about Sarah Simmons and her cover of The Rolling Stones’ “Wild Horses.” This is one of my favorite songs and it’s been covered extensively, so I think it’s hard to blow this record out the box. In my opinion, Sarah did. I watched it 17 times last night before bed and yes, I cried a little. What of it? It spoke to my spirit animal, which very well may be a wild horse. After the jump, I’ve included Sarah’s version of Joan Osbourne’s “One Of Us” that she sang for the auditions. Also quite BEEEP. Keep reading »

This Is A Very Important Video Of A Cat Snoring Over A Glass Of OJ

Jessica WakemanMay 1, 2013 //
Lil Bub Meets DeNiro
An illustrious moment in both their careers. Read More »
P*ssy Shaver
cat shaved
Australian news warns a "p*ssy shaver" is on the loose. Read More »
Sloth Smothers Cat
sloth cat
A handsy sloth gets all up in this poor kitty's business. Read More »
cat sleeping OJ
Zzzzzz...

Everyone knows cats require 23 hours of sleep so they’re fully rested for … whatever it is they do the rest of the day. This whiskery old kitteh was just trying to have a snooze over a glass of orange juice when someone got all up in his face with a video camera. How invasive. Sheesh. Now I know how Angie and Brad must feel. [Huffington Post]

The Porn Version Of “Parks & Rec” Actually Looks Pretty Funny

Julie GersteinMay 1, 2013 //
XXX Porn Spoof
"SpongeKnob Square Nuts" is absolutely terrifying. Read More »
Almie: Hipstar vs. Pornstar
How to totally transform your look. Read More »
Porn Stars Without Makeup
Porn stars without makeup
They look kinda like regular people! Read More »
"It is literally naked women devouring t-bone steaks."

A few “Parks & Recreation” episodes back, Leslie helped save the local (Jason Schwartz-run) art house video store, but it had unintended consequences. To make money, the store was transformed into a porn warehouse, and a Pawnee-themed porn––including Leslie and Ron-a-likes––was made. It turns out, somebody in the real porn universe must have been watching, because the folks at Wood Rocket TV created “Porks  & Recreation,” which includes actually pretty funny parodies of all your favorite “Parks & Rec” characters. Dick Chibbles (try and say that without giggling) as Ron Swanson is actually pretty good, while Aiden Starr plays Leslie Knope. My only qualm is that the idea of Ron and Leslie banging feels way too incest-y. Ron’s like a dad to Leslie! Otherwise, A+ adaptation. [YouTube]

Tanning Mom & 7 Other Non-Celebs Who Recorded Singles To Stay Relevant

Ami AngelowiczMay 1, 2013 //
Tanning Mom
Mother arrested for putting her 5-year-old in a tanning bed. Read More »
Anal Sex Songs
anal sex songs
We think these supposedly clean pop songs are actually about anal. Read More »
Reality Sex Tapes
When reality stars have sex tapes. 10 Photos »

I guess when the sex tape thing didn’t pull through, Tanning Mom, my muse, had to come up with another way to stay in the spotlight. What about her biopic starring her? I’m dying for that! Anyhow, Patty Krentcil decided to hit the recording studio and cut her first single, “It’s Tan Mom!” The truth is, I don’t care why she’s releasing her new single, just that she is. The track, which begins with Tanning Mom channeling her inner Britney Spears (“It’s Tan Mom, bitch!”) is due out on iTunes May 6. That should pretty much be the best day of my life. Until then, I guess I’ll have to listen to other ill-conceived singles released by people desperate to extend their 15 minutes. I don’t include Reality TV stars in this category because they ALL try their hand at a music career. My two exceptions are Danielle Staub and Courtney Stodden because I have love for those cray bitches. After the jump, some of my favorite never-were-celebrity songs. [AU News] Keep reading »

Behold, A Glorious Inflatable Turd Sculpture

Jessica WakemanApril 30, 2013 //
quick pic
Paul McCarthy poop sculpture

This artwork you see before you in a 51-foot-tall inflatable turd sculpture called “Complex Pile.” The inflatable turd sculptor is named Paul McCarthy, although I originally read his name as Paul McCartney and was freaking out for several moments about how and when Sir Paul McCartney diverged from music to inflatable poop sculptures. I was having a hard time processing that. Let me tell you, I am relieved. Anyway, Paul McCarthy‘s other work included a giant inflatable ketchup bottle and a giant inflatable butt plug. Clearly this man is a genius. “Complex Pile” is on display in Hong Kong right now, if you feel like checking out a humongous shit. [Laughing Squid]

Celebs & Dog Poop
Anne Hathaway and 11 other celebs picking up dog poop. Read More »
Al Pooped His Pants
And at the White House no less! Read More »
How To Poop 24 Karat Gold
These pills will do it! Read More »

These Creepy Comments From Children Will Give You Chills

The StirApril 30, 2013 //

When my youngest son was maybe 2 years old, he crept outside our bedroom door very early one morning while my husband and I were still asleep. I awoke to a deadpan, tiny voice whispering, “Let her in. Let. Her. In. Let her in,” over and over and over.

Turns out the cat was pawing at the back door, and he was just informing us it was time to, you know, let her in. But holy shitballs, that wasn’t even remotely my first thought. (My first thought was vampires, okay? IT WAS VAMPIRES.)

That was a legitimately spooky moment, but it doesn’t even hold a (flickering, ghostly) candle to this hair-raising Reddit thread titled, “Parents, what is the creepiest thing your young child has ever said to you?” Clocking in at over 11,000 comments, the forum is filled with an amazing array of stories ranging from hilariously weird to downright terrifying. Read more on The Stir…

 

Justin Timberlake’s Meowing Cats Are The New Screaming Goats

Julie GersteinApril 30, 2013 //
"Suit & MEOW!"

Are you over screaming goats yet? It’s okay, neither are we. But in the event that you’d like a new hilarious animal sound/pop song mashup, we present to you Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie” with kitten backup singers. Who knew JTims sounded so much like an angry cat? [HyperVocal]

Goats Yelling Like Humans
goats yelling
The video that started it all. Read More »
Justin's 2-Part Album
JT is releasing a second CD of "20/20" experience. Read More »
Screaming Goat Vids
The ten best screaming goat music videos. Watch »

10 Steps To A Terrifying Online Medical Diagnosis (In GIFs)

Winona Dimeo-EdigerApril 29, 2013 //
The Hypochondriac
Gifts for the friend who's "always under the weather." 11 Photos »
Annoying Dating Advice
Illustrated by GIFs! Read More »
People you'll meet at the gym
In GIFs! Read More »
I have how long to live?!

For the past week or so, I’ve had a small itchy rash on my cheek. Yesterday I finally went to the doctor, and by “went to the doctor” I mean I typed “itchy cheek rash” into Google, read about the most dire medical problems that include cheek rashes in their list of symptoms, and convinced myself I’m going to die. Are you interested in diagnosing your medical problems online? Want to guarantee the lowest level of accuracy and the highest level of panic? Not sure where to start? Read on to try my patented 10-step method, illustrated by GIFs… Keep reading »

Michigan Mother Is Very Concerned About Anne Frank’s Clitoris

Jessica WakemanApril 29, 2013 //
anne frank

Meet Gail Horalek, the busybody parent to top all busybody parents. She is very concerned that her daughter’s copy of The Diary Of A Young Girl is pornographic. It would seem that it’s not offensive enough that a vibrant young woman was a victim of the Holocaust. It’s also very offensive that Anne Frank played with her clitoris.

Horalek’s 7th grade daughter chose to read the newer, unedited “definitive edition” of Diary Of A Young Girl for a class project. This version was long blocked by Anne’s father (the only surviving member of the Frank family) because it contained more sexual themes; however, schools have been reading it for over a decade now. But Gail Horalek will not abide this smut! Keep reading »

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