The latest in celebrity breakup-related depression is the alleged separation of Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis. I heard the rumors just last week, and chalked them up to just that — rumors. Neither of the two parties have come forward with an official statement but, lo and behold, they’ve landed the cover story of this week’s People with a tale of “love gone wrong” and “their separate lives.” The cover continues to read:
After 13 years and two kids, the couple’s longtime relationship has hit the rocks. Inside the secretive stars troubled love life.
As much as I don’t want to believe it, it’s People. People never gets it wrong, and especially not on the cover. I’m interpreting this story as one of sad truth. In honor of Johnny and Vanessa’s time together, here’s a look back at some of the couple’s appearances over the past 13 years. I wish all the best for them and their children.
Like bold red lipstick, cat-eye liner is one makeup trick that is less of a trend and more of a lifestyle. It’s always en vogue, and those who embrace it do so with wild abandon. It’s no coincidence that nearly all of my style icons, the women past and present that I consistently look to for guidance (or whatever, I’m shallow), have been known to boast the eternally sexy black flick. There was no drought of eye-catching makeup looks at this year’s Golden Globes, some good, others shameful, but there’s only one that was so on-point that I said to myself, Never again will I wear my cat-eye liner is a manner that is not precisely this one.
That show-stopping pair of eyes belonged to Angelina Jolie, who has long been my eye makeup and otherwise idole supreme (see also: deity, muse, most beautiful praying mantis-woman to ever walk the earth). Never — never— before, in all my days, have I bore witness to such exquisitely blended, gorgeously defined black liner. Imagine my dismay when, come the day after the awards, Angelina’s makeup artist had yet to come forward with the tools and technique used to acquire this most enviable look. Luckily, I have the all-abiding patience and focus of a savant, which I put to good use by settling myself in front of the mirror in a series of trial and error. Forty-five minutes, three brushes, and one handful of spilled kohl later, and what do I have to show for it? Only the most gorgeous eyeliner ever, of course, and the goodwill to pass it on.
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“We’d sort of had a little bit of an argument and [my mom] was leaving and my make-up artist had given me for Easter – I don’t know why – this enormous penis … a rubber one … it was quite wobbly. It was definitely decorative. It wasn’t functional. I kept on stashing it in my trailer and I thought, ‘I’m just gonna put it in her hand luggage when she goes to the airport and maybe that’ll somehow cheer us up,’ so I did that … I was gonna let it get to that point but my make-up artist was so horrified that I’d done it … I had to call her up and say, ‘Look, I’m really sorry, but just look in your bag.’ She went, ‘Oh my God, Kate, I can’t believe you’ve done it. What am I going to do with it?’ … I think she had to somehow dump it at the airport … I do like a penis joke. Doesn’t everybody? We have a tradition in my family now. Whenever I visit my mother’s house I always have to leave a banana and two apples, or whatever fruit she has, in a penis state in her fruit bowl just so she thinks of me when I’ve gone.”
– Kate Beckinsale on the penis prank she played on her mom. I respect Kate’s story. I strongly encourage humor of this sort. Fake penises, farts in jars, I love it all. The more, the better. My inner age is eight, by the way. [Starpulse]