“I don’t get down with jerking off, dude. Look. I don’t believe in everything that the church says. I try to do the right thing. I lead a clean and pure life. I’m a married guy. I have a beautiful wife. Sex is not the most important thing to me, being horny all the time, spanking the — I mean, it’s not against the law. You can do whatever you want. And it’s not like, ‘I shouldn’t do it because of my faith. I’m just not really that into it that much anyway.”
In addition to assuring the masses that had he been on a hijacked 9/11 plane, “it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” Mark Wahlberg wants you to know that he’s not that into jerking off. Thanks for sharing, Mark! Now go back to shoving your foot in your mouth. Read more quotes from Mark’s Men’s Journal interview at the link. [Evil Beet Gossip]
OK. Once you’re done gawking at the absurdity of Jessica Simpson’s latest Twitpic, let’s talk about why she might be wearing this penis mask, which, may I add, is absolutely hideous. Penises are not the most attractive organs, but this mask is really doing dicks everywhere an injustice. She says it’s for a bachelorette weekend. But that’s too cruel to do to a bride-to-be. Is she trying to put the girl off sex for the rest of her life? I suspect this may be her way of telling us she’s having a boy. She does love a good Twitpic announcement. Discuss. [Buzzfeed]
The latest in celebrity breakup-related depression is the alleged separation of Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis. I heard the rumors just last week, and chalked them up to just that — rumors. Neither of the two parties have come forward with an official statement but, lo and behold, they’ve landed the cover story of this week’s People with a tale of “love gone wrong” and “their separate lives.” The cover continues to read:
After 13 years and two kids, the couple’s longtime relationship has hit the rocks. Inside the secretive stars troubled love life.
As much as I don’t want to believe it, it’s People. People never gets it wrong, and especially not on the cover. I’m interpreting this story as one of sad truth. In honor of Johnny and Vanessa’s time together, here’s a look back at some of the couple’s appearances over the past 13 years. I wish all the best for them and their children.