“I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle.”

—Newlywed Kevin Jonas describes his princess-themed wedding with Danielle Deleasa in easily the most barfy quote of the year. [People]

Hey, Life & Style? While I am usually a fan of makeunders, I really liked the “Jersey Shore” cast exactly as they were. Why did you have to “class” them up with those fancy dresses and stupid man vests? How could you deflate Snooki’s pouf? That’s just ... wrong. [Just Jared]

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Is Tiger Woods hiding from the public eye because Elin Nordegren busted him in the face so bad with a golf club that he had to fly to Phoenix for plastic surgery?

That’s what a letter posted on the gossip blog Hollywood Interrupted is claiming. Blogs Gawker and Deadspin both say the letter is a hoax, as it is supposedly written by a close confidante of Woods’ agent, who also happens to be one of Woods’ neighbors. Probably true—hoaxes are hot right now! Anyway, the dirtiest dirt, after the jump ...

• Bummer. Taylor (Swift) and Taylor (Lautner) have split. [Us Weekly]
• Here’s your first look at Kourtney Kardashian’s son Mason. [PopEater]
• Michael Lohan allegedly kicked his ex-girlfriend in the babymaker. [TMZ]

“I think women like bad boys,” Jude shared with Parade. “That’s been my experience. I just think it’s kind of a given. You know, at a certain age you figure out what works for you and being a good boy never worked for me. And if you’re a bad boy, they like it. But, eventually, you have to grow up and realize relationships are hard work. It’s like cultivating anything. They need attention.”

—Jude Law in Parade [Just Jared]

Kim Kardashian posted this photo on her blog, with the following explanation:

I stopped by Katalyst while Ashton Kutcher was filming! They had this little monkey that the magician, Dynamo, made appear! I thought he was really cute at first, but then he peed on me!! Ashton said the monkey had pooped on him, so I didn’t feel too bad, haha. Gross little monkey!

Wait. Wasn’t her ex, Ray J, into pissing too? [Kim Kardashian Online]

Police have released Brooke Mueller’s 911 call, in which she alleges that her husband, Charlie Sheen, had a knife and threatened to kill her. In addition, police have also given more details about the incident—according to Mueller’s initial statement, she and Sheen got into a fight when she said she wanted a divorce. According to TMZ, Mueller said:

“Sheen became enraged, grabbed her by the upper part of her throat while straddling her on the bed. She says Sheen then pulled out a knife and held it to her throat, saying, ‘You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I’ll kill you ... Your mother’s money means nothing. I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won’t leave any trace.’”

Sheen was arrested at the scene, and while he acknowledges the couple was fighting over Mueller wanting a divorce, he denies he ever threatened Mueller with a knife. He also said that Mueller abuses alcohol—Mueller was intoxicated the morning of the incident. While all of the charges against Sheen have yet to be proven, Mueller’s 911 call certainly is upsetting—she’s crying and sounds terrified. Given Sheen’s past history of domestic violence, we just hope these two go their separate ways at the very least. [TMZ]

• Ivana Trump got kicked off a plane for swearing at kids and flight attendants. [PopEater]
• The National Enquirer claims Britney Spears had an abortion. [National Enquirer]
• Did Khloe Kardashian have a miscarriage? [Jezebel]

“It seems to be an age where everyone goes through changes. All my good friends have. Everyone’s either breaking up or getting involved or married or having a baby.”

—Singer Norah Jones on turning 30 [USA Today]

Charlie Sheen‘s klassy Christmas Day domestic violence arrest just keeps getting more sordid! TMZ claims law enforcement sources said Sheen allegedly threatened his wife, Brooke Mueller, with a knife and police observed marks on her body which may have come from a scuffle.

But Mueller is no class act herself. The mother of twin 9-month-old boys was legally drunk with a .13 blood alcohol level when she reported Sheen to the police. Let us remind you police responded to a 911 call at 8:34 a.m. on Christmas. Who is that drunk that early on Christmas morning?!?! [I hit the mimosas pretty early myself, but I am never drunk before noon. Even on Christmas.—Editor] Especially when you’ve got infants at home.