Poor Frances Bean Cobain. On top of having a dead father she also has the most bat s**t, crazy mother in the world.  So crazy is her mommy dearest that she had to try to escape before her 18th birthday. We all let out a little sigh of relief last week when Crazney Love lost custody of Frances. The word is that Cobain’s paternal grandmother and aunt filed a motion to keep custody proceedings confidential from the public because they include “domestic violence” allegations. I wish I could say I was surprised. Again … poor Frances. I hope she will be able to heal from what I can only imagine must have been a very erratic childhood. After the jump, 10 reasons why we think Frances Bean knew it was time to split. As if the physical abuse wasn’t enough. [Newser]

“To be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait. After we did it, I was kind of like, that’s it?”

—Newlywed Kevin Jonas on finally getting to bump uglies for the first time with his new wife at a press conference [Huffington Post]

UPDATE: Soooo, apparently the dude who wrote about this on HuffPo, Andy Borowitz, is some sort of “comedian” and making up quotes like this is part of his idea of “humor.” The funny thing is I fell for it, because it does not seem so crazy to think a Jonas Brother would find sex to be meh. So, yeah, sorry folks. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

• Tila Tequila has lied again; she’s not exactly pregnant with her brother and sister-in-law’s baby yet. [PopEater]
• Mary J. Blige allegedly had a fist fight with her husband at a nightclub. [Media Takeout]
• Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher went vintage shopping to find gifts for their whole family. [People]

Santa just shoved a big honkin’ piece of gossip down our stocking a day early: a source tells Gawker that Susan Sarandon split from Tim Robbins, her beau of 23 years, for Jonathan Bricklin, a 31-year-old investor in a Manhattan ping pong club. For those of you who live outside the NYC area, yes, our fair city has an “exclusive” ping pong social club called Spin that members pay $100 to attend. Bricklin is an entrepreneur behind Spin and Sarandon has always been an, um, enthusiastic supporter.

We can’t tell if we’re more bowled over by the ping pong angle, or how the 63-year-old actress is allegedly boning a man 30 years younger than her. (It’s the “Madonna effect.”) All we have to say is: Susan Sarandon, you dog, you! [Gawker]

“I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. It’s worse to leave your partner and talk badly about him afterwards ... Neither Brad nor I have ever claimed that living together means to be chained together. We make sure that we never restrict each other ... The sparks fly at home if the nice Brad fails to see that he’s wrong and reacts in a defiant way. Then I can get so angry that I tear his shirt.”

—Angelina Jolie in Germany’s Das Neue magazine (which means the nuances of what she actually said may have gotten a lil’ lost in translation) [Telegraph.co.uk]

• Who are the best and worst celebrity parents of the decade? [Shine]
• Malia and Sasha Obama answered questions at the Children’s National Medical Center, and First Dog Bo tagged along. [Politics Daily]
• Check out the latest “Lost” promo. [The Daily What]

When Kim Kardashian tweets about a company, she gets paid $10,000. Yep, unfortunately, you heard that right. I’ll repeat: Kim Kardashian makes $10K for a single tweet. Get angry. That’s more than I make in, like ... err, nevermind. So, how can you make this much in 10 seconds? I dunno, but I can tell you how she does it.

Nooooo! Famously never-married couple, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, have split up after 23 years together, her publicist has confirmed.

Sarandon and Robbins met on the set of “Bull Durham,” and, despite a 12-year age difference, had a long relationship and two sons together. (Sarandon’s daughter, Eva Amurri, is from a past relationship.) The split actually occurred over the summer, her publicist explained, but I guess no one noticed until now. [People]

Oh my stars. If Susan Sarandon can’t make a relationship work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

“‘Art’ and ‘fashion’ are the euphemisms, the guise under which proud whore Lady Gaga teaches rebellion against God (incidentally, her claim to the title of ‘lady’ is sound only if she tacks on ‘of the night,’ thereby alluding to another euphemism of what she is.) As much as she’d like to pretend otherwise, there’s nothing new or different about this particular hussy’s pretentious prancing. Does the simple slut truly think that she can change God’s standards by seducing a generation of rebels into joining her in fist-raised, stiff-necked, hard-hearted rebellion against Him? Get real! Even as she gives lip-service to ‘liberating’ her young fans, Lady Gaga brings them into slavery to their own corruption, teaching them to glory in their shame. She hates you!”

—Rev. Fred Phelps, of the Wesboro Baptist Church (you know, the “God Hates F*gs” people), calling for a boycott of Lady Gaga. Little late to the party, Fred? Gaga has been “whoring” herself for well over a year now. Somebody needs to listen to the radio more! [via Jezebel]

As the sad, eerie story of Brittany Murphy really only starts unfolding, Renegade Pictures has just released a trailer for her final movie, “Abandoned.” Brittany’s performance in it is pretty intense. She plays a woman under psychiatric evaluation whose husband has vanished. [Ace Showbiz]

Has anyone noticed that in show business, when stars die young, their last movie never seemed to be anything warm and fuzzy? After the jump, let’s look at the almost prescient movies of stars who died young.

• Jennifer Hudson might be pregnant again. [The Hollywood Gossip]
• Newly married Danielle Jonas enjoys texting more than Kevin Jonas‘s company. [Dlisted]
• Natalie Portman is reportedly romancing “Star Trek” star Chris Hemsworth, the older brother of Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend. [Starpulse]

“I’m the wrong person, because every day when I’m not working, I don’t wear makeup. I like messy hair, and I wear jeans and a big T-shirt. If I could, I’d be barefoot in the street.”

—Penelope Cruz on why she’s the last person who should be asked for beauty tips. Hey Penelope, take it from me, you can go barefoot anywhere. Just ask my co-workers! [USA Weekend]

“I’m just over the whole body thing. I honestly don’t care any more. I’ll never be teeny tiny like Cheryl Cole or Dannii Minogue, but I’ve stopped comparing myself. Put my next to the average British woman and I’m fine ... I’ve still got a big bum and thighs, but they’re the parts of my body my boyfriend is always grabbing. I’ve lost that obsession and paranoia, thank God.”

—Lily Allen in Grazia magazine [ONTD]