• Kim Kardashian gets ready to walk down the aisle, too. [Us Weekly]
• The second Thanksgiving Day didn't go as well as the first. [College Humor]
• Pick up chicks ... accidentally of course. [Cracked]

Poor Paula Deen. The celebrity chef was at a Thankgiving event when a participant decided to use a big ol' frozen ham roast as a pig skin and Deen's face got in the way. She seems a-okay though. Nothing eating a stick of butter can't cure!

Even if ‘tweens totally terrify you, you must show them some love for what they consistently do well—they bring the mother-effing ruckus. No matter what year, no matter what conditions, no matter what cute boy is involved, ‘tweens are kind of like cockroaches. Nothing on earth can keep them from causing a hysterical scene over the objects of their young affections. This past Friday, 3,000 ‘tweens rioted at a mall in New Jersey on Long Island. Arrests were made and a few were sent to the hospital after lots o’ screaming girls went apes**t—pushing and shoving just a bit too much, possessed with unbridled passion. Who were they getting all hot and bothered about? Teen singing sensation Justin Bieber. Is it bad that I don’t know who he is? Poor Justin had to turn around and leave after security deemed it unsafe for him to enter the building. Check out this video filmed by a ‘tween on the scene. Wait, is that Justin Bieber in the background, butchering “Love Fool,” originally by The Cardigans? Oh my … ‘tweenagers sure are interesting mini-people. After the jump, some more tweentastic moments.

Heidi Klum has officially changed her name to Heidi Samuel, taking Seal‘s last name, four years and four kids after getting hitched. Obviously, this isn’t going to catch on at all; even Seal thinks he’s too cool for his last name. And does a Klum by any other name smell as sweet? We just dunno. But I guess Heidi can do whatever she wants—she walked in a Victoria’s Secret runway show last week, six weeks after popping out a baby. It takes me longer than that to digest a sandwich. [People]

Sadly, changing your name can often be a career death sentence. Let’s explore the curse of the name change, including the always alluring hyphen.

... but really, she should have lost those shoes instead. [NYC, 11/23/09]

Do you guys realize that it’s been five whole days since we wrote about either Jon or Kate Gosselin? I know you appreciated the vacation. And sorry to break the streak, but there were big happenings in Gosselin land over the weekend. On Saturday, the former couple began mediated arbitration. The day got off to a photo-op-baiting start when Jon showed up with a dozen long-stemmed roses for Kate, supposedly still under the guise of wanting to reconcile, though he’s continued his relationship with Hailey Glassman. Kate refused the roses, of course. Then the two sat down at a table with assorted lawyers and mediators and talked through issues like child custody (Jon is expected to give it to Kate), dividing up their assets, and child support. Arbitration was scheduled to continue today, but things went so smoothly on Saturday that today’s session wasn’t necessary. The arbitrator should have a decision on all these issues within a month, which means the two could ring in the new year as singletons. And maybe we won’t have to pay attention to them anymore? Please. [People]

“It was incredibly annoying when I saw Taylor’s transformation. I realized just having a pre-pubescent girl’s body wasn’t going to work for me any more. In fact I saw him and thought ‘Jesus, I’m going to get fired.’”

—Robert Pattinson, who started working out with a trainer after Twilight Saga co-star Taylor Lautner gained 30 pounds of muscle [Marie Claire UK]

A tipster sent this photo—and a few more—to Gawker. Apparently shot in 2006, the series features Katie Couric gettin’ DOWN on the dance floor at some unidentified party. Too many glasses of sauv blanc, K? [Gawker]

“They say I’m a womanizer. I say I haven’t met enough women.”

—John Mayer to the crowd at a concert in Brooklyn, NY [New York Times]

• Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are going to name their baby Julian if it’s a boy or Isabella if it’s a girl. [People]—I’m hoping it’s a girl based on the names.
• Jon and Kate Gosselin had a successful meeting at the divorce arbitration table recently. Jon is supposedly not fighting her for primary custody of their children and neither one is seeking spousal support. [PopEater]—Well, that’s no surprise. I doubt he’d be able to handle all those kids on his own.
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were spotted having dinner with friends in NYC’s TriBeCa neighborhood. [OK! Magazine]—The end of the constant “New Moon” promotions clearly wasn’t the end of their romance.

Someone over at Lemondrop thinks Kristen Stewart sucks. I mean, really sucks. According to Julie Gerstein, Stewart, of “Twilight” and “New Moon” fame, has all the charisma of a Shaker chair and is as sexy as a block of concrete. What, is Bella lamer than Edward? Read on for the dirt. [Lemondrop]

Yes, it’s that time of the year again. No, not the holidays! It’s finale season. So, what are the TV season finales that your favorite celebrities can’t wait to see? Find out which cliffhangers the stars are dying to watch here! [PopEater]

Damn you, Suri Cruise! Once again, you remind us a toddler has a better closet than we do. [11/22/09, New York City]

Amy Poehler: Can I ask you how you feel about this term “cougar”? I hate that f***ing word.

Rachel Dratch: Me, too! Since the dawn of moving-making, there have been so many scenarios where an older guy is with a younger woman and we don’t bat an eye. But if it’s reversed and a 40-year-old woman is with a 35-year-old guy, she’s called a “cougar.”

Poehler: I know ... there are these derogatory boxes that people have invented that they have to put themselves in. And why isn’t there a word for the inappropriate older guy with the younger girl? What is the exact word for that?

Dratch: I don’t know ... Gray Balls?

Poehler: Old Gray Balls! Oh he’s a real Gray Balls! (laugh) Maybe we should make it Clark Gray-Balls. There is just something about a 20-year-old calling someone a cougar that makes me want to punch them in the mouth.

—“Saturday Night Live” alums Amy Poehler and Rachel Dratch aren’t fond of the word “cougar,” apparently [Bust]

On last night’s American Music Awards, Jennifer Lopez performed her new single, “Louboutins,” and despite writing an entire song about them, her high-priced footwear did not offer their support. J.Lo fell on her ass big time, but only East Coast viewers got to glimpse this hilarity during the telecast. The fall was edited out of the West Coast airing. Thank God for YouTube, amiright?