Hello, there. Full disclosure. This post is a thinly veiled excuse for me to complain about my really bad morning. I could have used an open letter format. Had I, it might have been titled “An Open Letter To The Broken Refrigerator That Ruined My Morning.” I would have ranted about my broken refrigerator and all the rotten food I had to discard. And how the delivery men destroyed my apartment getting the new fridge in/old fridge out. And how my landlord stopped by in the middle of the fridge chaos to tell me that I might have a gas leak and that he is raising the rent (all in the same sentence, mind you). I might have gone on to complain about how I spent a good portion of the morning cleaning melt-y, frozen, chicken juice off my hopelessly outdated linoleum floor.
But then I thought about how Jessica got barfed on while riding the subway yesterday and how comparatively, her morning mishap was worse than mine. And then I thought about all of you out there who’ve also probably had really unfortunate stuff happen to you in the morning and how you might feel better if we could all commiserate about it together. And then I determined that a listicle of awful morning shit was in order. For all of our cathartic pleasures, find below, a compilation of crap that will absolutely obliterate your morning (based on things that have really happened to us). Keep reading »
Depending on your mood and romantic history, you’ll either find the love story of “Breaking Bad” actor Aaron Paul and his fiancee Lauren Parsekian to be hopelessly adorable or nauseatingly saccharine. During Paul’s Emmy acceptance speech Sunday night, he thanked his “beautiful, inspiring fiancée … Thank you so much for looking at me the way that you do, you truly saved me.” We love Aaron Paul, for obvious reasons, and Parsekian, who is ridiculously gorgeous, seems pretty cool, too — she’s the cofounder of the Kind Campaign, which works with abused and bullied young girls. There’s, like, a lot of love between these two, and they’ve documented it in interviews, photos and endless Twitter posts about one another. We’ve captured the most, um, intense Twitter exchanges between these two lovebirds for your enjoyment. You tell us — is it too cute or too much?
A mother in Texas is livid: not that her 15-year-old daughter was paddled at school for cheating on a test — both mom and daughter actually approved the punishment — but that she was spanked by a male vice principal.
Taylor Santos, 15, a sophomore at Springtown High School Texas, allegedly let another student copy her work and was given a two-days of in-school suspension. After one day of missing classes, Santos asked if she could get a paddling instead of missing a second day; she called her mother and got approval for the change.
But her mother, Anna Jorgensen, is now super-pissed. A male vice principal spanked Taylor Santos instead of a female administrator — although there was a female in the room the whole time. “I knew school policy was females swatted females, and males swatted males,” Jorgensen said. “If Taylor wanted that, I said I would be fine.” She’s now upset that her daughter’s bottom has “welts and bruises.” Keep reading »
When I entered the ranks of the unemployed, I was full of optimism. How hard could it really be to get a job? I asked myself. I have a college degree. I’ve been gainfully employed since I graduated.
Answer? Very hard. I was out of work for over a year and reached a level of desperation usually reserved for meth addicts.
Here are a few of the lessons I learned while collecting government checks… Keep reading »
I have a phobia of the phone, don’t have time to write lengthy emails, and my handwriting is so out of practice that signing my rent check each month feels like a chore, so Instant Messenger/GChat is my preferred method of communication (followed by texting, though “in-person interaction” trumps both with certain humanoids). It allows me to keep in touch with friends and do business with colleagues, while multi-tasking on everything else I like to do. When someone tells me they don’t use IM/GChat, I kind of feel like they’re from another planet and I don’t really trust them. (No offense. I mean, I still use the same AOL AIM handle I’ve had for, like, a decade, even though I’ve never had an AOL email address. So the rest of you, join me in the 1990s, please, the water is warm!)
But even those people with whom I IM/GChat on the regular manage to drive me insane sometimes. Here are four bad IM/GChat habits that makes me kind of want to block your ass. Keep reading »
Yesterday morning, I woke up and before getting out of bed, I checked my email on my iPhone and opened up one of the 10 million sale alerts I get from various brands. This one was for Aerie, a sub-brand of American Eagle Outfitters that I love for their affordable bras and undies. The deal was for one of their style of bras, but I was far more interested in the panties the model was wearing, because they were sheer enough in the crotch to reveal a whole lot of vagina. Whoa, visible vagina in my inbox, I thought. Or there should have been. I pinched and zoomed in. What the hell has happened to her vag? Keep reading »
Disclaimer: I am not a sports person, so please pardon my fumbling attempt at sports metaphors but … if you are injured, get off the playing field. I am not actually talking about sports, obviously, although I think it might be football season because all my guy friends have disappeared. But this is a dating column. So … the sport of DATING! It’s brutal! This weekend, one of my best friends got dumped, out-of-the-blue, by a girl she had been dating rather seriously for a couple of months. Of course, I was pissed because she’s my friend and how dare anyone dump her because she’s fabulous. But I was specifically pissed about why she was dumped.
The reason for this unexpected dumping was because “things were headed in a serious direction” and the woman she was dating “couldn’t handle anything serious right now.” BIGGEST EYE ROLL EVER. Keep reading »
Because I’m a jealous and petty person, I can’t stand to read lifestyle/home/craft blogs. Who are these people with endless amounts of free time, money and craft experience who seem to effortlessly turn their homes into the back page of a Martha Stewart magazine? They obviously don’t have cats. And because I’m jealous and petty, and not going to subscribe to Folk Magazine anytime soon (though they keep threatening me with a subscription), I need shortcuts to elevate me from sloth to semi-functioning, well-designed person.
Which is why we’ve collected a bunch of easy, really easy, tips to help make your house one others can be jealous of. Keep reading »
My dog Kerbey is a quasi-Internet celebrity. With his cartoonish tiny legs, large torso, giant bat ears and confused eyes, any picture I put up of him on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram is guaranteed to get mountains of likes, retweets or exclamations of, “OMG you have the best dog EVERRRRR.” If Kerbey just lived his life through the Internet, that “best dog ever” title would be an easy win. Unfortunately, like a high-angled MySpace photo, Kerbey’s online persona is not exactly entirely accurate. For you see, Kerbey can be a major dick. Keep reading »
Important business to attend to! We need to discuss this crazy picture of Jon Hamm’s balls. While out strolling this weekend with Jennifer Westfeldt, there were some very interesting pics snapped of his junk. Some featured his incredibly sizable shlong. Not that we’re complaining. There’s never any issue with a devastatingly handsome man being well-endowed. BUT. THE BALLS. Granted, we’ve seen balls of all shapes and sizes. Amelia had a brief fling with a guy with “grapefruit-sized balls” — “Like Christmas tree ornaments!” she emphasizes — and I once slept with a dude whose balls were the size of Lindor truffles. I swear. But nuts, regardless of size or shape, are smushy. Sorry, but something about these moose knuckles just don’t look right to us. After the jump, some theories about what might have been going on Jon’s pants. Keep reading »