Profile for Wendy Atterberry

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http://www.citywendy.com

Dear Wendy: “Should My Boyfriend And I Move To A Third World Country Together?”

I’m 21 and have been offered the opportunity to work in a rural area of a third world country. I will be doing something not very glamorous — necessary work for the project, but not the most exciting thing ever. I am very ambivalent as to whether I should accept it — I don’t speak the language, have no particular ties to this country, and am unsure if I would enjoy this opportunity. However, it would be a different experience and very unique. I would appreciate your level-headed thinking on this matter. In addition, I have a boyfriend of over two years. We have a great relationship and love each other deeply. He has offered to move to this country with me. He has few things tying him to our current location and has also expressed that he would be willing to follow me to other areas of the continental U.S., etc. My question is: is this a good idea? My heart says yes. It would ease my mind greatly if we didn’t have to worry about the long-distance relationship factor. I’ve mentioned potential obstacles, but he brushes it off as, basically, it doesn’t matter; he wants to be with me. What do you think? If I take this opportunity, I would want him to come, but I’m worried about what might happen. What if he hates it? What if he can’t find a job? I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to see him all that often. Please help! — First World Dilemma

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Dear Wendy: “My Mother Thinks I’m Too Young For A Meaningful Relationship”

I am 23 and halfway through my master’s program. I have been dating my boyfriend, whom I met my senior year in college, for the last year and a half. It has not been easy due to our constantly changing life situations and the fact that we are long distance right now, but we make it work and I see myself with him for the foreseeable future. My mother, however, is very pessimistic about my relationships. Ever since I started dating, she has made me feel like my relationships aren’t “real” because I’m so young. She will say things like, “Well, I don’t think college relationships are meant to work out,” and once when I was going through a rough patch with my guy she encouraged me to go out and meet other guys — not to cheat on him, but to hang out with other guys “as friends” to see if there was any potential. Recently, I mentioned the possibility that he might have to move to California (we live in New York) and she said “Well, it’s only a year, maybe your paths will lead back to one another someday.” She’s done this with every guy I’ve ever dated whether she liked them or not. Is she right? Am I incapable of forging a meaningful, long-lasting relationship at 23? It’s not like I’m marrying the guy. How do I tell her to stop minimizing my relationships? — Can’t Stand Up to Mom

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Dear Wendy: “We Don’t Have Sex Anymore”

My boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year. We used to have sex several times a day, but over the past six months it has decreased significantly. We are in an intense graduate program, so last semester both of us were quite swamped with work and lost our libidos. After the stress of the semester was over, things picked up again over winter break. But now, this semester, neither of us has the excuse of a “ton of work” anymore. I have asked him why we don’t have sex (at this point, it has been about three weeks) and his response is “because you’ve been mean to me recently, and when you’re mean it does not make me attracted to you.” That’s fine. I can work on being a nicer person and better girlfriend. But I feel like it’s a vicious cycle — I’m mean, so he doesn’t want to bang. But then I’m nice and since we are still not banging I freak out and get worried and thus become mean again. So my question: should I shut up and work on being nicer instead of expecting our sex life to turn around on its own? — Mean Girl

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Dear Wendy: “I’m Jealous Of My Boyfriend’s Friendship With His Ex”

My boyfriend is still friends with his ex-girlfriend of a year, who also happens to be friends with all of his friends. They all hang out often and I see that they still talk over text messages and in person. I really feel uncomfortable and that it’s unfair that he’s still friends with her when he has told me it would be easier on our relationship if I didn’t talk to my ex of three years. I’ve only met this girl once and she has introduced herself to me but it doesn’t change how I feel about their friendship. I don’t know if I trust him or believe that he does not have feelings for her anymore. How can I ask him if he still loves her or tell him that it makes me feel uncomfortable without coming off like a complete psycho? — Ex Files

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Dear Wendy: “How Can I Support My Friend But Convince Her Not To Marry Her Boyfriend?”

My best friend “Brenda” and I are both 23. She and her boyfriend Jason have been together for about a year and a half, and have lived together for the last nine or 10 months. He’s been wanting to get married for awhile, but she keeps saying she isn’t ready. The thing is, she has said to me privately that it’s more than just not being ready. Jason has made it very clear that he wouldn’t want his wife to work, but Brenda has such a promising and demanding career and has always said to me that she’d want to work in some capacity even when she’s a mom. Jason wants to be the sole wage earner and have a stay-at-home wife, but he doesn’t even have a career direction yet. I don’t think they are too young to be married, but I do think they have two very different visions for how their lives as married people will go. Now, even while she’s saying these things and expressing these concerns about Jason, they’re planning and saving for their eventual wedding. And not the hypothetical type of planning — the actual making calls and choosing venues type of planning. I know her relationship is none of my business, but she does want to talk about it with me, so my issue is: how do I walk the line between supporting her and confirming that her doubts are significant and she should really consider them before she moves forward in the relationship? I don’t want to flat-out say, “Don’t marry him!” but I also don’t want to brush off her feelings of hesitation. — Walking the Line

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Dear Wendy Updates: “No Kids, Please” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “No Kids, Please,” who said she didn’t want to ever have small children, preferring, instead, to maybe one day adopt or foster older children. She wasn’t sure how her boyfriend felt about that and worried about the future of their relationship as a result. After the jump, an update from her. Keep reading »

Dear Wendy: “I Could Never Date A Man Who’s Hired A Hooker”

As a feminist, I’m on the fence about prostitution being legalized. On one hand, I do not feel that is is right or OK for a woman to just sell her body for a price. On the other, if prostitution is legalized, women can be a lot safer and get off the streets, making it easier for cops to catch pimps and sex slave holders. Though I feel this way, I could not be with a man or woman who has ever bought somebody for sex, especially if that person was a woman. The thought of them thinking that it’s totally OK to go up and buy a human being as if she were an object just does not sit well with me. There is no other way around it, if I found out that someone went to a prostitute, it would be a dealbreaker. I know a guy who is a widower and goes to one and he says he just does not have time for a relationship so he goes to these legal places for sex. I can see his point, but I’d want a man who would treat women with the same respect and care that he would want the women in his life to have for men. Am I stupid for feeling this way? — Feminist Against Prostitution

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Dear Wendy Updates: “Once Bitten” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Once Bitten” who began an affair with an engaged man who had already dumped her once for the woman he would later propose to. “I know that the typical advice is ‘they never leave their wife,’ but I have loved this guy since we met and keep hoping that he’ll ‘choose me.’ When I’m with him, I always tell myself that being in love with him is enough. Then he goes home and my heart breaks,” she wrote. After the jump, find out if her boyfriend indeed chose her or if she finally got the courage to leave him for good. Keep reading »

Dear Wendy: “What’s The REAL Reason He Doesn’t Want To Date Me?”

A week ago I met a really nice guy and we hit it off right away. We both are newly single and expressed to one another that we were just looking for someone to go out and spend time with. We went on our first official date a couple of days ago and it went very well. I was pretty certain that we’d see each other again because at certain moments during the date he would make references to future dates. Well, a few hours after the date he texted me saying that while he had a nice time with me and liked me he wasn’t ready for any kind of commitment and wanted to keep his options open. He also said that he felt like if we continued to see one another we’d likely end up in a serious relationship, and that that’s not what he wants right now. I know the answer here should be obvious to me, but it just really sucks! I have never connected this soon with someone before and we had a great first date and I could tell he was into me, but now suddenly I’m rejected because he likes me too much? He said he didn’t want to hurt me and that I deserve a lot more than he can give me right now. Do you think he was he being genuine and really looking out for me? Or was this just his way of saying he’s not into me without actually saying it? — Bummed After First Date

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Dear Wendy: “I Don’t Want Kids, But My Live-In Boyfriend Does. Are We Doomed?”

I have been in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We moved in together about a year ago and it has been going great! He is financially responsible (although we both deal with school loan debt), fun to be around, and has a great family. We have talked about getting married in the next few years and buying house, and I would love to be his wife for the rest of my life. But … I don’t ever want to have kids. Now, I know I am only 25 (as is he) so we have a ways before I have to start thinking about it, however, he is very family-oriented and has mentioned his desire to someday take a child with him to sports games. I made it clear to him that I have always wanted to adopt or foster older children rather than have my own kids but he has never really stated an opinion on that option. I’m worried that if we get married, he will make the assumption (as many do) that I will want kids eventually, and will start putting the pressure on me when we get closer to 30/35 at which point we’ll get divorced if I still don’t want kids. Is it safe to stay in a relationship with such a big difference of opinion, or the hope that I “might” someday change my mind? Is it too early to have a serious talk with him about it? I love him but am scared this is going to be the end of us. — No Kids, Please

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