Emma Stone seems like she’s kinda cool, right? Like, you could get a beer or three with her, and then she’d ask to bum a cigarette from you and you wouldn’t even mind. She’s bubbly without being annoying, generally has really good hair, usually slays on the red carpet and is a solid comedic actress. This video of her singing Meredith Brooks’ “Bitch” while auditioning for the ill-fated, never-aired “Partridge Family” reboot in 2004 is strangely endearing. That gangly stance! The air humping! The unfortunate mid-2000s distressed-flares-and-pointy-toe-boots combo! This is the video equivalent of flipping through your old yearbooks — charming at first, then deeply, painfully embarrassing. [People]
Today in extremely old video gems from the depths of YouTube, I bring you the sad story of Toby the Tortoise who spends a solid minute or so puttin’ in work with a discarded Croc on someone’s lawn. The tiny squeaks! His insistent, determined thrusts! The Croc’s complacency! This is what it’s like when you end up on the receiving end of some assbag you met on Tinder, and really, really just want to go to sleep, but might as well go with it, because hey, he’s cute, and it’s been a minute. I feel for that utility clog. Enjoy!
Our Lady Of The Whistle Register, Mariah Carey, is packing up her furs, her gloves, Nick Cannon’s undershirts and #dembabies and setting up shop at The Colosseum in Las Vegas, according to ABC News. She announced the news on today on “The Ellen Show.” Here’s what we know so far: It will be called “Mariah Carey #1s” and will be a medley of all of her biggest hits, including “Hero”, “Dreamlover” and all the other songs you belt at home when no one’s watching. Tickets go on sale today, and her residency starts on May 6. To celebrate, please enjoy the clip of Mariah casually running through the notes only a dolphin can hear, above. [ABC News]
Conscious uncoupler and noted lifestyle purveyor Gwyneth Paltrow graced the stages of “The Tonight Show” to perform a charming and insipid medley of popular rap songs, Broadway-style. It is, in short, a nightmare. Let us count the ways: That jumpsuit, which pulls strangely at the crotch; her smug-as-shit expression right before she launches into “Anaconda“; Jimmy Fallon’s egregious winky-winky shtick that has been tired since 2011. This is really just as annoying as it sounds, friends! What she does to Big Sean’s “IDFWU” should be illegal. Check it out, above. [The Fader]
I hope your Wednesday night is free and clear of all commitments, because what you need to be doing is smoking a giant blunt and watching the season 2 premiere of “Broad City” on Comedy Central. It is the best show on Wednesdays, hilarious, ribald and lewd in all the right ways, and the chemistry of Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson is indisputable. Read this deep dive into what you can expect from the second season over at Grantland to prep, and watch the trailer for the second season above. If these two things aren’t enough, stop what you’re doing and watch the entire first season right here. It’s okay. Your boss isn’t looking. You’re probably not doing any work, anyway. [Grantland]
Meet Beshine. She is a pleasant-seemingly German cam girl and internet star with a surgically-augmented 32Z chest, a sunny disposition, and a robust following on Reddit. According to the Daily Dot’s explainer on Beshine and her fan army, her boobs are a bouncing 20 lbs each. That’s the equivalent of 10 six-packs of beer, an average one-year old-child, or a sizeable Thanksgiving turkey. Cool! What fun it must be to spend all day walking around on tiny human legs with two yoga balls strapped to your chest. But how the fuck would you get anything done? I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of commonplace activities that are pretty damn hard for Beshine to accomplish. Let’s explore…
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