Profile for Mallory Schlossberg

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Revisiting 5 Pieces Of Single Lady Literature Now That I’m In A Relationship

Okay, so I’m in a relationship - and I met him online. I swear, 38th time’s the charm, right? Yes, I did keep track. Once you’re in double digits and you keep failing, it seems important to keep count. But Number 38, who eventually became my boyfriend, is great. He’s smart, funny, charming, and when he asked what I’d say about him in this piece, I told him the only thing I’d tell the Internet is that he has a beard.

I may be in a relationship now, but I still have all the single lady advice books I used to consult. I mean,I’m not going to lie; I was definitely a sucker for these books and I sought them out regularly to help me navigate the uncharted waters of the dating pool. In retrospect, it’s amazing how obsessed I was with trying to figure out how to get the man I wanted as if relationships were pieces of Ikea furniture — something that you put together piece by piece. Fortunately, they’re not. I realize that now. Keep reading »

Girl Talk: I Will Not Pretend To Like Sports For Guys Anymore

Dealbreaker: Hometown
He talked smack about her hometown and she was gone. Read More »
Sports For Us
We think we'd excel at these sports if they were real. Read More »
Dating Show
This woman has trouble just being herself in a relationship. Read More »
I Will Not Pretend To Like Sport For Guys Anymore

I’ve recently come to terms with something: I don’t like sports. This should have been obvious to me a long time ago — like, we’re talking in kindergarten when I quit my soccer team because I was never the goalie (or as I saw it, the person who just got to stand there and do nothing). The cool girls in elementary school were the girls who had friends that were boys. How did they get those super-masculine friends? By playing sports – or at least, by watching them from the sidelines. Me? I was too busy staging my own production of “Little Shop of Horrors” to notice, until everyone quit my show to play sports, that is. Because apparently, sports are fun! But they weren’t for me. I could name so many things that were more fun than having a ball thrown at your face. Like eating, for instance.

At a very young age, I learned that if I wanted to meet boys, or more specifically, if I wanted boys to like me, I had to like sports.Volleyball girls were totally rad, with their bumping and serving or whatever other sporty moves they did, cheerleaders knew all about football and got to wear those stylish skirts, and die-hard baseball fans always had home runs when it came to starting conversations with guys. I could run, but didn’t join the track team because it interfered with drama club. Keep reading »

The Soapbox: I’m Short, But That Doesn’t Mean You Can Treat Me Like A Child

She Hearts Short Guys
Tall? Then you're not for her! Read More »
Dealbreaker: Height
He lied about his height. Like really LIED. Read More »

I have a specific problem when it comes to dating. I mean, I have many problems (I’m attracted to unavailable guys, ranging from gay men to to fictional characters), but there’s one that has significantly affected me.

I’m short. I’m 4’11”. I’ve been this size since I was about 12 years old. So, NO, to answer the question you were probably wondering and men on dates have actually asked me, I am not a little person. If you take a look at me – either by Googling me or assessing my corporeal being — you can tell that I am of average proportions.

Now, while there are obvious perks to being petite (Saving money by shopping in the children’s sections! Wearing high heels guiltlessly! Getting picked up spontaneously! Wearing a hoodie to a Mexican restaurant and getting a kid’s burrito!), there are some times where I do get the short end of the stick, pun heavily intended. I don’t just mean that I have to weed out all of the shady men who have a petite girl fetish, but something about being a short lady brings out the alpha — or, unfortunately, misogynistic — in some men in a variety of ways. Keep reading »

Girl Talk: My Hot And Cold Relationship With OKCupid

Online Faux Pas
Guys, stop doing these things online. Read More »
I Found A BF Online
love photo
How Jessica found a boyfriend online dating. Yes, it really happens! Read More »
Online Dating Lies
Here's some of the whoppers people use in their profile. Read More »

It’s that time of the year when people are having drinks outside, couples are PDA-ing, and I’m re-activating my OKCupid profile. I have a notorious reputation for constantly deleting and reactivating that damned profile. I believe in Internet love! No, I’m a misanthrope! I want to find my soul mate! Soul mates don’t exist!

You see, I’m a total serial dater. No, not a serial monogamist — I’ve only had one real boyfriend and he gave me a box of condoms for my birthday — but a serial dater. If you mindlessly click through a sea of ineligible bachelors long enough, it’s pretty easy to secure a week’s worth of dates. I pencil dudes in like they are doctor appointments. (Tom at 11 a.m. on Tuesday? Sure. Luke at 7 p.m. on Wednesday? That works. ) Some people suggest that I have the dating habits of an addict -- I need it! No, I totally can live without it! No, wait, I can’t! I’d like to say that I’m just filled with that thing called eternal hope. Keep reading »

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