Profile for Kiki T

For The Week Of September 14-20, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A new leaf will turn for you once you decide to change a dirty habit. It will uncover a state of bliss that you haven’t felt for ages, making you feel invincible and ready to take charge. This isn’t the time to take “no” from anyone — least of all, yourself. Remember this and you will have the dandiest week ever.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Ask a close friend if you have been making too many excuses for that special someone or if that someone is making too many concessions for you. If you find that there is an imbalance in the union from an objective point of view, then take that as fact and sort out the rest of the data on the table to see exactly how it adds up. Your conclusions should be riveting.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Forget that naughty side to you and saddle up with a PG version of yourself, as you should be placing an emphasis on the friendship developing in your current love tryst. The less pressure you put on the more intense areas of the “getting to know you” phase, the more you get that relationships are supposed to be fun — your crucial lesson for this week.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Just when you thought you were old enough to rise above the peer pressure, in comes a deluge of voices that confuse you and make you want to scream. Go ahead: do it! As that might be the only way for you to stop from falling into the pit of popular opinion, and the only way to get you to listen to yourself and see that you have to set your own standards.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Free your imagination. There’s nothing holding you back, other than you and the reasoning you subscribe to. Time to switch up your attitude and realize the impossible is possible — but without your belief in it, you will only be stuck in a bitter rut that’ll keep you as your own worst enemy. If that sounds acceptable to you, proceed as you have been. Otherwise, it’s time to change.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The sexual tension gets explosive this week. All your awkwardness comes to a head, as the chemicals in your brain won’t be reacting in a way you’re used to and this can lead to a few embarrassing moments. Thankfully, if you’re barking up the right tree, whoever is watching your antics will find these moments of utter gracelessness endearing, rather than humiliating.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Sign your booty over on the dotted line. This is the time when love should start coming together in a sweet little package, giving you a sense of direction and comfort. If you’re single, time to set your intentions out there by rationally scouring your mind for what is your realistic ideal. It’s time to sharpen your aim. A good eye will get you everywhere.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

With your libido lagging these days, the one way to pump it back is to pump it up. Revive yourself by jumpstarting a new fitness routine, getting all your annual doctor appointments out of the way and dealing with all those physical aspects of yourself that will lead you back on the road to being a peak performer.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Sitting on the fence is not going to win you any favors. If you want it, you got to be in it to win it. Enough with thinking things have to play out in a certain fashion for it to be right! You’re the writer of your own story. If you want it to be a legendary masterpiece, it’ll mean laying yourself on the line and thickening the plot.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

For a gal like you, it’s not just the things you commonly love with a dude that’ll cozy you up to him, but also the things you hate. This week they’ll be nothing more invigorating than showing off your bad attitude to that special curmudgeonly someone. Seems being able to bitch together will be one of the most romantic things you can do to nab the heart of your intended.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You can’t trip over your words this week. If you want something, you are going to have to be clear — as in starting the facts, sticking to direct eye contact and being cognizant of relaying your emotions obviously. This isn’t the time to see if anyone is a mind reader. Reach out and make yourself known; the universe is listening.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Money, luxury and comfort will open up to you at a new level, letting you relax for a few. Take in the rewards of work well done. The issue now is not to get complacent. While you are cruising along swimmingly, don’t forget to keep your eye over the horizon, as that will be the only way you will be able to maintain.

For The Week Of September 7-13, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

All the answers you want about your current love relationship are in how you both deal with your joint finances. Consider money the metaphor for your bond. If this means taking off the rose-colored glasses to see that things will only go so far, in terms of sharing or potential, then you will have to be braver than ever to face the music. Accept that your ideal lifestyle is non-negotiable.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Don’t get too detailed about feelings or plans with your honey or whomever you’re shacking up with these days, because your mind will be wandering erratically from emotion to emotion. There won’t be any accounting for what you truly want right now, as you won’t be able to see cause and effect clearly. Until you can, don’t commit to anything.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The past is coming back to haunt you. What you thought was something you let die will spring back alive and prove to be way more intriguing than you ever thought. Instead of trying to poo poo all the outcomes, let loose the control and just go with it. You have nothing to lose! If it all goes in the crapper anyway, you can then say, “I knew it.”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Forget your friends. They’ll be aggravating the hell out of you. Sure, they want to be helpful and give you advice, but unless you’re asking for it, they really have no right and that gives you complete clearance to tell them to “Shut the f**k up!” If there are going to be voices in your head, they better be your own. Because when it comes down to it, you will have the right answers.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

All the drama you indulge in, and which brings out your self-sabotaging behaviors, gets a reprieve. Expect an epiphany that’ll start to clear the cobwebs that keep you from seeing your own capabilities. However, realize this won’t put you on easy street right away, as this only marks the beginning of a new journey — but at least this is a voyage in which you know your destination.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You know who the flakes are in your life. Though, you are the only one to blame if you allow them to let you down once again. Enough is enough. Your idealism is only going to get you so far; you are procrastinating on the obvious. Time to accept that maybe you are your own worst enemy and realize that the truth can hurt, but it will hurt less if you stop trying to deny it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you’re a swinging single, be careful whom you hook up with this week. Chances of lasting repercussions that will have you wanting to borax your vagina out the next day are high — as in when the sun comes up, it’ll reveal disturbing annoyances that’ll repulse. Of course, you’re never one to resist dancing with the devil, so at least make sure the protection is steady and strong.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Old issues die hard and that’s why you and your baby will be having a deja vu in terms of tension and arguments. Seems an inherent crack in your relationship’s foundation is not as patched-up as you thought. However, instead of thinking you can change the other person, get real with yourself and make choices on what you can and can’t live with.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Love foibles will be making your life more like a comedy every day, but as long as you keep a sense of humor and level head about you, the mishaps will make your romance even that much more memorable — as it’ll be those little flaws that will endear you the most and show you the real character behind your latest catch.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your legendary fickleness will be making its grand appearance, as you won’t be feeling the love as much. The only exception is if you have hooked up with someone from your past. Otherwise, whoever has been in the picture will no longer seem to cut it, as your mind will start wandering down memory lane and have you realizing standards you once had aren’t so easy to forget.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your serious attitude towards relationships will start to ease up and finally you will realize that having fun isn’t such an awful fate. Give a little and you will get a lot. However, give a lot and you will get it all. Just don’t be stuck to your stubborn ways for too long and sit on the fence trying to decide; act and you will receive.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will hear everything you want to hear, but the problem is that you will have this nagging feeling that you won’t be able to rely on it. What to believe? Honey, always trust yourself. Sycophants will be all around and, if you allow them to, they will ruin your day with their kiss-ass lies. Action is the only currency you can bank on this week, not words.

In Bed With … Jesus Luz

VITAL STATS
Born:
January 15, 1988, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Sun Sign: Capricorn
Ascendant: Unknown
Moon: Scorpio
Mercury: Aquarius
Venus: Aquarius
Mars: Scorpio

Keep reading »

Ask The Astrosexologist: How Do I Fix A Relationship With A Scorpio?

I’m a Pisces (2/21/91) and my boyfriend of seven months is a Scorpio (11/14/86). I need help trying to fix this relationship. Ever since May our relationship started to change — he calls and visits less, we argue often, and he spends more time with his friends than he does with me. Now we’re on break. I really care about him and we’ve had some great times. How do I fix it? I’ve spoken to him about this, but to no avail. – Panicked Pisces Keep reading »

How To Spot A Bastard In 30 Seconds

conan obrien pointy jpg
CHIN
Conviction is hot and if you want a man with balls look for a well-defined jaw. His chin will reveal his heroic side.
ROUND
Not a risk-taker, but has a heart of gold.
SQUARE

Being methodical is the only way he sees results.
WIDE
Does everything with flair.
SHORT
Business-minded and traditional.
LONG
Egomaniac.
DIMPLED
The winning underdog.
RECEDING
He turns into a ball and chain.
POINTED
Original, determined and bold.

For The Week Of August 31-September 6, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your patience is running thin. To remain intact, realize it’s time to make a compromise or a total cut in your emotional dealings. No, it won’t be as painless as you’d wish, but trust it won’t be as harsh as you imagine. Don’t be scared of making the change, because if you don’t make that move now, the universe will do it for you and it won’t be as compassionate.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Emotionally, you’ll be too drained to deal with the nitty-gritty of life. Then, to also have to deal with picking up the slack for someone else who you already know isn’t as capable as you, that’s just another drama. However, options always abound and unless you look to see the obvious, then you can consider this week a peek into your Christmas future.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your cynicism will get a shock to its system as all that bulls**t you’ve been through, which has caused a callus to form over your heart, will start to get diffused by a miraculous romantic concoction. You’ll be wondering if you’ve stepped into an alternate reality. Sure, it might last a day, or it might last forever. The point is to keep an open mind.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your optimism for love is like a bulletproof vest that protects you from shots of reality that would have others, who have no vision, running for the hills. This week, though, even you will take the grave wrong turn. But it will give you the clarity to see that someone isn’t truly all that.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Be careful of saying things you feel at the moment you feel them. Seems this week your emotions will be too unpredictable and changeable to make any promises, which can cause a major upset if you reveal too much. As it goes, you won’t be in a place to make any solid commitments — even though it might feel like it one minute, your mind will change in another.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

There will be subtle jabs at your confidence from an undermining source — someone who you thought had your back. While this duplicity will anger and upset you, don’t react suddenly. Be gracious about separating yourself from this bad energy, as it won’t be worth confronting. Rather, use this knowledge as power to beat them at their own game. Show them who’s the master.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve seen all sides to the case in dispute. Now it’s time to call all your inner voices in for a huddle to get to the verdict. Dealing once and for all with your state of distress will set you into fight or flight mode. However, do realize that you must be prudent, as all sales are final with no exceptions made.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If you find yourself living in your own version of Groundhog’s Day — where everything just repeats itself over and over again, and no matter how many different ways you approach the situation, you always wind up at the same place — don’t fret! A change is coming. It will pull all you’ve learned into perfect order, finally making sense of your madness, at least just a little.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Drama hits your friendship and this time it won’t be as easy to gloss over as in the past. It might be time that you have to let someone go or, at the least, take a time out. Whichever the case, emotions will be running high. The more you allow yourself to vent and f**k the pain away, the more you will ensure yourself of landing on your feet.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Being able to think for the greater good is vital for you right now, as it’ll win you the trust you seek. Otherwise, just going for instant gratification won’t win you any fans, or any true satisfaction. As it goes, right now is about laying down tracks that will make a solid foundation for your future. If you can’t see that straight, then realize you’re probably barking up the wrong tree.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Throw a party for yourself this week because there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. An epiphany is due to you! It will give you a sense of clarity you haven’t had in ages. However, you must be prepared for whatever lesson you will learn, as there is no stopping the caboose now, as now it’s all about fast-tracking.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

If you have someone to boogie down with, do so. This is a hot week to get your groove on and really work out the tension in the deepest parts of your psyche and body. Let loose and get as freaky as you’d like to, because the more you let your imagination run you wild, the more control you will feel you have over your fate. It’s sometimes about ending so you can begin again.

Ask The Astrosexologist: If We Break Up Can We Still Be Friends?

I emailed a few months ago about a lesbian couple — an Aquarius and a Libra. Your advice was to break up with her and I did, after a few months. Then we got back together and broke up again, all because I don’t know if I’m gay or straight. I know this isn’t what you usually do, but my friends suck at giving advice, and I have no one else to talk to.

I love her, I do, but I think it is more of the “I’m comfortable with you, and I care about you a lot,” kind of love — the friend kind. I want her in my life, but I know that if we break up again, she’ll be crushed. She might use the suicide thing against me again and I know I can’t take that. She is completely head over heels for me, and I’m never sure what I feel for her. I don’t get the sparks when we kiss anymore, but I get them when I see a girl and a guy kiss in a movie or what have you. I’m actually 90 percent sure I’m straight, but then there are days that I think I could stay with her forever. I’m about to start college in the fall, and I would really like to know what I’m doing when I get there. – Confused One Keep reading »

For The Week Of August 24-30, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Confusion will make you dizzy, as everyone and their grandmother will spew opinions about your love life. Friends, your subconscious, your neighbors, and even the IT guy at your office will say things that’ll sound significant. However, you don’t have to make a decision right away; so don’t freak yourself out more than necessary. If he can’t wait, he’s not worth it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

So yeah, you’re social. You like going out, meeting people and, yes, you like to talk. The problem with that this week is your exaggerated words might come back to haunt you. Be prudent with what info you share with not-so-close acquaintances. Sure, shock-value confessions will give you the spotlight, but don’t risk that price to pay. It won’t be worth it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your patience finally comes to a head, as you get answers you’ve waited ages on. You’ll discover whether your insane optimism is truly a blessing or a curse. Yes, what actually occurs over this week will depend on the tracks you’ve laid in the past. So, if it goes swimmingly, know there is a method to your madness. Otherwise, back to the drawing board and, perhaps, a shrink.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Love won’t be coming to you on a silver platter right now, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t treats to be had. This week it’s all about working it in a new style and with a new agenda. Ask around, call up different friends, and venture off into uncharted territories. The more cunning and adventurous you are, the more surprising the finale will be.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Take the plunge in a big way, like book a foreign adventure with your current boo! Testing your commitment is a big bonus now, as it seems you both have been chomping at the bit to see some indication that there is hope for a future together. There’s nothing like being thrown into the exotic unknown to see how your team work will survive.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

An intense feeling of love and admiration will instantly wash over you for the one you’re with or the one you want to be with — but don’t let that haze blind you into believing that person can walk on water. Seriously, a happy relationship isn’t always about some crazy unconditional state of mind. It’s about respect. Until you master that, stop making more promises than necessary.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

To get an accurate trajectory of your relationship, look to the details — and not with compassion. Sure, he might get the big things right, as in remembering your birthday and being kind to your friends, but if he’s not good with the little things, this is your time to pinch him a little harder to get maximum perfection. A little gentle nudging will bring results.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

As the sign of war, you love a good fight, but this week it can go all-out ugly. So be careful about the battles you choose and how you go about trying to prove your points. A little honey will go a lot farther than vinegar. If you want to actually get some tension-releasing sex out of this deal, it’ll mean throwing in a bit of diplomacy with your snarkiness.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Be ready to jump over obstacles and get creative when it comes to getting the attention of that hot someone you’ve been sweating. This isn’t the time for synchronicity to work in a linear manner and the stakes will be high, so think fast and move faster. The good news is that if you do solve this riddle, your rewards will be plenty.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

No matter how sweet the intentions you share with your baby, it doesn’t always mean you’ll see eye-to-eye on everything. Tastes and experiences will differ from moment to moment and it’ll be up to you to determine if you can negotiate around the situation. Of course, not all journeys will bring back gold. That’s just the way the ball bounces.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Hurry up and say what’s on your mind. You have no more time to lose – get off the fence! If you want to step up to the plate and take responsibilities for your emotions, it’ll mean being courageous enough to claim your prize. Not to say you have to have your whole plan worked out, but at least get the materials to build your dream life.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Batting your eyes and dropping subtle hints is all you have to do to take that next step. If you try to do anything more, you will only regret you’ve made such grand efforts. In this phase of gaining dominance, you only have to be smart and efficient with how you express yourself. A little will go long enough.

In Bed With … Ryan Kwanten

VITAL STATS
Born:
November, 28, 1976, Sydney, Australia
Sun Sign: Sagittarius
Ascendant: Unknown
Moon: Pisces
Mercury: Sagittarius
Venus: Capricorn
Mars: Sagittarius

Keep reading »

Ask The Astrosexologist: Is My Libra Man Not Ready For A Relationship?

“I am a Leo (8/21/93) and my ex is a Libra (9/29/88). The beginning was wonderful, but after a while it went downhill (for six months!). He works all the time and he’s very busy. He procrastinates and makes empty promises. I’m really in love with him and he claims to love me and says he will improve — but he doesn’t. Is there any hope? Are we compatible? Should I try to make it work? How do I get this astrological sign to want me back? How do I get his attention? Is this the way Libra men act when they’re not ready for a relationship?” – Leo Lady Keep reading »

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