Profile for Judy McGuire

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Girl Talk: Happy Mother’s Day? I Don’t Think So.

“Thanks, but my mother’s dead,” I heard myself snap.

From the horrified look on the saleswoman’s face, it was clear I should’ve come up with a more tactful response when she steered me towards the Mother’s Day cards. After all, it wasn’t her fault my mom died; this lady was just doing her job. Keep reading »

The 6 Biggest Mythconceptions About Being in Love

One of the more cringe-inducing memories I have of my teen years is playing the Buzzcocks’ “I Believe” over and over, as I sobbed alone in my twin-sized bed. In particular, the line “There. Is. No. Love. In. This. World. Any-moooooooore!” always sent me into paroxysms of tears. I was positive—one-hundred-percent convinced—that life would be perfect if only I had a boyfriend.

Boy, was I wrong! Keep reading »

Dating Don’ts: How NOT To Pick Up A Guy At A Bar

As a wise man once told me, there’s not much a woman can do to make herself completely unappealing to every guy at a bar. After all, a bar contains all the essential elements to romance—booze, dim lighting, and the sweet, sweet smell of desperation.

However, as difficult as it is to come off as completely repellent—especially as last call approaches — there are some behaviors to steer away from. So whatever you do … Keep reading »

8 Reasons NOT To Get It On

As I’m sure you’re well aware, there are many good reasons to have sex. In fact, sometimes you don’t need any reason at all—other than, say, loving your partner.

However, sometimes a lady finds herself doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. That’s what we’re here to cover. So if you find yourself in any of the following situations, please extricate yourself as quickly as possible:

Revenge: The most popular very-wrong reason to have sex, revenge sex never ends well. Hooking up with his best friend because you’re angry at your boyfriend will get you nowhere.

I’m not knocking or talking about the sex professionals out there—this is for the amateurs among us. Just because he bought you a lobster doesn’t mean you need to give up dessert. Catch my drift?

Ego Gratification: You must be fine if that scorching hot bartender took you home. Or not. Men have been known to do some unsavory things for physical gratification—surely you’ve heard the recent story of the guy who tried to fornicate with a park bench? The fact that he’s willing and able doesn’t say squat about your appeal.

Appliance Envy: Your roommate “doesn’t believe” in air conditioning. You can’t afford premium cable and are addicted to “Weeds.” You’re desperate to try out Wii Fit. All of these desires are perfectly rational. However, they are absolutely not worth the price of waking up next to someone you otherwise cannot stand. (Well, except for the AC, but that’s only if it’s above 100 F.)

Weight Loss: Yes, you may have read those women’s magazine articles about how being physically intimate can help you shed pounds. However, a 120-pound woman burns only 57 calories during 15 minutes of sex. That’s less than half a Hostess Ho-Ho. The sweat could do nice things for your skin, but your waist will remain the same size.

Clarity: Ever since you were nine years old and saw that topless Kate Moss Calvin Klein ad, you’ve had a hunch you were same-sex oriented. Unfortunately, the thought of sharing this with anyone scares you, so you get yourself a boyfriend. But you can’t stop thinking about that ad….

Mercy: Empathy for a sad soul is one thing; holding an intimate pity party is quite another. Oh, and you know that saying, “no good deed goes unpunished?” It goes triple in this instance. Misery loves company—good luck getting him out of your apartment.

Quid Pro Quo:

I’m not knocking or talking about the sex professionals out there—this is for the amateurs among us. Just because he bought you a lobster doesn’t mean you need to give up dessert. Catch my drift?

Fame By Association: He’s famous, you want to be. Contrary to what you might’ve surmised from that old Pamela Des Barres book, “I’m With The Band: Confessions Of A Groupie,” fame is not transmissible through intimate contact. However, lots of other things are, so watch out.

Cash & Coupling: How Not To Talk About Money With Your Honey

It seems that all anyone is talking about lately is the economy, so why is money still such a tough topic to discuss with your nearest and dearest? They say married couples fight over money more than anything else, but what about when you just started dating? That’s possibly even more awkward. Keep reading »

Dating Don’ts: Valuable Lessons Gleaned from Reality TV

reality tv photo

Let’s face it, the best thing about reality TV is its ability to make ourselves feel better about our own lives. Bumming ‘bout your bubble butt—hey, at least you’re not as large as the peeps on “The Biggest Loser.” Angry your boyfriend cheated? Jerry Springer will make you grateful he was banging some coworker, and not knocking up your mom.

Oddly enough, most of these shows seem to be trying to deliver a message or lesson. The problem is that there’s a huge discrepancy between What They Want You to Learn (WTWYTL) and the Actual Lessons Learned (ALL). Luckily, I’m here to translate.
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