John DeVore

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Mind Of Man: Size Doesn’t Matter

If there’s one thing I’ve learned writing these columns, it’s that you ladies have penis on the brain. Which is why I’m going to admit that my penis is so huge, so gargantuan, that when I get excited, I barely have enough skin with which to whistle. Seriously. It’s like three grapefruits in a gym…

John DeVore / April 22, 2009

Mind Of Man: Here’s Why We Don’t Call You Back

Fine, I’ll level with you. After all, we’ve been through so much together. You’re like foreign exchange students to me. Not unlike sisters. But I wouldn’t feel gross if I “accidentally” walked in on you while you showered. TMI?

Chances are the reason he hasn’t called you back is because he doesn’t want…

John DeVore / April 15, 2009

Mind Of Man: “Guilty Pleasures” Are For Uptight Chumps

Men don’t have “guilty pleasures.” We own, nay, celebrate what’s bad for us. Our obsessions are points of pride, not shame. You’ll never see a guy wolf down a small mountain of waffles with a side of pig and squeal, “OMG, I can’t beliiiiieeeeve I ate everything! Tee! Hee!”

We will shamelessly sit i…

John DeVore / April 8, 2009

Mind Of Man: We Watch Porn, So What?

It has recently come to my attention that there are ladies out there who think that their man drooling over pornography is tantamount to adultery. If you truly believe this, you should either dump him ASAP, with extreme prejudice, or accept that you’re going to have to live with his mistress. Dudes watch porn.

John DeVore / April 2, 2009

Presidential Pornography

Painter Justine Lai’s series of erotic oil paintings depicting the artist banging it out with U.S. Presidents massage two nerdy pleasure centers: history and sex. Are you reading this, History Channel? Less Nazis, more Presidential pegging please! The artist’s intent is to break down the mythological idea of the President, expose their inherent humanity and…

John DeVore / March 27, 2009

Mind Of Man: Now Playing — Crappy Love Songs

I just can’t emotionally or physically connect with a woman unless there is some kind of terrible music playing.

When it comes to love and romance, timing is everything. There is so little choice when it comes to the fickle demands of your heart. And it’s the same with the music that serve…

John DeVore / March 25, 2009

Mind Of Man: How To Date A Loser

An objective, partially superficial analysis of women’s magazines like Glamopolitan has led me to form the following conclusions:

If you don’t learn the 456 sex tips, he will cheat on you.
You’re not fat, girl! But here’s a diet to try!
You date nothing but losers — and therefore have an insatiable appetite…

John DeVore / March 19, 2009

Mind Of Man: Why Guys Want “Starts With An A, Ends With -Nal” Sex

Finally. I thought I’d answer one of the big questions I’ve been asked over and over again, the question you ladies are dying to know the answer to. Are you ready?

We want anal sex because if we ask you if we can, and you say yes, even begrudgingly, then that is awesome.

John DeVore / March 12, 2009

Mind Of Man: He’s Laid Off, You’re Not, So What Now?

The Hobopocalyse continues unabated: the stock market is at its lowest in twelve years, unemployment is at its highest in decades, and nobody knows how bad it’s going to get. But the good news is, I didn’t have to pitchfork-fight mole people for canned food today. Your 401K might be tanking, but canned food will…

John DeVore / March 5, 2009

Mind Of Man: Stop Playing The Name Game

Here’s a question: Why was Chris Noth’s character in “Sex In the City” nicknamed “Mr. Big” when it’s clear it should have been “Mr. Old Man Fatty”?

Also, I want to know which came first: Carrie and the girls giving the men they were dating petty, offensive little nicknames or actual real world wome…

John DeVore / February 25, 2009

Mind Of Man: When It Comes To Love, Chill Out

As I see it, there should be no discussion of a relationship, or exclusivity, within the first three months of dating. Those three months should be a drama and ultimatum-free zone. No jealousy or commitment. Just a period of savoring; the gritty, totally worth it hard work can come later. Save it, potentially, for the…

John DeVore / February 19, 2009

Mind Of Man: Be Better In Bed

I have never met a woman who thought she was bad in bed. I have known plenty of women who can rattle off an impromptu, critical dissertation on the carnal failings of most men. “He didn’t get me off.” “He treated my nipples like Xbox control sticks.” “He came before his pants were off.”…

John DeVore / February 12, 2009

Mind Of Man: 25 Things About Me, John DeVore

1. I think I’m awesome, but seriously, why do you think I’m awesome?

2. I can speak dolphin. Which is how I help them.

3. I don’t have a driver’s license and I don’t know how to drive a car. But I know how to drive the ladies wild and I have a…

John DeVore / February 8, 2009

Mind Of Man: I Am Not A “Sensitive Guy”

A sensitive guy’s emotional availability is decorative, a means by which to exploit a woman’s weakness for men who are not total beer-powered, boxer shorts wearing Guitar Heroes with mommy issues and 18 gigabytes of porn hidden in a computer file named “Unicorns.” This sort of dude displays his sensitivity with emo mixtapes, passionate rant…

John DeVore / January 28, 2009

Mind Of Man: I Might Be A Sexist

I think I might be a sexist. But since most of you are vagina-enabled, I’ll let you tell me. Many of you possess testicles, as well, and I’ll invite you to chime in, too. To those who have both: All are welcome here.

I’m not proud of the fact that I might be sexist,…

John DeVore / January 22, 2009

Mind Of Man: Revenge Of The Number

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine came to me for advice, and I think the advice I gave him was pretty good advice, if I do say so myself. Because when it comes to love and relationships, those who can, do. Those who can’t give love and relationship advice.

My friend…

John DeVore / January 14, 2009

Mind Of Man: Go Ahead, Have Sex On The First Date

Go ahead and have sex on the first date if you want. If it feels good, do it. Ruin yourself. Get your rocks off. Surrender to chemistry, drink, irresponsibility. Indulge in the passion, throw caution to the wind, make a big sloppy mess of your love life. Your prince might not call you back if…

John DeVore / January 8, 2009

Mind Of Man: Mouth Love Is Meh

Blow jobs are overrated. There. I said it. I know men who would fight a grizzly bear with a spork for a little mouth love. I also know women who guard their oral sexing technique the way a pharmaceutical company protects its most precious patents. But I’m just not a dude who loves blow jobs.

John DeVore / December 31, 2008

Mind Of Man: Pity The Pick-Up Artist

Some of you might have heard of or read Neil Strauss’ The Game, a fawning book about a silver tongued Casanova who goes by the mysterious code-name Mystery. Probably many more of you have seen ridiculously dressed beanpole Mystery tutor his homoerotic boy-cult on Vh1’s reality show “The Pick-Up Artist.” Is it just me or…

John DeVore / December 18, 2008

Mind Of Man: Why We Love Strippers

Before I reveal the secret reason men love strip clubs, I’d like to directly address all the “cool” and “open-minded” women out there who insist on accompanying their boyfriends and husbands to jiggle joints: stay home. I appreciate your enlightened attitude towards dude culture, and your bad girl enthusiasm, like when you whoop it u…

John DeVore / December 3, 2008

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