John DeVore

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Mind Of Man: The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift For Your Dude

The truth is: men don’t expect much on Valentine’s Day. We know that this is a holiday for women. Most of us accept this as a manly duty, like chopping wood or boxing grizzly bears. There is a quiet sort of pride in making your woman happy. Sure, many of us drag our feet, roll…

John DeVore / February 10, 2010

Mind Of Man: How To Watch Football

This Sunday is the Academy Awards of Football and, believe it or not, there are a lot of people who couldn’t care less about this High Holy Day. But if you’re dating a pigskin junkie, you have very little choice: You’re going to be dragged to a get-together where jerseys and body paint are the…

John DeVore / February 3, 2010

Mind Of Man: I Want All Of My Penis Back!

If a hood is good enough for Batman, it’s good enough for my penis. Uncircumcised joints look gross, like a cross between a tentacle and a trunk. But the word on the street is that it feels better to have a foreskin. My zipper cudgel is cut, and therefore less sensitive than a man who&#8217…

John DeVore / January 27, 2010

Mind Of Man: Dudes Do Not Dig Surprises

A recent issue of GLAMOPOLITAN magazine instructed its female readers to surprise their boyfriends by showing up at the dude’s apartment wearing a trench coat and nothing underneath. Don’t do this. And I’m not telling you not to do it because a silly girly magazine said so. I kind of enjoy those trash-diculous publications: they’re…

John DeVore / January 20, 2010

Mind Of Man: Women Want Six-Pack Abs And I Only Have One

Women don’t clamor for guys with ripped six packs. Am I wrong? We’re talking about those toned, well-defined abdominal muscles that grace the covers of magazines for hairless men who drink liquid protein. Clean pants, yes. Dandruff-free hair, definitely. I know for certain ladies appreciate a healthy dude, or at least, a dude who doesn’t…

John DeVore / January 13, 2010

Mind Of Man: Polyamory Is Not For Everyone

”Open relationships” are like snowboarding. There are people who can do it very well. And then there are people like me, who will end up breaking something. I was in an open relationship once. It lasted for a couple hours and abruptly ended with me storming out into the cold, crestfallen that she had actually…

John DeVore / January 6, 2010

ABC’s “Conveyor Belt Of Love” Will Bring About The End Of The World

Last night, Amelia introduced me to a television show where fashion-forward harridans-in-training reject a stream of desperate men, shucking and jiving for their approval. These men were delivered to these reclining prima donnas via conveyor belt — a literal conveyor belt. As if they were stepping off an assembly line from the Freshly Scrubbed…

John DeVore / January 5, 2010

Mind Of Man: My New Year’s Resolution

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, I suggest aiming low. Reach for your shoelaces, not the stars. For instance, this year, I resolve to eat more donuts. Crullers, coconut, apple and spice. I can handle this and am fairly confident that come next year, I will be able to look at my fat face…

John DeVore / December 30, 2009

Mind Of Man: What To Buy Her For Christmas

I did something I’ve never done this holiday season: I bought The Girl I’m Currently Dating a necklace for Magic Space Baby Day (i.e., Christmas). A silver, heart-shaped locket to be exact. I did this because she has a beautiful, graceful neck and I wanted her to be able to show it off. And I…

John DeVore / December 23, 2009

Mind Of Man: What The Tiger Woods Sex Scandal Is Really About

So, Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. For those of you who don’t know, Tiger Woods is a professional golfer worth a billion dollars. He is involved in a sex scandal, much like your average politician, rock star, or preacher. I have no opinion on the topic. Except that Tiger Woods has the fashion sense…

John DeVore / December 9, 2009

Mind Of Man: The 5 Celebrities You Can Sleep With

A buddy of mine recently told me that he and his girlfriend have an arrangement. The deal is this: They both have a list of five celebrities they are allowed to sleep with in the highly unlikely event that such an opportunity presents itself. Oh, but I’m wise to the she-brain. I had to nobly…

John DeVore / November 25, 2009

Mind Of Man: Why Men Fight

Men fight because it feels good. It’s thrilling. Testosterone explodes and adrenaline surges. The hormonal musk kicked up by a MMA fight is potent enough to grow hair on a grapefruit. We have love of the battle in our blood. There are biological and evolutionary reasons for this. Like many male mammals, men compete for…

John DeVore / November 18, 2009

Mind Of Man: The Hair Down There

Ladies, let your pubic hair grow. Allow it to run riot like a wild, verdant jungle. Shave not your delicate triangle of womanly power. Not all dudes demand a shorn ‘gina. I know that many do, and I apologize on behalf of those creeps. And it is creepy – I can’t help but think a…

John DeVore / November 11, 2009

Mind Of Man: I Can’t Change, But I’m Trying Anyway

You can’t change the one you love. Your significant other isn’t a fixer-upper that you can repaint, renovate, and redecorate to suit your whims. Loving someone for who they could be, should be or as you see them in your dreams isn’t love: it’s self-absorption that says more about your own flaws than theirs. To…

John DeVore / November 4, 2009

Mind Of Man: The Greatest Sex Position Ever

Dear Missionary Position,

You don’t get any respect. People think you’re old-fashioned, or bland or submissive. The other positions are more popular than you are. Flashy pornos feature kinkier ways to go at it, and popular magazines feature sex positions that would make a carnie contortionist reach for the Ben Gay. Some of…

John DeVore / October 28, 2009

Mind Of Man: Clothes Do Not Make The Man

To many women, looking stylish is a total obsession. And I don’t think you dress to kill to impress the men in your lives, because we just aren’t that picky, nor are our tastes refined enough to offer substantial critiques. I gave up watching “Project Runway” (the female equivalent of UFC) after the second seaso…

John DeVore / October 21, 2009

Mind Of Man: Dealing With Her Dad

It is not important for my girlfriend’s father to like me; we are all far too concerned in this modern age with being “liked.” There is no virtue in the pursuit of instant, superficial approval. Her father and I aren’t peers, or buddies, and we’re not dating. I’m the dude who’s nailing his little princess,…

John DeVore / October 14, 2009

Mind Of Man: Whatever You Do, Don’t Cohabitate

There are only two reasons why I’d move in and live with another girlfriend. We’re married and determined to fill a sweatshop with our nimble-fingered love critters. Or she cracks me in the head with a shovel, sews my mouth shut, replaces my eyeballs with marbles, and sits my stuffed body in the corner. Whatever…

John DeVore / October 7, 2009

Mind Of Man: Real Men Buy Flowers

Men should buy women flowers. They are colorful. They smell nice. And without them, flora would never get laid. To many, purchasing flowers is cliché or corny or tacky. And to others, it’s an outdated ritual in our modern era of gender equality. I’d like to address the men reading this (all five of you):…

John DeVore / September 30, 2009

Mind Of Man: Where All The Good Guys Are

Women always seem to ask me where all the good men are, as if these near-mythical dudes are hiding behind bushes, chained up in some vampire’s basement, or are just rare and elusive, like the snow leopard. Normally, I have to resist responding, “Maybe the good guys are just avoiding you.” But the answer to…

John DeVore / September 23, 2009

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