I’ll tell you where to find eligible, sensitive, loving, manly men are, and that’s Queens, which is like Brooklyn, if Brooklyn didn’t try so hard. This magical borough in New York City is positively thick with emo blog hacks from Texas. But if this gritty urban paradise isn’t convenient, then the next best place to meet men is, you know, wherever. Keep reading »
When the dead walk and the world is plunged into chaos, the only dating advice that will matter is this: the couple that beheads zombies together, stays together. But that advice doesn’t just work in a dark future where corpses hunger for human flesh. It is very practical dating advice for right now, in these last, few remaining years when the deceased stay in their coffins, rather than clawing out from their graves.
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Women are always writing blog posts about the types of men who shouldn’t be dated, like overgrown frat boys, mole people, and men who still bathe with their mothers. Well, two can play at that game! I see your stereotype and raise you a bunch! Here are the types of women no man should date.
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The old cliché warns against judging a book by its cover, and this is especially true when sizing up a lover. You just can’t tell how sexually adventurous a person is by looking at them. Appearances don’t always deceive; sometimes they just obscure the truth. And I’ve learned over the years that just because she looks Amish, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a vibrator the size of a jackhammer under her bed. Keep reading »
I had a plan on September 10th, 2001. It was a rough plan, just broad strokes, really. But it was a plan. Because men make plans. You can’t build a bridge or pull off a bank heist or rescue a hostage without a plan. So I had a plan to get my life in order. It was a three-part plan. Part one: stop being fat and stupid. Part two: become rich. Part three: quit smoking. Keep reading »
My lady friend asked me if I thought it was “absurd” to want to be monogamous with someone and I immediately told her that I did not think it was absurd. It’s absurd to want to be monogamous with a rhinoceros or a pineapple. Especially pineapples, because they are the sluttiest fruit. But I do think that wanting or expecting monogamy is unnatural. Keep reading »