Well, this is going to make me popular. Ladies, gentlemen, and hatebots of the jury, I stand before you to defend a humble motorcycle mechanic who made some very poor life choices. Jesse James committed adultery, and betrayed the trust of his betrothed, a wealthy woman who cares for his child from another marriage. The knowledge that such a union has been threatened, if not wholly wasted, is punishment enough. But no, this man must suffer death by a thousand bitchy little internet comments. Keep reading »
A recent issue of a woman’s magazine instructed their readers to date “nerds.”
The article read like it was written by a bunch of mean girl anthropologists in little black dresses who just discovered a whole new species of men. They seemed so happy to find guys who weren’t smug investment bankers, aging jocks, or sociopathic musicians.
But by their definition, a nerd is a scrawny, wheezing, socially awkward savant utterly devoted to any woman who pays him even the slightest attention. That’s not a nerd. That’s a Mole Person. A shut-in with Mommy issues. Human veal.
Allowing these sorority girl scribblers to explain nerds is like asking a Klingon to explain The Force. I am qualified to characterize what a nerd is, namely because I am a nerd. [Obviously. -- Editor Amelia] An alpha nerd. I love what I love, and I own it. An alpha nerd can love Lord of the Rings, and the company of women. The two are not mutually exclusive. Keep reading »
If a woman asks a man out on a date, she is not obligated to buy dinner. I just wanted to clear that up.
Life is all too brief a cosmic commercial break to spend it sending telepathic messages to crushes old and new. In medieval times, sure. ‘Twas the men who came calling. But those were the days when women were dragon bait. We live in modern times, so hurry up and ask that special man/bartender/skeeball competitor out. And, again, don’t worry about the bill. I’ve actually been asked this question. The dude will take care of it because that’s what dudes do. There are some things the male of the species will always be in charge of, like bear defense. You know what else? Buying dinner on the first date. (Dear Testicles: She’s going to spend time and money getting her hot on anyway.) Keep reading »
It seems that women are genuinely shocked that men enjoy genital stimulation via your lovely mitts. But it’s true. They were hot in your parents’ basement when we were teens, and they’re hot now.
But maybe the problem is our terminology. A “blow job” sounds fun. Playful. Kind of like a Blow Pop. But a “hand job” sounds like construction work.
Words are power. Here are 11 alternative names for an erotic activity that is definitely hands-on. Keep reading »
Not all hotties grow up to be sexy MILFs. That’s because MILFs contradict the dominant fashion paradigm. Youth is not beauty and vice versa. Experience counts. There was a time when a mother was a wholly desexualized human being. A woman stripped of want, lust, and femininity. MILFs obliterate this old-fashioned stereotype. A woman retains her sexual power after childbirth. She is, in fact, more potent. A hot mama.
Like most guys, I love MILFs. It always baffled me when I was an editor at BEER FART BOOBS magazine why we didn’t feature more MILFs. It took me a couple of years to realize that our magazine was for young men but read by tired old men who depressingly took “college are the best years of your life” to heart. They wanted jailbait. Not secure, sophisticated women who can shuck corn with their thighs. Keep reading »
I can’t stand the concept of the “man cave.” It’s like a grown-up version of the word “cooties.” One is something you catch from yucky girls. The other place is a spider hole you scurry to in order to escape girls with cooties.
First, don’t confuse the “man cave” with a “caveman.” Generally, I think cavemen are awesome, even if 40 percent of Texans think ancient man rode dinosaurs. I am pro-caveman — the hunting, the grunting, the freely flapping testicles, the whole kit and caboodle. However, they lived short, brutal lives of constant terror. Not the same thing as what I am ranting about. Keep reading »
When I’m ill, I drink whiskey. More specifically, a hot toddy, otherwise known as “Irish Nyquil.” My beloved local bartender from North Ireland taught me her old family recipe — just hot water, a couple jiggers of whiskey, and lemon wedges studded with cloves. One of those, spicy Kung Pao chicken, and bed. I behave like a dying animal when I’m sick. I like to suffer alone, in the dark. I hate to be fussed over. Can’t you see I’m in mortal combat with the sniffles?!
This frustrates my girlfriend because she sees it as unfair. Well, life is unfair, Toots. When I fall ill, she wants to rush to my apartment and dote on me. Nurture me back to health. And I refuse to let her. I can’t stand being pampered. It drives me crazy. I am a man. Like Batman. And if Batman can sew his own wounds shut in his crime-fighting bunker, I can blow my nose in bed without help from anyone. For the record: I blow my nose with toilet paper, not “Kleenex,” the way the cavemen did. I appreciate her attentions, of course. But it’s my fight. Keep reading »
The truth is: men don’t expect much on Valentine’s Day. We know that this is a holiday for women. Most of us accept this as a manly duty, like chopping wood or boxing grizzly bears. There is a quiet sort of pride in making your woman happy. Sure, many of us drag our feet, roll our eyes, and bitch like a junior chubbo with an empty bottle of chocolate syrup. But then we buy flowers, make a reservation, hold your hand, and you light up like New York City at night. Then it’s not so bad. The wine helps.
Keep reading »
This Sunday is the Academy Awards of Football and, believe it or not, there are a lot of people who couldn’t care less about this High Holy Day. But if you’re dating a pigskin junkie, you have very little choice: You’re going to be dragged to a get-together where jerseys and body paint are the fashion. Normally, I don’t get wildly excited about football, but this year is a little different for me. I usually just inhale nachos until the Halftime Show, then return to carbo-grazing. Occasionally, I’ll look at the score, or ask if anything is broken.
But for those women (and men) who dread an entire day dedicated to cheering human freight trucks slathered in spandex, please consider that Super Bowl Sunday is a day when you are allowed to eat with your fingers, wear fat pants out, and not actually have to talk to anyone. Just grunt. These are positives. Just show up and do your best dinosaur impersonation. Keep reading »
If a hood is good enough for Batman, it’s good enough for my penis. Uncircumcised joints look gross, like a cross between a tentacle and a trunk. But the word on the street is that it feels better to have a foreskin. My zipper cudgel is cut, and therefore less sensitive than a man who’s packing a frightful sex nozzle. I mourn the loss of that little flap of skin. I think I would have preferred to have had the choice to be circumcised or not. Keep reading »