Profile for Jessica Goldberg

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Robert Pattinson Admits He’s Not Big On Bathing

For over a year, rumors have swirled that Robert Pattinson is seriously stank. We suspected it might be true based on the greasy hair, but then his “Twilight” co-star Alex Meraz confused us, saying that Robert smells like roses. But now Robert himself has confirmed our worst suspicions. “I don’t know, my personal hygiene—it’s so disgusting,” he said in an interview, confessing the jeans he wore were several days old. So what’s a fan to think? I’m sure a very large team of volunteer investigators could be enlisted to find out the truth about Robert’s aroma. They can all get in line behind me. [Daily News]

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Diapered Astronaut Gets Slap On Wrist In Court

Remember Lisa Nowak, the astronaut turned would-be kidnapper? She stole a car to race to Florida, wearing a diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop since she was in such a hurry to put on a wig and mace her romantic rival, Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman. Well, Lisa just went to court. She originally faced felony charges, like attempted kidnapping, which could have gotten her life in prison, but the charges were reduced to misdemeanor battery and burglary of an automobile. And a judge also took it easy on her, only sentencing Lisa to a year of probation and requiring her to send an apology letter to Colleen, promising to stay far, far away. Colleen is now married to the man Lisa attacked her over, and since the happy couple lost their jobs in the fallout from the incident, they moved to Alaska to freelance. All’s well that ends well? [Newser] Keep reading »

Caught On Tape: A 26-Year-Old Falls On Subway Tracks As A Train Arrives — And Lives!


Now, I’m not judging—who hasn’t been there?—but 26-year-old Sophia Hartdegen sure looked rip-roaring drunk when she fell off the platform and on to the Boston subway tracks on Friday night, just as a train appeared in the distance. Lucky for her, a Transportation Authority employee just happened to be on the platform too and called the subway driver, Charice Lewis. Lewis pulled the train’s emergency brake and it stopped just short of the station—literally inches from Hartdegen. Lewis told the CBS “Early Show” that she got out of the train cab, and thought, “Please God, let this woman be OK.” And she was. Hartdegen just smiled up at her. Totally how a sober person would react. [AP]
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Jim Carrey Is Still Annoying, But His Website Is Awesome!

I just spent way too much time surfing around Jim Carrey’s website. Actually, it felt more like swimming than surfing and its bizarreness kind of made me like the man. A centipede curls into itself in the center of a dark screen while the page loads, and before you decide to navigate away, a window opens into a scene that looks like a cross between a Salvador Dali painting and a Tim Burton film. It’s like the three of them got together to create a video game. All of the bizarre characters scattered across the landscape have Jim’s features, and about half of them are clickable icons—like the Jim Carrey-headed harpy that scrolls 144 character messages from its mouth, and when clicked, directs you to Jim’s Twitter page. There’s also an egg you can crack to release a floating ballet rock star princess. If you click on her, the link takes you to his daughter’s band’s MySpace page. Trippy. [Jim Carrey]

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Mickey Mouse Got A Makeover. But What About Minnie?

You know how our grandparents grew up yelling “Hello, Mickey” back at the TV during cartoon hour? Well, today’s kids seem to view the helium-voiced mascot as more of a logo, or maybe a hat design, than as a lovable character. I guess that didn’t sit well with the higher-ups at Disney, who want their iconic moneymakers to hold not just our attention but our hearts. So Disney is re-imagining Mickey Mouse. Next fall, in a video game called “Epic Mickey,” Nintendo Wii players will have the opportunity to mold their own CGI version of Mickey, who will travel through the Small World ride gone wrong and face a disemboweled robot Donald Duck, among other dilemmas. Mickey’s appearance will change through his adventures, with the way gamers make Mickey behave. In this universe, Mickey will be a rascally character, a la Bart Simpson, which was his original persona. Sounds great. But, uh, what about Minnie? And Donald? And Goofy? And Daisy? After the jump, we suggest how to bring them into 2009 as well.. [NY Times] Keep reading »

Hypnotize Your Way To Bigger Boobs?

In an always appreciated roundup of information I actually need, the folks over at Asylum put together a list of bizarro breast enlargement techniques that don’t require several thousand dollars and a surgeon. The approach given the most credibility is, surprisingly, tit-no-therapy. I mean hypnotherapy. Because I’m not nine years old. Some people really do seem to take it seriously. The Body Contouring Programme, which sells hypnosis books and CDs for brightening the headlights, cites a list of publications that have given the thumbs up to hypnosis for bigger boobs, including two references by Deepak Chopra. The most recent of Deepak’s articles, though, was written in 1993. In fact the most recent publication referenced on the website was from 1993. Have breast enlargement hypnotherapy techniques sat stagnant that long? Are boob whisperers on the endangered species list? The Body Contouring Programme says its current in-office sessions cost $1500—is it wrong that I’m this curious? [Asylum] Keep reading »

High Glitz Or Child Tragedy?

The coffee table book High Glitz would seriously freak out anyone who sat down on my couch. The collection of images shows beauty queen toddlers posing for the child pageant sub-genre called Glitz. These tots get glamour makeup, front teeth veneers, and couture costumes before being photographed. It speaks from an era I hoped didn’t really exist. So, are these beautiful images or child abuse? You’ll have to be the judge. I say somebody needs to take these kids outside to make mud pies. [Lil Sugar]
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Strippers Who Claim They’ve Slept With The Men Of Hollywood

Have you heard about Nicole Forrester? She’s a dancer at the hilariously named Tattletale club, where she says she began an acquaintance with Josh Duhamel that ended in a one-night stand. Nicole says the National Enquirer told her the story would be published whether she participated or not, and then gave her $20K, presumably as payment for the interview and polygraph test she provided. That money does buy a lot of stripper heels, but it’s not enough to solve many problems these days. Did she just want the money or is she telling the truth? [People]

Doesn’t it seem like a lot of strippers have made claims about the men of Hollywood? After the jump, a few similar stories. Keep reading »

Whiskey-Flavored Condoms Make Whiskey Dick Literal

How many times have I complained that my boyfriend’s enthusiasm for my BJ talent has been cutting into my drinking schedule? I lost count. Luckily, my problem could be solved with these new whiskey-flavored condoms from the genius company McCondom. But, you see, I’m picky: Which kind of scotch do these flavored condoms taste like? Because the deep smoky quality of Laphroaig would be a bad match with the antiseptic flavor of latex, don’t ya think? The spicy opening note of Bewenie might make a nice pairing, but imagine the cost of that condom. Anyway, order these babies here—they’re about $5 a pair. They would go great in the gift bags at your bestie’s bachelorette party. The perfect nightcap, if you ask me. [BuzzFeed]
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What Do Reality TV Stars Make, Anyway?

After the premiere of VH1′s “Sex Rehab,” I found myself thinking one thing: How much did folks get paid to be on this show, cause I certainly hope it’s a whole heck of a lot. Ask and ye shall receive—a day later, I have my answer. Comedian Artie Lange, a former heroin and cocaine addict, has revealed to the NY Post that he was offered $200K to go on “Celebrity Rehab.” He turned the offer down. “They said it was about me getting better, but if I relapsed, they’re not going to air that?” he said. “My mother knows I’ve done coke, but she’s never seen me do it.” Still, that is a lot of dough we’re talking about. After the jump, let’s see how that compares to what others get for starring in reality shows. [TV.com] Keep reading »

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