Profile for Jessica Wakeman

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Frisky Rant: Men Don’t Cheat Because Their Wives Are Ugly

When my high school boyfriend cheated on me, I found out the other girl’s Instant Messenger screen name and “confronted” her online. (Not the most mature move, I know. But give me a break! I had just turned 17.) You know what this bitch had the audacity to say to me? “I’ve seen a picture of you! No wonder he cheated.” Owww.

Sadly, that dopey logic is not confined to teenage soccer players who give hickeys to other girls’ boyfriends; it has cycled over and over and over in my mind as this alleged Tiger Woods affair has played out. Surely you, like me, have heard numerous friends or significant others say something to the effect of, “How could he have cheated on his wife? She’s so gorgeous!” Yes, Elin Nordegren is a freaking blonde-haired Swedish former model and her turd husband allegedly still cheated on her. What I want to know is why we insist a woman’s beauty—which is highly subjective!—is some kind of barometer—which is highly shallow!—of whether or not her hubby will cheat. Keep reading »

Today’s Lady News: NY Same-Sex Marriage Bill Fails, But Senator Gives An Amazing Speech In Favor

  • The District of Columbia legalized same-sex marriage yesterday … [L.A. Times]
  • … but today, New York’s State Senate voted down a bill to legalize same-sex marriage. Extreme disappointment. The only good thing to come out of the vote was this rousing, passionate, and impressive speech — above — in favor of passing the measure, by NY Senator Diane Savino. It’s funny, as well as moving and worth watching all 7.5 minutes. [New York Times]

Keep reading »

Smartest Women Of The Decade

Georgia Jail Thinks Pink Is For Prisoners

Ben Hill County Jail in Georgia will be undergoing some pretty severe interior decoration soon. So, why do we care? The whole jail will be painted Pepto-Bismol pink on the inside and re-refurbished in the girly hue: pink walls, pink shower curtains, pink bed sheets, pink blankets, even pink handcuffs. I wonder how much that is costing taxpayers.

But why a loud Pepto-Bismol pink, of all colors? Are they trying to torture these prisoners? No, they’re trying to shame them. Because, you know, pink is a feminine color. There is no punishment worse than making a man be the slightest bit feminine, apparently. Keep reading »

“Cheetahs,” The New Dumbass Label For “Older” Women Who Date

Apparently unaware that women of all ages have always enjoyed robust sex lives, The New York Observer introduces us to “cheetahs.” What’s a cheetah, you ask? They are 30-something single women — the younger nieces of the 40-something-and-up “cougars” — who are so desperate for sex and affection that they’ll prowl the bars, waiting to prey on unsuspecting victims. In fact, cheetahs will basically rape men, they’re so overcome by singledom lust!

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Today’s Lady News: California Prankster Tries To Ban Divorce To Save “Traditional Marriage”

  • “Saturday Night Live” has hired another female writer! Jessi Klein is the third person with a vagina (not including performers) to grace the current “SNL” writing team. [The Wrap]—Could it be that Klein was hired in response to criticism by former “Letterman” writer Nell Scovell, who complained in Vanity Fair about nearly all-male comedy show writing staffs?
  • John Marcotte, a rabble-rouser with a great sense of humor, is trying to get a measure on California’s ballot box to ban divorce to make a statement about same-sex marriage, which was outlawed in 2008 to protect so-called traditional marriage between straights. Marcotte told CBS News, “Since California has decided to protect traditional marriage … it would be hypocritical of us not to sacrifice some of our own rights to protect traditional marriage even more.” He has a point! [CBS News]

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Wedges That Take Stripper Heels To New Heights!

Someone should tell the craftsman who whittled the lil’ pole dancer on these 7″ wedges that stripper heels are usually made of clear plastic. But, hey, whatevs. The $175 price tag on eBay is a steal for such an, um, unique item. (Although we’re pretty sure falling off 7″ tall shoes will break your neck.) [Trend de la Creme] Keep reading »

Cocktail Waitress Jaimee Grubbs Also Claims Intimate Knowledge Of Tiger’s Wood

Uh oh. It just became an even worse week to be named “Tiger Woods.” A 24-year-old L.A. cocktail waitress named Jaimee Grubbs, who appeared on trashy VH1 dating show “Tool Academy,” claims she has also boinked the very married golf pro. According to a story on UsMagazine.com, Grubbs claims she and Woods had a two-and-a-half year-long relationship and engaged in 20 sexual encounters. Grubbs also claims to possess 300 text messages from Woods and a condemning voicemail in which Woods says his wife, Elin Nordegren, has discovered their affair. Eeek! But once again: take these rumors with a grain of salt, innocent until proven guilty, fame-hungry bitches, etc., etc. Still, we’ve got to say, it would seem that between Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel, the woman whom The National Enquirer accused of being “the other woman,” Tiger has a thing for party girls, doesn’t he? [UsMagazine.com] Keep reading »

Holiday Shopping List: For Little Girls

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Christmas is coming and my three kindergarten-aged nieces want Santa to drop just one toy down the chimney: Barbie, Barbie, Barbie. (Never mind that they already have 19 Barbies between them.) I’m not the world’s biggest Barbie fan, though; the whole giant boobs/long legs/blonde hair thing really isn’t Aunt Jessie’s style. Luckily after a little searching, I’ve found some great crafts, stuffed animals, books and tee shirts for little girls that I can give with a clear conscience … I mean, that Santa can.

Show Some Restraint! Sex-In-The-Shower Handcuffs Keep You Suctioned In

For those of you who like to play police officer/naughty girl in the shower, nothing says amore like neoprene, Velcro, and suction cups! OK, I don’t actually want to have sex in my shower because it’s got all kinds of nasty black fungus rapidly multiplying on the shower liner. But with a few squirts of Scrubbing Bubbles, I would totally get cuffed into these $20 sex-in-the-shower handcuffs faster than you can say “soap scum.” These fun sex toys look loads less slippery than holding on to the shampoo caddy for dear life. Free sample, please? It’s for, um, a friend. [SexToyFun.com] Keep reading »

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