Profile for Jessica Wakeman

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Quotable: Paulina Porizkova Compares Heidi Montag To A “Cheap Plastic Pool Float”

“Wouldn’t Audrey Hepburn, Jane Birkin, Twiggy, Charlotte Rampling, and Jean Harlow have lost their special brand of elegant, feline sexiness if they were tipping over under the weight of great ol’ mammaries? Compare any one of these natural beauties to someone like Heidi Montag, and it’s like comparing a Hastens Swedish handmade mattress to a cheap plastic pool float.”

— Model Paulina Porizkova has a point about the natural beauty thing, but she’s kind of going over our head with that “Hastens Swedish handmade mattress” stuff. [Modelinia] Keep reading »

Code Red! Your Girlfriend Has Her Period Right Now!

You turn on The Weather Channel for tornado warnings. You turn on the local radio for flood warnings. But what about those, um, natural disasters a little closer to home? Meet a new iPhone app — purportedly just for men — called Code Red: A Survival Guide To Her Monthly Cycle. Yes, boys, you can pay $1.99 to be alerted on your smart phone the exact days of the month your lady’s egg drops down her fallopian tubes. Keep reading »

Bea Arthur’s Posthumous PETA Ad

Oh, look, a PETA ad that’s not bats**t insane!

Our “Golden Girls” gal Bea Arthur speaks out from beyond the grave to wag her finger at McDonalds’ for using “factory farms” for their meat products. Thank you for being a friend to chickens, Bea! [Bitch Magazine] Keep reading »

KROQ Asks, Is Christina Hendricks Full Figured Or Fat?

Radio station KROQ has just a brilliantly creative content creation department: A poll on their website, by someone named “Psycho Mike,” is just aching to generate outraged page views by asking, “Christina Hendricks — Full Figured Or Fatness?”

“I feel like she could lose a couple of pounds … Everyone on the staff (including men, not just bitter women) disagrees with me. What do you think?”

Hmm, what do I think? Keep reading »

Today’s Lady News: Obama Will Nominate A Supreme Court Justice Who Supports “Women’s Rights”

  • When asked about Justice Stevens’ impending departure from the Supreme Court, President Obama said his nominee will take “into account individual rights and that includes women’s rights,” which some took to mean this person will support legal abortion. Obama added, “Part of what our core constitutional values promote is the notion that individuals are protected in their privacy and their bodily integrity and women are not exempt from that.” Obama also said he won’t have “litmus tests” for his SCOTUS nominees. [USA Today]
  • Ben Roethlisberger, a quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, who was recently accused of sexually assaulting a 20-year-old college student, will allegedly be banned from four to six games for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy. Last week, prosecutors dropped charges against Roethlisberger. [AP]

Keep reading »

Boxing Champ Sergio Martinez Says Fight In The Ring, Not At Home With Your Woman

If there’s one thing we love more than a hot man with his shirt off, it’s a hot man with his shirt off who fights for a good cause: Middleweight champion Sergio Martinez announced yesterday he’s launching a campaign in the boxing community to raise awareness about violence against women. But sadly, Martinez is responding to a tragedy that struck the boxing world this weekend when Edwin Valero stabbed his 24-year-old wife to death and then committed suicide in his jail cell. Valero had been arrested for hitting his mom and sister last September and was suspected of beating his wife, Jennifer Viera. Still, it’s sweet that one of Valero’s contemporaries will not allow the young woman’s death to have been in vain. “I love and respect women. Violence against women is simply unacceptable,” Martinez said on Tuesday. “The great number of cases, too often involving athletes, requires action. I have always confided in my mother and consider myself to be a momma’s boy. Women must be respected, not abused.” Swoon. [ESPN] Keep reading »

“Sorry, Ma’am, You Can’t Wear That Princess Dress Here,” Says Disneyland Paris

Scene:
A beautiful spring day in Disneyland Paris

Characters:
Natasha Narula, age 36, who is wearing an old wedding dress with a tiara
Drew, age 8, who is wearing a little girl’s princess dress
“Jacques,” a Disneyland Paris security guard who seems like kind of a jerk

Jacques The Security Guard: Madame? Pardon, madame? You cannot wear that princess dress here. Keep reading »

“Pretty Wild,” Pretty Stupid: Alexis Neiers Flees For the Border


On this week’s episode of “Pretty Wild,” our girl Alexis Neirs has been invited to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico to do a charity event for Haiti. But seeing as Alexis is embroiled in legal trouble for her alleged participation in the Hollywood “bling ring” — a group of L.A. teens who police say robbed the homes of celebrities — she wants to check with her lawyer first. This clip makes it seem like if Alexis just whines enough, her lawyer will “let” her go! But at least he hilariously warns Alexis that “bounty hunters” will track her down if she tries to flee justice a lá rape-y old Roman Polanski (although she’d have her E! reality crew in tow, natch). [E! Online] Keep reading »

Whee! Gabourey Sidibe Is Hosting “SNL” This Weekend!

Judging by these promos, Gabourey Sidibe‘s hosting gig on “Saturday Night Live” is going to involve a lot of guns and Andy Samberg with his pants off. (But hopefully not so much high-pitched screaming.) But you know what this means, guys? There’ll actually be a black woman on “SNL” — not just Kenan Thompson in lipstick and a wig. Keep reading »

What’s So Funny About Gwyneth Paltrow Getting Punched In The Face?

I have a sense of humor. I really do. I even defended evil, bad, un-feminist Tina Fey when she hosted “Saturday Night Live” recently. But, sorry Onion News Network, I don’t crack a smile at this fake news clip, “Iron Man 2 Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched In Face.” What, exactly, is funny about the idea of Gwyneth Paltrow getting punched in the face? Keep reading »

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