Profile for The Bad Girlfriend

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The Bad Girlfriend Discovers Her Boyfriend Is Gay

When I was in college, I had a gay boyfriend. No, he wasn’t my queeny bestie who helped me match my purse with my shoes and went clubbing with me; he was my actual boyfriend—we had sex, I met his parents, the whole deal. To be fair, I didn’t know he was gay. He didn’t act like it, and even though all of his best friends were campy and out ‘n’ proud, I just thought he was an enlightened dude who didn’t care about their sexual orientation. I knew his gay best friend was in love with him, and hated me because we were dating, but I was secure enough to just deal with it and all the bitchy glares he threw my way whenever I showed up at bars or parties. This went on for about a year, and while the GB and I had a somewhat rocky relationship, I ultimately thought we were in love, and really, quite the adorable couple. Keep reading »

The Bad Girlfriend Hides Her Vices

When I was a teenager, I hid all of my vices from my mom and dad. My high school boyfriend snuck in and out of our house so they wouldn’t know I was having sex, I kept perfume and eye drops in a boot in the garage so I wouldn’t smell and look so stoned when I walked in, and once I even hid my jeans in the backyard when I came home so drunk I peed my pants while trying to open the front door. For the most part, mom and dad remained oblivious to my shady behavior. (Except, sadly, my mom found the pee pants in the backyard before I could wake up, and threw them in my face. And a nosy neighbor once squealed to her about strange boys jumping out the window. Also, sorry, mom. I do hope I don’t have a daughter like me.)
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The Bad Girlfriend Calls Out The Wrong Name

Maybe you’ve never admitted it out loud, but we all have the capacity to be cruel. The Bad Girlfriend has the capacity and then some. She’s a friend of ours who we love for being trustworthy and smart, funny and exceedingly loyal…to her girlfriends, that is. But boyfriends? That’s another story. We pity the fools who end up on her arm—give it a few months, a year, even three, and suddenly they won’t know what hit ‘em. We don’t expect you to love her, but we do expect that you may, begrudgingly, see a bit of yourself in her bad deeds.

There are many times in life when you get busted for doing something wrong and freeze -up in fear— you know that feeling when your heart seems to stop, a wave of hot panic washes over you, and your bladder control muscles stop working properly? This can happen anytime, such as when you’re 14 and get caught smoking by your principal, or when security guards stop you at the front door of the mall when you have an unpaid for sweater balled up in your bag. (Ok, maybe that was just me.) But nothing will prepare you for having this feeling when you’re in the middle of having sex. There’s only really one thing that can cause this panic: calling out the wrong person’s name in the middle of the deed. Keep reading »

The Bad Girlfriend Gets Caught Stealing

Maybe you’ve never admitted it out loud, but we all have the capacity to be cruel. The Bad Girlfriend has the capacity and then some. She’s a friend of ours who we love for being trustworthy and smart, funny and exceedingly loyal…to her girlfriends, that is. But boyfriends? That’s another story. We pity the fools who end up on her arm — give it a few months, a year, even three, and suddenly they won’t know what hit ‘em. We don’t expect you to love her, but we do expect that you may, begrudgingly, see a bit of yourself in her bad deeds.

You know that song by No Doubt, “Ex-Girlfriend”? The chorus goes, “Kind of always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend”? When I hear that song, I change the words to this: “Kind of always knew I’d end up a bad girlfriend,” because no matter what, I inevitably do. I don’t mean to be sleazy. I don’t set out thinking, “I’m going to cheat, lie, and steal from this sucker,” each time I enter a new relationship, but I do. For some reason, I am totally cruel to dudes. Still, after each fresh new breakup, I feel that I’ve learned a valuable lesson from the experience. And that counts for something, right? Keep reading »

The Bad Girlfriend Humps The Boss

Admit it — we’ve all done something we’re not proud of. Maybe you’ve never said it out loud, but we all have the capacity to be cruel. The Bad Girlfriend is a friend of ours who we love for being trustworthy and smart, funny and exceedingly loyal…to her girlfriends, that is. But boyfriends? That’s another story. We pity the fools who end up on her arm — give it a few months, a year, even three, and suddenly they won’t know what hit ‘em. We don’t expect you to love her, but we do expect that you may, begrudgingly, see a bit of yourself in her bad deeds.

I admit it; I’m a bad girlfriend. I’ve lied, cheated, and stolen from my boyfriends. Still, I always learn a valuable lesson after each new breakup. Keep reading »

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