When I was 15, my mom got remarried to a Hawaiian shirt-wearing, retired “Coasty” named Tom. His kids, Caleb and Heather, lived up near Boston with their mom, and we lived in Florida. So, I only ever saw my new step-brother and step-sister on big holidays every other year. They were more friends than siblings. They were a little older than me — she was 19 and he was 17 — and I thought they were so cool. Mostly because they had shirts with Chinese dragons on them, which, if you don’t remember, were actually super fly back in the day. Keep reading »
Profile for Emily Morrow
Ryan* and I started dating during my junior year of high school, when I was going through my Christian good-girl phase. I dutifully attended church lock-ins, Bible camps, and crushed on worship band boys. Ryan, who played guitar in a Christian band (sigh) and just so happened to be the son of my 6’5″ Pentecostal Pastor, was the one I chose. In addition to being a couple, we were best friends who were in choir and church drama team together. Ryan was absolutely hilarious, super tall like his dad, and best of all, my mom LOVED him. He really knew how to get old broads to swoon.
He will be just like Richard Gere in “Pretty Woman,” I thought. He will be tall, handsome, dreadfully rich, with salt and pepper hair, and an insatiable desire to buy me shoes. He’ll probably be a complete gentleman. Have a reservation at some super swank restaurant. He’ll think I’m captivating over champagne and oysters. He’ll love that I’m the stereotypical starving artist. By the end of the night he’ll be so head-over-heels that he’ll offer to pay off my student loans and take me to Paris. Maybe after a month he’ll want to give me a head-spinningly generous allowance and buy me an apartment in the Village. You know, just to keep things easy and comfortable for me so I can have more time to go on auditions. And of course, he doesn’t even expect me to have sex with him.
This, of course, is what I pictured my sugar-baby misadventure to be like.
Picture this. You’re surrounded by demons in the mist of an enchanted forest. The Pirate King Sirron has overtaken the portal to Hell and has, through dark magic, bent Demogorgon the Demon Prince to his will. The full force of the Underworld is against you. You, a strong bull-man Paladin Knight, accompanied by a Dwarf, a Cleric, an Elf and a Sorcerer (respectively named Ryan, Phil, George and Steve). This, my friends, is Dungeons & Dragons.
Perhaps this is not where you’d expect to find a bright, bubbly, blonde, violently-sexy and overly-confident comedian. But a few months back, I found myself in this very scenario, sitting in a room full of nerds. One of three girls in the whole place—and the only one that looked like she’d been out of her apartment in the past three months—I realized that, by default, I was an absolute babe. Whoa, I thought to myself. I am the Megan Fox of Dungeons & Dragons right now.