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5 Things Men Do To Ruin Their Own Sex Lives

Sex is weird for guys. We have simple tastes and simple needs that seem to require minimal upkeep. Hell, for that matter, we barely require attention or even presence. Most men could have sex inside our local zoo’s poisonous snake exhibit and not give it a second thought until after the orgasm, when we’re prying puff adders off of our balls and screaming for antivenom. From this perspective, it’s almost impossible for us to understand it when a woman loses the mood. How? What’s wrong with her? Is she a prude?

Before we go jumping to that conclusion, it’s probably best to first turn those accusations inward. Because until you learn these basics, there’s a good chance she’s going to run out of excuses and just fake her own death to avoid your dong. Read more…

The 5 Most Baffling Romance Novel Genres

We here on the Internet aren’t really in a position to judge readers of romance novels. Sure, people stereotype the books as wish-fulfillment fantasies for housewives dreaming of muscle-bound doctor-sheik-Navy-SEAL-Vikings, but at least they’re less weird than the crazy stuff you’ll find online. For the most part, that is. Look a bit deeper into the romance genre and you’ll find all sorts of stories about…

#5. The Amish. Many of us look at the technology-free Amish with longing, thinking of simpler times in the past when we didn’t feel so anxious about all the movies we have to get through in our instant queue. There’s also, however, a subgroup of readers who look at people in straw hats and suspenders and think, Boy, I sure want to have sex with that. The Amish generally don’t believe in lawsuits, but we are sure that they are willing to make an exception here for restraining orders. Read more…

3 Telltale Signs Your Online Girlfriend Is A Scam

Finding love in this post-Friendster era isn’t easy. Just ask 68-year-old University of North Carolina physics and astronomy professor Paul Frampton, who was recently sentenced to five years of house arrest for transporting a suitcase full of cocaine out of Buenos Aires, Argentina, and into the United States.

What compelled the Oxford-educated scholar to freelance as a drug mule? Well, Frampton was under the impression that this valise full of toot belonged to his online girlfriend, one Denise Milani, who in reality is a bikini model who may or may not hail from some undiscovered Toontown where Rob Liefeld was elected mayor. Frampton believed that if he smuggled the drugs, he would be able to retire to a small cabin located two ticks north of Ms. Milani’s solar plexus.

But when Frampton traveled to Bolivia to meet Milani earlier this year, he was not greeted by his new girlfriend/the letter “P” made human flesh, but by a strange man and an even stranger suitcase (their respective cup sizes went unreported by mainstream media). Read more…

5 Everyday Things That Can Literally Drive You Crazy

We’re still living in the Stone Age when it comes to our understanding of mental illness. If you find out that your mom needs pills to control her blood pressure, you shrug and forget about it; if you find out that your mom needs pills to keep from hearing voices in her head, you think you’re living in a horror movie.

But your brain is just another part of your body, and just as you can get a cold by touching a doorknob somebody sneezed on, there are all sorts of random and innocuous things that can make it go haywire. Read more…

The 4 Most Impressively Weird Sex Lives of U.S. Presidents

When you become president, something in your brain snaps. You’re a normal person for a while, and then, as soon as you take your oath on Inauguration Day, the part of your brain that normally makes sure you don’t get too weird with sex collapses in on itself, and a new game begins. The rules are different.

And I’m not just talking about infidelity (of which at least Jefferson, Harding, FDR, JFK, LBJ and Clinton were all guilty), and I’m not just talking about regularly having sex outside (of which John Quincy “Without a Doubt Our Ugliest President” Adams was guilty). I’m talking about the weird stuff. The weird stuff. Read more …

6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off

7 Signs That You're The One Who’s Emotionally Unavailable

As we mentioned in this article, attracting a woman can be so easy you don’t even realize you’re doing it. Of course, most of the methods are totally outside of your control and can only be done on accident.

Unfortunately, it turns out there are just as many things you’re doing to repel women, again without even knowing it. Don’t blame us; it’s science. Common turn-offs include:

#6. Talking To Her: So you’re in a club and–thanks to those eight shots of Jager, each of which you swear is making you exponentially sexier than you were before you downed them–you finally decide to approach the hot chick you’ve been leering creepily at all night. You’ve got your game face on and an arsenal of pick-up lines that would slay a Victoria’s Secret catwalk. Read more…

5 Insignificant Things That Determine If Someone Likes You

Anyone who has ever been unpopular, which we’re thinking is approximately all of you, knows how unfair the system can seem — it’s all about looks and money and some indefinable coolness that some lucky bastards are just born with. Well, we have good news and bad news.

The good news is that there are some unexpected shortcuts that can make a person popular, which maybe isn’t surprising, since the human brain works in some pretty freaky ways. The bad news is that they’re just as stupid and arbitrary as the ones you already knew. Read more…

The 7 Stupidest Ways We’re Promoting Abstinence

Bristol Palin photo

Abstinence-only education starts with the idea that teenagers listen to adults and manages to get even stupider. It’s working to turn the only life-threatening problem in the world that can be fought by balloons into a biblical plague. We’ve reached a point where even the Pope OKs some condom use, and he thinks about sex the same way non-Popes think of the Ark of the Covenant: imagining what the other side has while believing that looking directly at it will melt the soul from your body.

Abstinence-only education turns sex education into an oxymoron, deliberately not teaching people things we know about. It’s what happens when a species breeds so successfully, they start showing off. It’s the reproductive equivalent of riding a bike with no hands and eyes closed: They’ll keep pumping away for a bit, but pretty soon they’ll screw up and their crotch will hurt. The only way to teach something so stupid is to be extremely stupid, and that’s the only thing these campaigns got right. Read more…

6 Diet Fads For People Who Will Try Anything Except Exercise

In a landscape littered with unscientific and downright stupid weight loss products, it takes something extra stupid to get our attention. Fortunately, weight loss is a big business, and some of the products on the market today seem purely intended to find out how far they can go before we call bullshit. After all, surely nobody is really out there buying… Read more!

5 Ways You Know It’s Time To Get Married

I’ve talked about my often-disastrous relationships in a number of my columns, and every time I do, I get dozens of messages from people asking me to elaborate. Not that I’m an expert — it’s more like how you see a guy come screaming out of the woods covered in bees and you ask him where he found the hive, so you can avoid it.

So, the most common question I get (besides “Will you please stop sending me pictures of your penis?”) is “How do I know if this is the one?” which I think is a stealth way of asking me, “How can I avoid the hellish divorce that haunts your memories?”

Well, if you want to avoid the bees, I say you should always keep in mind … Keep reading »

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