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The 4 Worst Things About Being In Love

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What is love? (Baby don’t hurt me.) It’s pretty likely that everyone is going to experience something akin to love at some point in their life. And maybe the fact that I have to use some awkward, twattish, old-school word like “akin” speaks to the confusing nature of the subject. There’s a fine line between love and infatuation, or lust, or a half chub you get whilst daydreaming about Scarlett Johansson. And for all the poems and novels and movies and songs on the subject, there’s a surprising lack of information on what to do with the damn emotion once you have it, short of tweeting to a celebrity about how you want them to murder your vagina (or mangina, depending on context), or how to deal with it when things go wonky on you. So why not give that a spin? Read more on Cracked…

5 Baffling Uses of Sex Toys That Prove Humanity Is Doomed

Ninety percent of all sex toys operate on one immutable principle — you put them in and around holes and slosh them about all flibbity jibbity. Another 9 percent, generally, are holes in which you put something in, and the last 1 percent is everything else, like paddles, high-voltage panties, and rubber sheets. Despite the wide array of terrifying shapes they may come in, at the end of the day, they’re all pretty basic in how they’re used. And, more importantly, you should have a basic idea what you plan to do with them before you start herky jerking them about your person. But nothing lasts forever in the cold November rain, not even a sphincter full of latex, and so sometimes shit just goes wrong. Dead wrong. But, like, read it so it doesn’t sound foreboding. No one dies in this article or anything. A few of them get messed up, but it’s cool. Read more on Cracked…

5 Widely Believed Dating Myths (Science Says Aren’t True)

There are some universally acknowledged truths when it comes to dating. These themes are repeated on sitcoms, in romantic comedies and in your buddy Paul’s hookup stories that he totally swears are true, bro.

And, according to science, most of it is wrong. That’s right; somehow, you know even less about romance than you thought you did. Read more on Cracked…

The 6 Worst Pieces Of Sex Advice On The Internet

Like me, you’ve probably seen sex on screen in a movie from behind the room divider Mom thought didn’t have any cracks in it. Heh heh, Mom. So naive. Being the sexual expert you therefore are, you never need to Google tips on how to be a better lover, but know this! There are numerous websites out there with articles dedicated to making your groin into a combination circus/amusement park/Taco Bell. Is it possible that a hastily made article of numbered points could ever be educational? Who even writes like that? The answer, of course, is I don’t know. This article is more concerned with tips from sites that seem like maybe they were written by people who have never seen good sex through a room divider crack and are therefore unequipped to even hope to tell you how to be a better lover at all. Read more on Cracked…

8 Filthy Foreign Phrases The English Language Needs

Idioms aren’t supposed to make literal sense: Apples and oranges are easy to compare. Kicking the bucket doesn’t sound like such a bad thing. What if the bucket deserved it? What if it was racist? And sure, there probably are multiple ways to skin a cat, but how did that become the benchmark for comparing task variety? In what time and place in human history did we need so many cats skinned that we developed multiple techniques for it?

Cracked has considered idioms before and even tried to analyze why and how they came to exist, an analysis that in many cases peters out pretty quickly, ending with a shrugging linguist. “I dunno,” the linguist says. “Because fuck those cats, I guess.”

But because we use idioms every day, most of the time we don’t even notice them. It’s only poor foreigners trying to learn our stupid tongue who trip over them. And, in the interest of spreading confusion and bafflement, I realized we can replicate that experience here by considering foreign idioms, some of which are completely bonkers. Here are eight of the bonkeriest, along with some shrug-heavy speculation on how they came to pass.

#8. France: “Bang Your Butt on the Ground”: So what do you think this means? It’s a sex thing, right? Or maybe an earthquake- or fire-preparedness drill, kind of the French equivalent of “stop, drop, and roll”? Read more on Cracked…

The 5 Ways We Define Love (And Why They’re Wrong)

There have been many terrible songs, poems, and movies made about love, but a surprisingly small number of Cracked articles. Today, I intend to fill that void. Come with me as I seek the most accurate definition for this thing that makes the world go ’round. Spoiler alert: “A thing that makes the world go ’round” is a bad definition for love.

#5. Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry: When we were very small or when our parents were a little bigger than very small, there was a very famous book and movie called “Love Story.” Think of it as the Titanic of the early ’70s. Read more on Cracked…

5 Life Lessons From A Former Mean Girl

Have you ever woken up with the lingering remnant of a once-forgotten memory? Usually it’s a repressed trauma, like an alien abduction or the knowledge that your middle name is Gaylord. In other words, they’re memories that require years of therapy to forget again. One day this repressed memory phenomenon happened to me. Only instead of waking up with the memory of tattooing happy and sad theater masks to my inner thighs, I suddenly remembered that I used to be a bully. A flood of childhood incidents came back to me, each more awful than the last, all of them changing my entire view of myself.

The effect was devastating. So devastating that I immediately purged all of my guilt into a mocha-fueled confession session on my Twitter account, as the Torah requires. Still, the guilt of all those bad acts lingered. According to the one-eyed gypsy I met at the carnival the other day, unless I use my shameful past for good, the guilt of being a bully will haunt me forever. And also my ears will turn to frogs by midnight tonight. So I’m turning my shame into wisdom for all of you. Read more…

The 6 Most Terrifying Sex Illustrations On Wikipedia

In the days before the Internet, teenagers had basically two options to learn the ins and outs of boning. They amounted to either A) scrambled cable softcore, which was like watching two swarms of bees fighting in a motel room made of non-Euclidean geometry, or B) chancing upon a drifter’s cache of Juggs secreted away in the woods behind the neighborhood liquor store.

Nowadays, young folks don’t have to hazard a vagrant named “Clawhammer Jack” double-fisting bottles of cooking sherry to learn coital choreography. (Spoiled rotten, they are.) No, they can just turn to Wikipedia, that website known throughout the land for drowning the Encyclopedia Britannica factory in unwanted knowledge and tears. Read more…

The 6 Most Terrifying Sex Illustrations On Wikipedia

In the days before the Internet, teenagers had basically two options to learn the ins and outs of boning. They amounted to either A) scrambled cable softcore, which was like watching two swarms of bees fighting in a motel room made of non-Euclidean geometry, or B) chancing upon a drifter’s cache of Juggs secreted away in the woods behind the neighborhood liquor store.

Nowadays, young folks don’t have to hazard a vagrant named “Clawhammer Jack” double-fisting bottles of cooking sherry to learn coital choreography. (Spoiled rotten, they are.) No, they can just turn to Wikipedia, that website known throughout the land for drowning the Encyclopedia Britannica factory in unwanted knowledge and tears.

Despite being one of the most visited sites on the Internet, Wikipedia is jam-packed with marvelously janky doodles of dead-eyed humans doing it. Read more …

5 Popular Self-Help Tips That Actually Hurt Your Career

We all want to be successful, but things like tyrannical bosses, stapler-stealing co-workers and the statistical impossibility of every single person being a CEO keep bringing us down. So we try to balance the scales by following the advice of self-help books or motivational guides — sure, a lot of those things are probably bullshit, but it can’t hurt to give them a try, right?

Actually, yes. Yes, it can hurt, because several of the “tips” that you’d expect to help you are actually messing you up. It turns out you’re not a success because you do things like … Read more…

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