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5 Things That Have To Happen Before You Fix Your Crappy Life

crappy-life

January seems to be the worst time of year for realizing how screwed up your life is. Everyone is talking about resolutions. You’re recovering from all the money you spent on the holidays. Taxes are coming up. It’s the month your parole gets repeatedly denied. It’s the month that says, “Here’s a shitload of enormous problems. Oh, yeah, and here’s a grocery list of crap you need to change about yourself, because the rest of the year you are an overindulgent, self-destructive child.”

Big change — the type you have to make in order to pull yourself out of a turd landslide — is different. It’s scary and requires a hundred times more work than just regular living. Digging yourself out of a hole isn’t about survival … it’s about pulling ahead. In doing that, there are some basics that, in my experience, have to happen. Or at the very least, they make the shoveling a whole lot less brutal. Read more on Cracked…

6 Commonly Used Phrases That Make Everyone Hate You

annoying-words

We live in an age where everyone can — nay, must — share every thought and comment immediately and constantly. As a result, we, as humans, come up with more terrible things to say every single day. But YOLO, amirite?

Obvi there are totes a shit-ton of redonkulous words and phrases we could def 86 with a capital hashtag, but here is a list of six words and phrases we need to stop using on Cracked…

6 Insane Ways Dogs Can Inadvertently Screw Over Their Owners

angry-dog

They say dogs are man’s best friend, but if your best friend ate poo and sometimes humped your leg, you’d consider getting a new friend, or maybe we just run in different circles. I have nothing against dogs; you could even say I’m a dog person. I like all dogs except the lame ones (looking at you, cocker spaniels). However, I’m not so blind as to not see what’s going on out in the world. For a loyal companion, dogs sure do cause a lot of shit. Check out these six insane stories on Cracked …

5 Romantic Comedy Gestures That Would Get You Slapped

romantic-comedy-say-anthing

Everyone knows how romantic comedies are supposed to go: Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy does something stupid to win girl back and somehow she falls for it — probably because of low self-esteem or the inability to recognize she’s living within rom-com constraints.

Most romantic comedy plotlines are based on the meet-cute. “Oh, we bumped into each other and are soulmates?” “Oh, we both grabbed for the same pair of gloves, then we’ll be idiots and not exchange numbers, but I’ll put my number in a BOOK and MAYBE you’ll find it if it was meant to be?” (I had two guy friends in high school who insisted we watch “Serendipity” multiple times.)

But many of the little cute things in rom-coms would be grounds for arrest, or at least a good slap. Read more on Cracked…

8 Hilariously Misleading Covers Slapped On Classic Books

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The whole “don’t judge a book by its cover” thing came about for good reason: The people who design book covers often don’t even read the books. Who has the time? Now, you wouldn’t think this would be a problem when designing the cover for a classic everyone is familiar with — you don’t have to know how to read to know what, say, The Wizard of Oz or 1984 is about.

So when those classic books fall into the hands of the rare cover artist who somehow has no idea what’s going on, that’s when hilarity ensues. See all 8 covers on Cracked…

The 7 Worst Gifts People Seem To Give Every Christmas

bad-christmas-gift

As we struggle to find that perfect gift, ever so many of us will fail. As a service to everyone you even pretend to care about, I’m offering you this list of what not to buy. Consider it an anti-gift guide. I have no idea what your family likes, but I know what they hate, because no one likes this shit. Read more on Cracked…

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