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5 Ways You Know It’s Time To Get Married

I’ve talked about my often-disastrous relationships in a number of my columns, and every time I do, I get dozens of messages from people asking me to elaborate. Not that I’m an expert — it’s more like how you see a guy come screaming out of the woods covered in bees and you ask him where he found the…

Cracked / March 7, 2012

The 5 Weirdest Reasons We Have Sex (According To Science)

Ever since Darwin popped off his big theory of evolution, we’ve all kind of presumed that everything we do — the way we eat, the mates we choose, the way we purposely mispronounce “indubitably” for laughs, everything — is ultimately tied to one goal: continuing the species. But sometimes getting from A to Baby isn’t…

Cracked / March 3, 2012

7 Tips For Sexting Someone You Barely Know

The courtship process used to be a lot simpler. You used to cruise around in a Firebird and girls would be there, and then there’d be something called heavy petting, and then you were married. The whole process took about three weeks, and could be sped up if the Firebird had been recently washed. The…

Cracked / March 1, 2012

5 Types Of People Who Always Give Terrible Advice

In my life, I’ve received enough bad advice to print out and gift wrap Mount Everest. Everyone is quick to offer it, regardless of whether you asked or not … and with so much coming in, it’s hard to separate genuine wisdom from verbal toilet paper. The problem is that you won’t ever know the…

Cracked / February 9, 2012

14 Realities Of Romantic Relationships In Chart Form

Of all the things you see charted in elementary and middle school — the human tongue, the color spectrum– what to expect from romantic relationships would seem to be a pretty conspicuous omission. We asked you to show us the charts you wish you’d seen before you ever admitted to liking someone as more tha…

Cracked / February 8, 2012

5 Ridiculous Sex Myths Everyone Believes

What do you know about sex? Surely there aren’t many of you who would answer “nothing.” Even if you’re the most inexperienced or inept lover of all time (which we’ve been assured you are), you at least have some preconceived notions about sex based on the stories and anecdotes and stand-up comedy you’ve heard over…

Cracked / February 7, 2012

5 Insignificant Things That Determine Who You Have Sex With

If nothing else, this website is devoted to helping you find a mate … using science. After all, attracting a partner is still a thankless chore full of wearing pants and pretending to care.
Or is it? Turns out there are even more things that get people to consider knowing us in the biblical way,…

Cracked / February 4, 2012

6 Popular Fashion Trends (That Killed People)

If we know our readers, then we’re guessing fashion dominates your every thought. But how far would you go to be wearing the absolute latest and hottest looks? Would you wear something knowing it could, at some point, kill your ass?

Through history men and women have been asked that exact question, and…

Cracked / February 1, 2012

6 Douchebag Luxury Goods Originally Invented To Help People

If, like most of us, you find yourself secretly hating rich people now and then, it’s probably because of the stupid and frivolous shit they buy. Even if you’re not a Marxist, you can’t help but think of the starving children of the world when you see some douchebag professional athlete sitting on his yacht,…

Cracked / January 22, 2012

The 7 Most Baffling Things About Women’s Clothes

There are a lot of annoying things about being a woman, like periods, childbirth and not being able to play basketball in a way that keeps spectators awake. But near the top of the list has got to be buying clothes.
I know one way to fix it is just to be ballsy and wear…

Cracked / January 17, 2012

5 Self-Defense Books For Women (Who Want To Lose A Fight)

Ladies, it is time to chew bubblegum and to kick ass. And we are all out of bubblegum, kick, and ass! These are five self-defense books so bad that by the time you’re done reading them, you’ll be dead.

Cracked / January 15, 2012

The 7 Jerks You Meet In Every Gym

Serving in my capacity as a chair-bound fitness expert, I’m here to shed some light on the gym experience, and in particular, list some of the awful, awful people you’re about to meet on your self-improvement/desalination journey, and how you should deal with them.

Cracked / January 13, 2012

8 Kids Movies That Lied to Us

Production companies have made millions giving children exactly what they want: whether it’s to be an adult, get rich, or meet David Bowie, indulging childhood fantasies is a hallmark of family films.
Imagine the trauma those same children undergo when they’re forced to realize that being an adult sucks, getting rich entails smuggling drugs i…

Cracked / January 10, 2012

The 7 Craziest Things Ever Done To Get Laid

It’s no secret that most great accomplishments in human history made by men were done in the name of impressing the opposite sex. Men would not become astronauts if it did not afford them the opportunity to tell women at parties that they are astronauts.

Yet, some men still find ways to go…

Cracked / January 7, 2012

5 Dating Sites For Terrible People To Find Terrible Love

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to get back into the dating scene, but there’s only one problem: It has been mathematically proven that I’m terrible at it. And I finally understand why: It’s because I’m a terrible person. But that doesn’t mean I’m doomed to be awful alone, because at last, there’s a dating…

Cracked / January 4, 2012

8 Apps Designed Specifically For Modern Douchebags

Most of what we know about ancient cultures is based on their technology. We know what they ate based on the grains that are mashed into their stoneware and what they did for fun based on the absence of video games in their little mud huts. Similarly, we can tell a great deal about modern douchebags by…

Cracked / January 2, 2012

The 6 Worst “Vacations” People Actually Pay For

Want to get away from it all? Need a break from your shitty job? Want to relax for a bit and not be stressed out? Then don’t go on any of these vacations.
#6. Tour the Sewers of Paris, Cost: $3 Per Day
Paris isn’t all poodles and Eiffel Towers, and it goes without saying that there’s more…

Cracked / December 19, 2011

7 Insane Festivals You Won’t Believe Are Legal

Ah, the holidays: A time to give thanks, spend time with family, eat good food, light your neighbors on fire, rub engine oil in grandma’s eyes, get drunk, fight a bull and dress up in a white tuxedo to ward off the furious ghosts of fish. What, that doesn’t sound like your holidays? Well, friend, it sound…

Cracked / December 14, 2011

5 Ridiculous Sex Myths From History (You Probably Believe)

Since the sexual revolution of the ’60s, we tend to think that sexuality from the Baby Boomers back to the beginning of time was a long history of repressed urges, prudish fundamentalist restrictions and brutal rape politics.
But it turns out that a lot of what BBC dramas tell you about sex in history…

Cracked / December 13, 2011

5 Ways Porn Created The Modern World

Looking back at all the progress humanity has made through the last century, it’s perfectly natural to feel a little bit moved by the power of human ingenuity and our thrive for constant improvement. It’s natural, but also totally wrong. Because if you really look into the history of our technological development, you’ll notice that…

Cracked / December 11, 2011

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