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5 News Stories That Are Basically Horror Movie Plots

From time to time, the local news coughs up a story that’s basically the opening 20 minutes of a horror movie — in other words, the portion of the film between the opening credits and the scene where the doomed, 38-year-old high school cheerleader goes skinny-dipping.

Here are five tales from 2013 that are destined to someday be slapped with a screamingly obnoxious “BASED ON TRUE EVENTS” tag line. Read more at Cracked…

5 Ways You Sabotage Your Love Life (Explained By Science)

Over the years, I’ve made a commitment to helping you get laid. And if you followed the advice in those articles, you’re probably having some trouble reading this one because the writhing mass of naked bodies you’re currently tangled up in won’t hold still. So you’ve got the hot, meaningless sex part down, but studies show that young people are still more interested in relationships than hookups, and, despite the sky-high divorce rate, the vast majority of people still want to get married one day.

You’re Looking For A Soul Mate: While your grandmother probably prayed that her future husband would be a caring father or know how to raise a barn or just be a supernatural hump machine (pausing to let that image sink in), these days it seems everyone is hoping to find their “soul mate.” And while it may sound romantic, in reality trying to find your soul mate can lead to The Last Airbender levels of disappointment. Read more on Cracked…

The 5 Greatest Movie Sex Scenes (Where Nobody Has Sex)

People like movies, and people like sex, so it’s not surprising that when there’s a physical attraction between two characters on screen, the odds are high that their genitals will soon be in contact. But sometimes strong sexual tension doesn’t explode into erotic release. The characters don’t give in to that feeling, and instead all that emotion and/or attraction manifests itself in some other physical act. Some distinctly non-sexual contact is made, carrying all the lust, love, or desire of sex. Here are my five favorite movie sex scenes that contain no sex. Read more at Cracked…

6 Reasons Life In Space Sucks (That Sci-Fi Doesn’t Show You)

Obviously, life in outer space would be no vacation — you’re out there braving the final frontier, battling meteors and malfunctioning airlocks, and knowing you’ll die horribly in the abyss of space if some tiny thing goes amiss. But that’s what’s so awesome about it — it’s an adventure, baby! And you’re doing it all in goddamned outer space!

But actually, the hardest part about life on a space station or moon base is a whole bunch of little everyday annoyances that will make your life a living hell, and not in an awesome way. Read more at Cracked…

6 Great Board Games (For Ruining Friendships)

6 Great Board Games (For Ruining Friendships)

I played a lot of board games growing up, because I was an aggressively unathletic kid who appreciated any socially acceptable excuse to play with toys, and games are essentially toys with rules (this is a phase I have yet to grow out of). And competition is an integral part of most games, so a certain amount of skullduggery among friends is to be expected. However, there are some games, regardless of how fun or awesome they may be, that seem to have been designed for the explicit purpose of ruining friendships. The following board games are virtually guaranteed to leave you and your friends feeling so bitter that the rules might as well read “Stuff corpse shit into an electric toaster and leave it cooking in the center of the table while players take turns screaming racism into each other’s open mouths until both slots pop up and scald everyone’s faces with zombie diarrhea.” Read more on Cracked…

5 Celebrities You Didn’t Know Ass-Kicked Their Way To Fame

The next time you see a celebrity walking down the red carpet surrounded by scary-looking guys in black suits, pay attention to those muscleheads: One of them could become a bigger star than the jackass he or she is protecting. After all, it’s happened before with former badass bodyguards-turned-beloved actors. Read more at Cracked… 

6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (You Probably Believe)

You’d think that by now, we as a species would have pretty much figured out sex, what with Hollywood and the Internet constantly pumping us full of messages on the subject — and we all know that if there are two things that can be universally trusted, those two things are Hollywood and the Internet. Read more at Cracked…

4 Most Horrifying Marriages Between Fans And Their Idols

Being a fan is a difficult thing. You’ll find a musician or an actor or (more often than not) an Internet writer whose work you really respond to and suddenly feelings of creative or professional admiration turn into feelings of love and attraction. For some fans, the line between “I really appreciate the art you make” and “I guess I’m probably in love with you” gets blurry, and that can be dangerous if the object of your fandom isn’t all he’s cracked up to be. Or if he’s Elvis. Read more at Cracked…

6 Movie Special Effects That Have Gotten Worse Over Time

Remakes are a tricky business. If you make a bad one, everyone will hate you, and if you make a good one, the fans of the original film will still hate you. I’m not personally against the good ones, because I was under the impression that movies are not real life and thus aren’t going to damage me emotionally with all of their remake sacrilege.

I am against bad filmmaking in general, though. I feel that technological development has given us a lot of chances to improve movies, and when someone squanders it all, we have every right to tell them that they have ruined something. In the case of these six remakes, the filmmakers definitely had the tools to assemble visually inspiring creations. But with great power comes no real responsibility, and these films are examples of what happens when you take years of progress and decide that you’d be better off without them. Read more at Cracked…

5 Unsolved Mysteries Of Everyday Life (That Make No Sense)

There is a vast and terrible alien conspiracy at work. Sinister forces thrum beneath our very feet, toiling away in an effort to erode our human society and replace it with their own. I know this for a fact. I have evidence. Look no further than the unassuming hot dog: Better and worse comedians than I have noted that they come in packs of eight, while buns come in packs of six. This is just the tip of the iceberg. We shall go deeper. If there are not malevolent beings secretly sabotaging our society, then why in the ever-loving fuck … Read more at Cracked…

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