In a previous article, I talked about some of the big questions men ask about women, about relationships and communication and all that boring stuff. But in focusing on the serious man/woman issues of our time, I missed out on other less dramatic, yet equally pressing issues, like why girls go to the bathroom together.
Well, here it is. I hope you’re happy. Keep reading »
Modern advertising constantly straddles the line between creative marketing and straight-up bullshit. But back in the old days, advertising companies got away with winning their bread and butter through straight poker-faced lies.
Romance is a source of mystery for most men. You try to open the door for a woman and she tells you she’s not coming into the men’s room. You spell her name in rose petals and she spells your name on a restraining order. Romance is confusing! Luckily, I remembered something my third fifth grade teacher said to me. Not about romance (he taught me about that with only his eyes and hands), but about learning. He said books! Something about books! Well I tried it. And after reading these books and their 1516 tips on romance, the only thing I know about the subject is that books are idiots. Read more… Keep reading »
Raising a little girl is hard. You have all these decisions to make: schools to choose, what to feed them, how to make sure they don’t grow up half as weird as you did. And of course, at some point you’ll have to tell her about the birds and the bees. But all that sex stuff can wait until later, right?
Well, around age six, if your nearest department store is to be believed. In stores and catalogues for kids you can find items like … Read more… Keep reading »
Oh, sure, you’ve moved before: To a better neighborhood, a bigger house or just to spite that bitch Stacy at work who said she lived in a “very exclusive neighborhood.” It’s not a big deal. You suffer through one s**tty weekend, buy your friends cheap beer and sub-food quality pizza in exchange for manual labor, and you’re done. But the big move — the out-of-state, thousand-mile, cross-country, f**k-all move — is a different story. There are all sorts of traps, pitfalls and dastardly sons of bitches lurking out there, just waiting to pounce on you in your vulnerable state of temporary Hobo-osity. And nobody warns you about them … presumably because Big Moving has had all of their protesting tongues cut out and fed into the secret Misery Engines that really keep those trucks running.
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Any old talk show psychologist can give you the business about date nights and fetish gear to keep the spark alive. That’s Talk Show Psychologist Tips For Romance 101. But it takes a ballsy renegade to have the guts to let you know that saving a relationship might be about imagining the most romantic solutions possible — then doing the opposite. That ballsy renegade is us.
#5. Spend Less Time Together: So it’s been a long week at work, both of you are stressed out and when you do see each other, you end up fighting like rabid monkeys. But now it’s the weekend! You can relax and spend your free time playing tennis (which he loves) and taking pictures of each other with ironic finger mustaches (which she loves). But you have to do these things together because you are a couple, dammit, and you love each other. Read more… Keep reading »
Some articles require a lengthy explanation in order to give the reader a context in which to view them. This is not one of those. What I am doing here is simple: I’m proving, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that romance guru and best-selling author of 1001 Ways to be Romantic, Gregory J.P. Godek is the stupidest, laziest waste of stem cells to ever “write” a book. Every time Godek’s semeny, pizza-covered fingers touch his keyboard, the world’s collective I.Q. drops. Read more… Keep reading »
If you’re like us, you might sometimes have a problem with complex tasks, like trying to drive an ambulance and send a text message at the same time. But hey, at least most of us have figured out the simplest things that get us through the day, right?
Except, you know, some of the simple things we’ve done every day of our lives, like … Keep reading »
In a time when everything from artificial tans to calf implants has become culturally acceptable, for some reason genitals usually get left out of the body-decoration process. The only real option until recently was choosing between carpet or hardwood floors. Not anymore! Now you have exciting options like …
#7 Vajazzling: Originally a high-end spa treatment where a wax job was finished by attaching Swarovski crystals in decorative patterns to the waxed area, vajazzling was introduced to the mainstream by Jennifer Love Hewitt, who is apparently something of a matron saint of this and a huge aficionado herself. Read more… Keep reading »
The courtship process used to be a lot simpler. You used to cruise around in a Firebird and girls would be there, and then there’d be something called heavy petting, and then you were married. The whole process took about three weeks, and could be sped up if the Firebird had been recently washed. The only potentially tricky part was if you had to negotiate a dowry, and that usually wasn’t required unless your bride was Indian or incredibly ugly. Since then, things have gotten far more involved. With our cell phones and our STDs and our Craig’s lists, the courtship process has become incredibly complicated and dangerous, more filled with dangerous loners and viruses and spyware than ever before. Keep reading »
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