Cracked

The 3 Most Excruciating Music Videos Of The Summer

A good music video can make a mediocre song tolerable, but a bad music video of an equally bad song creates an aural singularity of fart-stained terribleness. These are the worst we've seen so far this year -- and 2013 is far from over. Consider the following your State of the Union address for "Thing…
By: Cracked / August 9, 2013

5 Movies That Improved The Book (According To The Author)

Uh-oh. They've made your favorite book into a movie. And, of course, they've changed everything: Bill Spacechek, the courageous Polish protagonist, is now Biff SpaceChest, Aryan super-soldier. That touching scene in the garden is now an exploding cruise ship. Hollywood seems to love books, except for everything inside of them. But sometimes, when the star…
By: Cracked / August 4, 2013

6 Ways Smart Technology Has Made Things Dumber

People are pretty technology-happy these days. We pore over rumors and specs on technology websites, we stand in line to get the newest gadgets, and we beat up people who dare own phones a couple years out of date. New technology isn't just anticipated, it's damn near fetishized. Witness the growing trend of "unboxing," YouTube…
By: Cracked / July 31, 2013

5 Things Men Will Never Understand About Consoling A Woman

One of the weirdest, most awkward parts of a relationship is knowing how to react when the other reaches their limit and shoots a geyser of saline out of their eyeholes. At least it is for men -- I obviously can't speak for women because of all this dong. But it seems to me that…
By: Cracked / July 27, 2013

12 Sexual Positions That Should Be Named After Celebrities

As a writer, I like to think I have my finger on the pulse of the people, and if there's one thing people are tired of these days, it's sex, right? I mean, seriously, YAWN. Your junk goes in their fun spot and you moan and repeat and count to 10 until it's all over.
By: Cracked / July 6, 2013

4 Surefire Ways to Ruin the Mood During Any Sexual Encounter

There are as many ways to have sex as there are people in the world, which of course is incorrect, and I can back that statement up in no way whatsoever. I'd say maybe there are as many ways to have sex as there are Pokemon. That could be reasonable. So there's a lot, but…
By: Cracked / June 23, 2013

6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person

2013, motherfuckers. Yeah! LET'S DO THIS. "Do what?" you ask. I DON'T KNOW. LET'S FIGURE THAT OUT TOGETHER, MOTHERFUCKERS. Feel free to stop reading this if your career is going great, you're thrilled with your life and you're happy with your relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day, friend, this article is not for you. You're…
By: Cracked / June 15, 2013

The 4 Worst Things About Being In Love

What is love? (Baby don't hurt me.) It's pretty likely that everyone is going to experience something akin to love at some point in their life. And maybe the fact that I have to use some awkward, twattish, old-school word like "akin" speaks to the confusing nature of the subject. There's a fine line betwee…
By: Cracked / June 10, 2013

5 Baffling Uses of Sex Toys That Prove Humanity Is Doomed

Ninety percent of all sex toys operate on one immutable principle -- you put them in and around holes and slosh them about all flibbity jibbity. Another 9 percent, generally, are holes in which you put something in, and the last 1 percent is everything else, like paddles, high-voltage panties, and rubber sheets. Despite the…
By: Cracked / May 4, 2013

5 Widely Believed Dating Myths (Science Says Aren’t True)

There are some universally acknowledged truths when it comes to dating. These themes are repeated on sitcoms, in romantic comedies and in your buddy Paul's hookup stories that he totally swears are true, bro. And, according to science, most of it is wrong. That's right; somehow, you know even less about romance than you thought…
By: Cracked / April 28, 2013

The 6 Worst Pieces Of Sex Advice On The Internet

Like me, you've probably seen sex on screen in a movie from behind the room divider Mom thought didn't have any cracks in it. Heh heh, Mom. So naive. Being the sexual expert you therefore are, you never need to Google tips on how to be a better lover, but know this! There are numerou…
By: Cracked / April 21, 2013

8 Filthy Foreign Phrases The English Language Needs

Idioms aren't supposed to make literal sense: Apples and oranges are easy to compare. Kicking the bucket doesn't sound like such a bad thing. What if the bucket deserved it? What if it was racist? And sure, there probably are multiple ways to skin a cat, but how did that become the benchmark for comparing task variety?
By: Cracked / April 9, 2013

The 5 Ways We Define Love (And Why They’re Wrong)

There have been many terrible songs, poems, and movies made about love, but a surprisingly small number of Cracked articles. Today, I intend to fill that void. Come with me as I seek the most accurate definition for this thing that makes the world go 'round. Spoiler alert: "A thing that makes the world go…
By: Cracked / April 6, 2013

5 Life Lessons From A Former Mean Girl

Have you ever woken up with the lingering remnant of a once-forgotten memory? Usually it's a repressed trauma, like an alien abduction or the knowledge that your middle name is Gaylord. In other words, they're memories that require years of therapy to forget again. One day this repressed memory phenomenon happened to me. Only…
By: Cracked / April 3, 2013

The 6 Most Terrifying Sex Illustrations On Wikipedia

In the days before the Internet, teenagers had basically two options to learn the ins and outs of boning. They amounted to either A) scrambled cable softcore, which was like watching two swarms of bees fighting in a motel room made of non-Euclidean geometry, or B) chancing upon a drifter's cache of Juggs secreted away in the…
By: Cracked / March 17, 2013

The 6 Most Terrifying Sex Illustrations On Wikipedia

In the days before the Internet, teenagers had basically two options to learn the ins and outs of boning. They amounted to either A) scrambled cable softcore, which was like watching two swarms of bees fighting in a motel room made of non-Euclidean geometry, or B) chancing upon a drifter's cache of Juggs secreted away…
By: Cracked / March 4, 2013

5 Popular Self-Help Tips That Actually Hurt Your Career

We all want to be successful, but things like tyrannical bosses, stapler-stealing co-workers and the statistical impossibility of every single person being a CEO keep bringing us down. So we try to balance the scales by following the advice of self-help books or motivational guides -- sure, a lot of those things are probably bullshit,…
By: Cracked / February 23, 2013

23 Romantic Movies Revised for Honesty

As we recently discussed, romantic movies are as bad for your brain as just about any type of movie you can watch as a stupid young person. We asked you to show us what they might look like if they actually told the truth. Read more...
By: Cracked / February 17, 2013

The 6 Geekiest Sex Toys Ever

We live in the sexiest time ever. For most of history, condoms were hollowed-out sheep guts, "getting lucky" meant not contracting a plague, and the more insane religions insisted that even masturbation was a sin (despite the fact that jerking off is the literal fucking definition of "enjoying yourself without bothering anyone else"). Any god…
By: Cracked / January 30, 2013

6 Pop Culture Icons Nobody Admits They Were Attracted To

As a child of pop culture, it should come as no little surprise that most of my psyche was formed by various cartoon and film studios and is tragically underequipped to manage real life, even to this day, which is why you can only find me on the Internet, as I tend to shun the…
By: Cracked / January 24, 2013

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