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5 Annoying Things Parents Say To People Who Don’t Have Kids

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As a father of three children, it takes quite a bit of teeth-gritting for me to admit that parents can be the most eye-roll-inducing shitbags on the planet. We don’t mean to be. The problem is that we’ve lived life before kids and we’ve lived life with them, whereas our counterparts have only experienced the former. This makes every kid-related topic that comes out of our mouths sound condescending and patronizing. I don’t think most parents understand that, so on behalf of not-spawn-having people everywhere, allow me to tell parents to shut the fuck up when they consider saying the following. Read more on Cracked…

5 Terrifying Sex Toys That Prove We’re Overthinking Sex

5 Terrifying Sex Toys That Prove We're Overthinking Sex

Disclaimer: I’m no prude. Anyone who knows me will spit out a thousand creative insults about me before landing on “prude,” and even then they’re just probably misspelling something more interesting. Yet sometimes when I sit in front of the fire in my smoking jacket, idly sipping Scotch and browsing through the latest issue of Sexy Sex Sexology on Sexual Sexiness, it occurs to me that we, as a society, are totally over thinking boning. Need proof? These five terrifying sex toys on Cracked.com will set the record straight…

4 Ridiculous Sex Machines On Amazon (With Hilarious Reviews)

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Maybe you didn’t know it, but Amazon.com offers sex machines. More importantly, Amazon offers customer reviews for each one of those sex machines, because even though it may not always feel like it, the Internet runs on altruism. For every Nigerian Prince, every subscription wall, every online convenience fee, there are 10 more people who aren’t asking for any money at all and who just want to help you find the best electrical appliance to hump. I was amazed to see that even in a massive online store, where real names and purchases and recommended products are attached to every profile right out in the light where everyone can see, not even the risk of utter humiliation outweighs the human desire to lend a hand. Read more on Cracked…

7 Of The Worst Choices Ever Made While High

7 Of The Worst Choices Ever Made While High

Someone once told me drugs are bad. I think it was a man dressed like a dog, or a cartoon rabbit or something. I’ve taken that lesson to heart and only do molly after promising this will be the last time. Every time.

While we’ve all heard hilarious tales of bath salts zombies and heroin-addled buggerists, those are lame and predictable and somewhat depressing drug hijinks. Don’t people do hilariously misguided things when they’re high anymore? Aren’t there any stories that could serve as awesome subplots in a carefree ’80s sex comedy? Yes! Read some hysterical stories on Cracked…

4 Scientific Reasons Doing The Wrong Thing Feels So Good

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Just to make sure we get off on the right foot here, I should probably point out that being a dick is bad. I’ve been around the Internet too long to know that some people will read that title, skim the points, and use it as justification for being a throbbing cock shaft. That being said, some stuff that society has labeled “evil” can have surprising upsides if viewed through the right camera lens. Read all four reasons on Cracked…

6 Things Nobody Tells You About Working At Disney World

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Disney World is the happiest place on Earth, at least according to Disney’s copyright lawyers. That description may fit pretty well for kids and a few adults, but working here is a different matter altogether. Don’t get me wrong; it’s still a Magic Kingdom. But Disney’s “magic” is a multifaceted thing, just as liable to make some dude barf on the teacup ride as it is to create precious childhood memories. Find out what you never knew about what goes on inside on Cracked…

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