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5 Insane Lessons From My Christian Fundamentalist Childhood

5 Lessons Learned From Christian Fundamentalist Childhood

My name is Hannah Ettinger, and I was raised in the Quiverfull movement. The term is taken from a verse in Proverbs, which says: “Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of arrows.” We interpreted this to mean: “Blessed is the man who dies with the most kids.”

In the Quiverfull movement, children are pretty much metaphorical weapons born to shoot a degenerate modern society in the face. I was one of nine children, and our family was just on the large end of “normal” in size. I was brought up to be just one more weapon in this terrible faith-based arsenal, but I didn’t quite hit the target. Here’s what I can tell you about being a weaponized offspring. Read more on Cracked…

5 Plot Lines Erotic Novels Desperately Need to Adopt

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Sales of urban fantasy, erotica, and romance books are growing faster than the engorged manhood of a vampire whose lack of blood circulation has mysteriously not left him impotent. Maybe this is because society has become more accepting of sexuality overall. Or maybe it’s just because ebooks have finally fulfilled humanity’s long-held dream of being able to buy selkie erotica without having to awkwardly avoid eye contact with the bookstore clerk. Read more on Cracked…

The 5 Worst Things About Getting A Job In A Small Town

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I live in the perpetually repressed Midwest (feel free to use that as your goth-rockabilly band name) where jobs are as scarce as its citizens’ political debates that don’t use the N-word. The area is basically town, corn, town, corn, corn, corn, town, corn … so unless you’re made of fertilizer, there’s not much available for you to do. So when I hear people using phrases like “just get a job” when talking about the poor, I can’t help but think that they’ve never walked in their half-eroded, knockoff Walmart shoes. It’s hard for a financially secure person to understand why it’s so difficult if they haven’t lived it.

I have. And I can tell you that the hurdles small-town people face come equipped with razor wire and live ammo watchtowers. Read more on Cracked…

5 Truths About Sexual Fetishes (A Dominatrix’s Perspective)

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The stereotype goes that when it comes to sex, men are as simple-minded as dogs. (“Come on, we all know guys are only after one thing!”) Well, as someone with a few years’ experience as a dominatrix and phone sex operator, I’m here to tell you that could not possibly be more wrong. Male desire ranges from the merely kinky to the incredibly bizarre, and men are often so tortured by it that they’re not comfortable talking to anyone about it — not their closest friends, and certainly not their wives. Read more on Cracked…

5 Annoying Things Parents Say To People Who Don’t Have Kids

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As a father of three children, it takes quite a bit of teeth-gritting for me to admit that parents can be the most eye-roll-inducing shitbags on the planet. We don’t mean to be. The problem is that we’ve lived life before kids and we’ve lived life with them, whereas our counterparts have only experienced the former. This makes every kid-related topic that comes out of our mouths sound condescending and patronizing. I don’t think most parents understand that, so on behalf of not-spawn-having people everywhere, allow me to tell parents to shut the fuck up when they consider saying the following. Read more on Cracked…

5 Terrifying Sex Toys That Prove We’re Overthinking Sex

5 Terrifying Sex Toys That Prove We're Overthinking Sex

Disclaimer: I’m no prude. Anyone who knows me will spit out a thousand creative insults about me before landing on “prude,” and even then they’re just probably misspelling something more interesting. Yet sometimes when I sit in front of the fire in my smoking jacket, idly sipping Scotch and browsing through the latest issue of Sexy Sex Sexology on Sexual Sexiness, it occurs to me that we, as a society, are totally over thinking boning. Need proof? These five terrifying sex toys on Cracked.com will set the record straight…

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