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5 Relationship Zones Worse Than ‘The Friend Zone’

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The Internet loves hating on “the friend zone,” because the Internet sees friendship as the highest form of torture. I’m not here to explain that “being in the friend zone” says less about the person who “put” you there than it does about the skewed way you view relationships (although, yes, someone should teach you that at some point). I am here to tell you that you’re focusing so much energy on avoiding the friend zone that you’re missing the REAL threats. Educate yourself on the five other relationship zones of torture…

10 Insane Diets No One Should Ever Try

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It’s a new year, and that means after a month of effort, you’re ready to quit your New Year’s resolutions. Since you’re reading this in English, I assume you resolved to lose weight, or possibly to learn good the spelling for make much big dollars in email schemes of confidence. Either way, I can help you, the same way I helped that Nigerian prince when he needed to lose weight. Check out 10 insane diets to avoid on Cracked…

The 5 Craziest Things That Give People An Orgasm

7 Things To Know About Orgasmic Meditation

Orgasms. I invented them when I was 12. I was alone in the shower, my bar of Irish Spring was looking really good, I was warm, damp, and feeling adventurous. It was magical and only slightly shameful, the way I insist on all my orgasms being to this very day. Later I found out other people had stolen my idea before I could monetize it, but that’s OK. I’m a giver.

Even later in life, I discovered something most unusual, and that was that not everyone orgasms the same way. Some people use Zest! And yet others eschew a soapy left hand thrust deep in a crack altogether and have discovered bizarre new ways of orgasming that not only don’t involve hands, but don’t even involve genitals. Or, well, not exactly. Check out five crazy things that give people orgasms on Cracked…

4 Ways We’re Programmed To Think Women Aren’t Funny

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It can be hard being a lady in comedy, and that’s not a recent phenomenon. Ovaries have long been known to sap our joke-making powers. In 1695, a famous playwright came up with what might well be the first “women aren’t funny” line, only he said it in an old-timey way:

“I must confess, I have never made any observation of what I apprehend to be true humor in women … If ever anything does appear comical or ridiculous in a woman, I think it is little more than an acquired folly or an affectation.”

Read more on Cracked…

5 Facts Everyone Gets Wrong About Depression

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I was diagnosed with clinical depression about two years ago. Sadly, this didn’t lead to me beginning a wacky romance with a free-spirited girl who taught me to embrace life and love myself for who I am. I just started taking prescription drugs, made a few lifestyle changes, and felt smugly justified about listening to Joy Division.

All the time I spent not “Silver Linings Playbook”-ing it up made me realize that a lot of what I thought I knew about depression was about as accurate as what elementary school children know about where babies come from. Read all five ridiculous things often believed about depression on Cracked

5 Tips For Awkward People Looking To Make New Friends

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Meeting new people sucks. Well, at least it does for people like us — people who would rather eat a bar of soap than endure the awkward juggling of social rules and misreading of body language that comes with human contact. Confident, practiced people will tell you it’s as easy as walking up to a stranger and saying hello, but it’s not that simple for us.

Unfortunately, we’re programmed to be social creatures, and biology will eventually nag us until we break and fill the void with whatever poor bastard we trick into being our emotional caulk. The problem is: How? How the hell do you find them, let alone know what to say when you do? Well, there are a few basic things “normal” people know that we don’t. Read all five of them on Cracked…

4 Harsh Conversations You Should Have Before Getting Married

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Everyone seems to have a pretty good idea of what marriage is like right up until the honeymoon anesthesia wears off and they can start to feel life’s groin shots again. Sometimes that takes a few years — sometimes it happens right out of the gates. But it eventually does happen, and how you handle it can drastically alter the direction of your life.

The bad news is that there is no way to avoid these situations. The good news, though, is that you can at least prepare for them to make the blows a little easier to take. If you can summon the balls, you’re going to have an extraordinary advantage over life’s bullshit. Read more on Cracked…

5 Things That Have To Happen Before You Fix Your Crappy Life

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January seems to be the worst time of year for realizing how screwed up your life is. Everyone is talking about resolutions. You’re recovering from all the money you spent on the holidays. Taxes are coming up. It’s the month your parole gets repeatedly denied. It’s the month that says, “Here’s a shitload of enormous problems. Oh, yeah, and here’s a grocery list of crap you need to change about yourself, because the rest of the year you are an overindulgent, self-destructive child.”

Big change — the type you have to make in order to pull yourself out of a turd landslide — is different. It’s scary and requires a hundred times more work than just regular living. Digging yourself out of a hole isn’t about survival … it’s about pulling ahead. In doing that, there are some basics that, in my experience, have to happen. Or at the very least, they make the shoveling a whole lot less brutal. Read more on Cracked…

6 Commonly Used Phrases That Make Everyone Hate You

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We live in an age where everyone can — nay, must — share every thought and comment immediately and constantly. As a result, we, as humans, come up with more terrible things to say every single day. But YOLO, amirite?

Obvi there are totes a shit-ton of redonkulous words and phrases we could def 86 with a capital hashtag, but here is a list of six words and phrases we need to stop using on Cracked…

6 Insane Ways Dogs Can Inadvertently Screw Over Their Owners

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They say dogs are man’s best friend, but if your best friend ate poo and sometimes humped your leg, you’d consider getting a new friend, or maybe we just run in different circles. I have nothing against dogs; you could even say I’m a dog person. I like all dogs except the lame ones (looking at you, cocker spaniels). However, I’m not so blind as to not see what’s going on out in the world. For a loyal companion, dogs sure do cause a lot of shit. Check out these six insane stories on Cracked …

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