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The 5 Most Ridiculous Products Made For Crotch Maintenance

Genitals are perhaps the only thing in the world that everyone loves and most people don't mind sharing with others. That's why they also tend to be fairly well-maintained, be it by rigorous daily training using the ... um, workout material we find on the Internet, or by flat out gluing our junk full of Swarovski crystals. I'm…

By: Cracked / June 5, 2014

5 Details They Cut From My Season Of “The Biggest Loser”

In 2006, "The Biggest Loser" was in its third season. This hit reality show focused on a group of 14 people sent off to live in a complex together, with the goal of losing weight via the fastest possible methods that weren't amputation or amphetamines. However, behind the hasty weight loss, trumped-up drama, and dramatic music,…

By: Cracked / May 14, 2014

6 Insane Sex Myths (That Are Actually True)

When that one kid back in high school told us that he'd heard that you could get pregnant from blow jobs or that the chlorine in hot tubs means you can't catch STDs, we were smart enough to call bullshit. But it turns out that we probably shouldn't have been so quick to laugh and tell him what a…

By: Cracked / May 11, 2014

7 Ways “House Of Cards” Could Be The Best Comedy On TV

A lot of people have been watching the melodramatic political series "House of Cards" on Netflix (which I believe is a remake of the highly acclaimed "How a Bill Becomes a Law" episode of "Schoolhouse Rock"), and many of these viewers are complaining about how silly it is. They're not wrong, but they're failing to see…

By: Cracked / May 10, 2014

4 Rags-To-Riches Success Stories That Are Full Of Crap

Some lies are obvious. If a homeless person approaches you and says that he can predict your future in exchange for a dollar, you'll probably realize that he's not telling the truth (personally, this only took me $4). If your parents raised you to believe that punching a pack of wolves to death is the…

By: Cracked / May 8, 2014

5 Everyday Things That Drive Us Nuts (For No Reason)

We all have pet peeves. We all have rage triggers. For some people, it's loud chewing. For others, it's people who point when they talk. But sometimes, even though our hearts race and our fists clench, we know we're wrong. Or if not wrong, we know we're overreacting. And it just doesn't matter. We can't hel…

By: Cracked / May 4, 2014

5 Insane Lessons From My Christian Fundamentalist Childhood

My name is Hannah Ettinger, and I was raised in the Quiverfull movement. The term is taken from a verse in Proverbs, which says: "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of arrows." We interpreted this to mean: "Blessed is the man who dies with the most kids." In the Quiverfull movement, children are pretty…

By: Cracked / April 30, 2014

5 Plot Lines Erotic Novels Desperately Need to Adopt

Sales of urban fantasy, erotica, and romance books are growing faster than the engorged manhood of a vampire whose lack of blood circulation has mysteriously not left him impotent. Maybe this is because society has become more accepting of sexuality overall. Or maybe it's just because ebooks have finally fulfilled humanity's long-held dream of being able to…

By: Cracked / April 27, 2014

The 5 Worst Things About Getting A Job In A Small Town

I live in the perpetually repressed Midwest (feel free to use that as your goth-rockabilly band name) where jobs are as scarce as its citizens' political debates that don't use the N-word. The area is basically town, corn, town, corn, corn, corn, town, corn ... so unless you're made of fertilizer, there's not much available…

By: Cracked / April 23, 2014

5 Truths About Sexual Fetishes (A Dominatrix’s Perspective)

The stereotype goes that when it comes to sex, men are as simple-minded as dogs. ("Come on, we all know guys are only after one thing!") Well, as someone with a few years' experience as a dominatrix and phone sex operator, I'm here to tell you that could not possibly be more wrong. Male desire…

By: Cracked / April 16, 2014

5 Annoying Things Parents Say To People Who Don’t Have Kids

As a father of three children, it takes quite a bit of teeth-gritting for me to admit that parents can be the most eye-roll-inducing shitbags on the planet. We don't mean to be. The problem is that we've lived life before kids and we've lived life with them, whereas our counterparts have only experienced the…

By: Cracked / April 13, 2014

5 Terrifying Sex Toys That Prove We’re Overthinking Sex

Disclaimer: I'm no prude. Anyone who knows me will spit out a thousand creative insults about me before landing on "prude," and even then they're just probably misspelling something more interesting. Yet sometimes when I sit in front of the fire in my smoking jacket, idly sipping Scotch and browsing through the latest issue of Sexy…

By: Cracked / April 12, 2014

4 Ridiculous Sex Machines On Amazon (With Hilarious Reviews)

Maybe you didn't know it, but Amazon.com offers sex machines. More importantly, Amazon offers customer reviews for each one of those sex machines, because even though it may not always feel like it, the Internet runs on altruism. For every Nigerian Prince, every subscription wall, every online convenience fee, there are 10 more people who…

By: Cracked / April 6, 2014

7 Of The Worst Choices Ever Made While High

Someone once told me drugs are bad. I think it was a man dressed like a dog, or a cartoon rabbit or something. I've taken that lesson to heart and only do molly after promising this will be the last time. Every time. While we've all heard hilarious tales of bath salts zombies and heroin-addled buggerists, those…

By: Cracked / March 31, 2014

4 Scientific Reasons Doing The Wrong Thing Feels So Good

Just to make sure we get off on the right foot here, I should probably point out that being a dick is bad. I've been around the Internet too long to know that some people will read that title, skim the points, and use it as justification for being a throbbing cock shaft. That being…

By: Cracked / March 28, 2014

6 Things Nobody Tells You About Working At Disney World

Disney World is the happiest place on Earth, at least according to Disney's copyright lawyers. That description may fit pretty well for kids and a few adults, but working here is a different matter altogether. Don't get me wrong; it's still a Magic Kingdom. But Disney's "magic" is a multifaceted thing, just as liable to make…

By: Cracked / March 26, 2014

5 Shocking Realities Of Being Transgender The Media Ignores

I bet that, for most of you, nothing would feel weirder than having your dad or brother tell you he's now a woman. And for a certain percentage of people, the reaction to that news would be violent. The reality is that the entire concept of transgender people makes folks very uncomfortable, which means we're simply…

By: Cracked / March 23, 2014

5 Personality Flaws That Seem Impossible To Change

Gillian Anderson aside, we all have imperfections that define us as much as our positive points. The biggest part of growing up is not only recognizing those flaws, but making an effort to fix them. It's not an achievable goal, mind you (how many old, bitter assholes do you know?), but it's the effort that…

By: Cracked / March 12, 2014

5 Awful Side Effects Of Insomnia No One Talks About

I have insomnia -- the "I haven't been able to sleep regularly in 25 years" kind. It's extremely hard to talk about, because most people attach the term to any random night that they had trouble sleeping. "Sorry, I'm kind of loopy today. I had insomnia last night." Mara Wilson can back me up when I say…

By: Cracked / March 11, 2014

5 Useless Pieces Of Advice Everyone Gives To New Parents

Everyone knows that having a newborn baby is a hellish, sleep-deprived ordeal that is quickly forgotten when your baby grows into a "TV newborn" who smiles and laughs and melts your heart every time he does something, also known in the real world as a 3-month-old. Many kind people attempt to offer words of consolation to the…

By: Cracked / March 1, 2014

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