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5 Things To Remember When Your Life Goes To Hell

If there’s an upside to spending most of your life in abject poverty and soul-sucking alcoholism, it’s that you become an expert in shit-handling. Many of you out there can testify that it doesn’t make you panic any less when personal disasters do pop up, but it seems like the more frequently you fall into a sewer, the more skilled you become at battling the turtles that reside within.

But no matter how skilled we get at handling a good old-fashioned clusterfuck, there are still some basic reminders that we could all use when we’re right in the thick of it. Read more at Cracked…

The 3 Most Excruciating Music Videos Of The Summer

A good music video can make a mediocre song tolerable, but a bad music video of an equally bad song creates an aural singularity of fart-stained terribleness. These are the worst we’ve seen so far this year — and 2013 is far from over. Consider the following your State of the Union address for “Things That Will Make Two of Your Five Senses Atrophy,” or perhaps a sonic Cerberus of “Shittiest Song of Summer 2013.” In any case, we’re sorry. Read more at Cracked…

5 Movies That Improved The Book (According To The Author)

Uh-oh. They’ve made your favorite book into a movie. And, of course, they’ve changed everything: Bill Spacechek, the courageous Polish protagonist, is now Biff SpaceChest, Aryan super-soldier. That touching scene in the garden is now an exploding cruise ship.

Hollywood seems to love books, except for everything inside of them. But sometimes, when the stars align and the directors sync up just so … sometimes they get it right. And some other times they get it so right that even the original author has to snap his or her fingers and go “Damn, that is way better than the crap I put down.” Read more at Cracked…

6 Ways Smart Technology Has Made Things Dumber

People are pretty technology-happy these days. We pore over rumors and specs on technology websites, we stand in line to get the newest gadgets, and we beat up people who dare own phones a couple years out of date. New technology isn’t just anticipated, it’s damn near fetishized. Witness the growing trend of “unboxing,” YouTube videos dedicated to providing loving, tender footage of someone delicately taking a new product out of its packaging. Look them up if you want, but maybe make sure there’s no one else in the room when you do it; they’re seriously almost pornographic. Read more at Cracked…

5 Things Men Will Never Understand About Consoling A Woman

5 Things Men Will Never Understand About Consoling A Woman

One of the weirdest, most awkward parts of a relationship is knowing how to react when the other reaches their limit and shoots a geyser of saline out of their eyeholes. At least it is for men — I obviously can’t speak for women because of all this dong. But it seems to me that women are just as baffled at a man’s lack of knowledge on how to react in those moments, as men are when a woman has them.

I can’t fix that. Hell, I don’t know if anyone can … but I can at least explain why we turn into drooling dipshits when we see you crying. Read more on Cracked…

12 Sexual Positions That Should Be Named After Celebrities

12 Sexual Positions That Should Be Named After Celebrities

As a writer, I like to think I have my finger on the pulse of the people, and if there’s one thing people are tired of these days, it’s sex, right? I mean, seriously, YAWN. Your junk goes in their fun spot and you moan and repeat and count to 10 until it’s all over. (At least this is how Adam Tod Brown explained sex to me. I’m not sure. I’ve never kissed a girl.) Anyway, I know the world is tired of sex, but y’know what it can’t get enough of? CELEBRITIES!

That got me thinking. Is there a way to combine sex and celebrities? I mean besides a sex tape. What if, I wondered, I wrote a book laying out all-new sexy, sexy, sex positions and named those positions after a bunch of famous people? I mean, we need some new sex positions. Reverse Cowgirl, 69, Doggy Style … it’s all old school, but we here at Cracked are hip! That’s why I was able to convince Jack O’Brien to personally fund my new book: The Big Book of Celebrity Sex Positions. Read more on Cracked…

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