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6 Ways Smart Technology Has Made Things Dumber

People are pretty technology-happy these days. We pore over rumors and specs on technology websites, we stand in line to get the newest gadgets, and we beat up people who dare own phones a couple years out of date. New technology isn’t just anticipated, it’s damn near fetishized. Witness the growing trend of “unboxing,” YouTube videos dedicated to providing loving, tender footage of someone delicately taking a new product out of its packaging. Look them up if you want, but maybe make sure there’s no one else in the room when you do it; they’re seriously almost pornographic. Read more at Cracked…

5 Things Men Will Never Understand About Consoling A Woman

5 Things Men Will Never Understand About Consoling A Woman

One of the weirdest, most awkward parts of a relationship is knowing how to react when the other reaches their limit and shoots a geyser of saline out of their eyeholes. At least it is for men — I obviously can’t speak for women because of all this dong. But it seems to me that women are just as baffled at a man’s lack of knowledge on how to react in those moments, as men are when a woman has them.

I can’t fix that. Hell, I don’t know if anyone can … but I can at least explain why we turn into drooling dipshits when we see you crying. Read more on Cracked…

12 Sexual Positions That Should Be Named After Celebrities

12 Sexual Positions That Should Be Named After Celebrities

As a writer, I like to think I have my finger on the pulse of the people, and if there’s one thing people are tired of these days, it’s sex, right? I mean, seriously, YAWN. Your junk goes in their fun spot and you moan and repeat and count to 10 until it’s all over. (At least this is how Adam Tod Brown explained sex to me. I’m not sure. I’ve never kissed a girl.) Anyway, I know the world is tired of sex, but y’know what it can’t get enough of? CELEBRITIES!

That got me thinking. Is there a way to combine sex and celebrities? I mean besides a sex tape. What if, I wondered, I wrote a book laying out all-new sexy, sexy, sex positions and named those positions after a bunch of famous people? I mean, we need some new sex positions. Reverse Cowgirl, 69, Doggy Style … it’s all old school, but we here at Cracked are hip! That’s why I was able to convince Jack O’Brien to personally fund my new book: The Big Book of Celebrity Sex Positions. Read more on Cracked…

4 Surefire Ways to Ruin the Mood During Any Sexual Encounter

4 Surefire Ways to Ruin the Mood During Any Sexual Encounter

There are as many ways to have sex as there are people in the world, which of course is incorrect, and I can back that statement up in no way whatsoever. I’d say maybe there are as many ways to have sex as there are Pokemon. That could be reasonable. So there’s a lot, but not like an insane, unbelievable amount. That said, for all the ways there are to have sex, there’s an equal number of ways to ruin that sex, intentionally or otherwise; blunders that just make the whole situation a wash. Rarely do you ever legitimately want to give up on sex when it starts, but sometimes you must.

I wrote not too long ago about awkward situations that make you feel like a dick, and backtracking sex was the first entry, but clearly the entire subject deserves more depth, as some people went so far as to disagree with me that it was even a thing that ever needs to happen. Let me assure you it’s certainly a thing that needs to happen, and for more reasons than the hygiene and/or insanity examples I used in that article.

1. Dirty Talk Mishap. According to a survey conducted by a sex toy manufacturer, 80 percent of people enjoy the use of dirty talk during sex. Of course, that’s 80 percent of people who do surveys conducted by sex toy manufacturers, so we have to assume that, in the population at large, the number is somewhat lower. Read more on Cracked…

6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person

2013, motherfuckers. Yeah! LET’S DO THIS.

“Do what?” you ask. I DON’T KNOW. LET’S FIGURE THAT OUT TOGETHER, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Feel free to stop reading this if your career is going great, you’re thrilled with your life and you’re happy with your relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day, friend, this article is not for you. You’re doing a great job, we’re all proud of you. So you don’t feel like you wasted your click, here’s a picture of Lenny Kravitz wearing a gigantic scarf.

For the rest of you, I want you to try something: Name five impressive things about yourself. Write them down or just shout them out loud to the room. But here’s the catch — you’re not allowed to list anything you are (i.e., I’m a nice guy, I’m honest), but instead can only list things that you do (i.e., I just won a national chess tournament, I make the best chili in Massachusetts). If you found that difficult, well, this is for you, and you are going to fucking hate hearing it. My only defense is that this is what I wish somebody had said to me around 1995 or so. Read more…

The 4 Worst Things About Being In Love

Online dating keyboard

What is love? (Baby don’t hurt me.) It’s pretty likely that everyone is going to experience something akin to love at some point in their life. And maybe the fact that I have to use some awkward, twattish, old-school word like “akin” speaks to the confusing nature of the subject. There’s a fine line between love and infatuation, or lust, or a half chub you get whilst daydreaming about Scarlett Johansson. And for all the poems and novels and movies and songs on the subject, there’s a surprising lack of information on what to do with the damn emotion once you have it, short of tweeting to a celebrity about how you want them to murder your vagina (or mangina, depending on context), or how to deal with it when things go wonky on you. So why not give that a spin? Read more on Cracked…

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