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The 7 Hardest People To Buy Holiday Gifts For

With the end of the Thanksgiving weekend, we enter that long, grim death march known as the holiday season. It’s a time marked by cold weather, wet feet and societal pressure to buy thoughtful gifts for your family or, depending on your circumstances, the group of circus oddities who have become like a family to you.

We here at Cracked want to help, or more accurately, to pretend to help while we make cheap jokes at your expense. To do this, we’ve enlisted the aid of thousands of spies to track our readership and identify the most problematic people they’ll have to shop for this holiday season. Then, using the personal shopping abilities granted to us by a powerful alien ring, we compiled the following Gift Guide. Read more…

 

6 Terrifying Things Nobody Tells You About Donating Sperm

To a young guy with not much money, sperm donation seems too good to be true. It pays well (as we’ve pointed out before) and requires you to do nothing more than what you’d be doing anyway. And if you happen to help a childless couple along the way, that’s just icing on the cake.

Having actually been a sperm donor, I can say that you had better be prepared for a long haul. There are a lot of (horrifying) hoops to jump through, and then sperm banks expect you to masturbate like … well, like it’s your job.

And it’s not an easy one. Read more…

14 “Luxury” Sex Toys For The Extremely Rich And Creepy

Whether you’re in the 99 percent or the 1 percent, sex is the one thing that unifies us all. It’s not like the richest people on earth can upgrade to platinum genitals that fire aphrodisiac darts, right? Right?

Well, no they can’t. But it turns out that rich people have access to all sorts of insane sex toys that the rest of us had no idea even existed. So the next time you see a celebrity or political sex scandal in the news, there’s a chance they might have been using … Read more…

4 Pieces Of Relationship Advice Movies Need To Stop Giving

If you’re anything like me, you had two parents: The Streets, and Pop Culture. When it comes to The Streets, I cannot give a higher recommendation, every kid should be so lucky to spend a few years in the school of hard knocks and so forth. As far as Pop Culture goes, however, there are a lot of irresponsible lessons being thrown around, especially when it comes to romance and dating. Lessons like … Keep reading »

The 50 Creepiest Pieces Of Romance Advice Ever Published

Sorry, single people, this week’s column is for lovers only. Now that those lonely people are gone, hold that lover close and enjoy 50 highlights from three romantic books that offer tips for every day of the year: 365 Ways to KISS Your Love365 Great Ways to Say I Love You, and 365 Ways to be Romantic by everyone’s favorite human dispenser of castration chemicals — Godek. Warning: romance books are not good. Your reproductive systems are about to crawl out and run straight away from this page. Keep reading »

11 Useful Products Too Embarrassing To Actually Use

Imagine a car that runs on tap water and never breaks down or needs replacement parts — would you drive it? We forgot to mention that it’s shaped like a giant clown penis.

Humans are funny creatures — we tend to shun any product, no matter how useful, if it makes us look ridiculous. That’s why virtually none of you own … Keep reading »

4 Reasons Zooey Deschanel Can Stop Pretending She’s A Dork

Don't Call Her "Adorable"
Zooey doesn't like it, dammit. Read More »
Rebel Zooey
A teenager Zooey once wrote a feminist letter to Vogue. Read More »

If you’re anything like me, you track rising movie starlets through a patented system of chicken bone voodoo and Precog upkeep. It’s a good system but sometimes people fall through the cracks. Like when the lil’ water baldies began rolling out the name ‘Zooey’ over and over again, I had to consult other sources to get a reading of what was up. Turns out there’s this girl that everyone is love with. This is her (above). Keep reading »

The 7 Types Of Friend Everyone Needs

Just like a superhero team or jewel thief gang needs each member to specialize in a different skill set, a good circle of friends also needs a wide range of useful skills. While a superhero team might need a guy who is superstrong and a guy who has a lot of gadgets, your friend team might consist of a guy who can get you discounts at the Best Buy and a guy who’s totally cool with feeding your cats when you’re out.

When I suggest assembling such a team, I’m not suggesting you go around preying on emotionally vulnerable people who can do useful things for you and pretend to be their friend. I’m just saying that if you happen to run into some cool people you enjoy hanging out with, who also own a pickup truck, don’t take them for granted.

Sure, you can have friends that are just fun people, or that you are fond of for no logical reason, but that doesn’t mean you don’t also want to have friends such as … Read more… Keep reading »

The 5 Most Accidentally Famous Movie Stars

At the black-tie dinner party of the highest paid professionals in the world, the doctors, the lawyers, the architects and the athletes all earned their seats. They found success after years of training and discipline, even sacrificing love and friendships for the sake of a career. But somehow the actor always ends up at the party too, wearing flip-flops and a knit cap, practicing a British accent while trying to instigate a massage train. Keep reading »

The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes Implied By “Harry Potter”

The Harry Potter series has sold billions of dollars worth of books, movie tickets and DVDs because it’s one of those rare series that children can enjoy but won’t make adults want to gouge out their eyes.

Author J.K. Rowling had a way of throwing a bone to the grown-ups here and there by slipping in sly little adult references along the way. It’s usually done in subtext (like the elderly wizard Dumbledore’s homosexual relationship with the male wizard Grindelwald), but sometimes it’s right there in the open for anyone perceptive enough to get it.

And sometimes, that s**t gets nasty. Read more… Keep reading »

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