Serving in my capacity as a chair-bound fitness expert, I’m here to shed some light on the gym experience, and in particular, list some of the awful, awful people you’re about to meet on your self-improvement/desalination journey, and how you should deal with them. Keep reading »
Production companies have made millions giving children exactly what they want: whether it’s to be an adult, get rich, or meet David Bowie, indulging childhood fantasies is a hallmark of family films.
Imagine the trauma those same children undergo when they’re forced to realize that being an adult sucks, getting rich entails smuggling drugs in your ass, and meeting David Bowie entails smuggling drugs in your ass. Well, as children scarred by the false expectations set up in films, we say no more! Below, eight movies that are begging to be unmasked for the dangerously optimistic propaganda they really are. Read more…
It’s no secret that most great accomplishments in human history made by men were done in the name of impressing the opposite sex. Men would not become astronauts if it did not afford them the opportunity to tell women at parties that they are astronauts.
Yet, some men still find ways to go above and beyond — risking life, limb and country in the name of boobies.
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One of my New Year’s resolutions was to get back into the dating scene, but there’s only one problem: It has been mathematically proven that I’m terrible at it. And I finally understand why: It’s because I’m a terrible person. But that doesn’t mean I’m doomed to be awful alone, because at last, there’s a dating website for bad people to find horrible love: It’s called all of them. Every single dating website out there is absolutely filled to the brim with my kind of people: People who are not sorry, ever, about anything; people who are tired of consequences and so choose to abstain from them; people who are halfway convinced that the rest of humanity is a holographic simulation projected for their amusement. If I can’t find love slapping around somewhere in one of these virtual cesspools, well, then it’s probably everyone’s fault but mine, just like literally everything else. Read more…
Most of what we know about ancient cultures is based on their technology. We know what they ate based on the grains that are mashed into their stoneware and what they did for fun based on the absence of video games in their little mud huts. Similarly, we can tell a great deal about modern douchebags by the apps that they’re apparently spending money on. These are apps that could only be used by a very specific type of person. If you’re a regular person, your regular-person shield (otherwise known as common human decency) will repel you from apps like … Keep reading »
Want to get away from it all? Need a break from your shitty job? Want to relax for a bit and not be stressed out? Then don’t go on any of these vacations.
#6. Tour the Sewers of Paris, Cost: $3 Per Day
Paris isn’t all poodles and Eiffel Towers, and it goes without saying that there’s more to see than the Louvre and the Arc de Triomphe. In fact, after taking a dump in one of the city’s fine restrooms, you may find yourself saying, “Man, I wish I could see the part of Paris where my shit goes.” You’re in luck, you sick bastard, because you can actually pay to take a tour of the Paris Sewer System. Read more…
Ah, the holidays: A time to give thanks, spend time with family, eat good food, light your neighbors on fire, rub engine oil in grandma’s eyes, get drunk, fight a bull and dress up in a white tuxedo to ward off the furious ghosts of fish. What, that doesn’t sound like your holidays? Well, friend, it sounds like you’ve been celebrating the wrong ones. Let’s get that calendar of yours set straight.
#7. Batalla de la Rata Muerta: In the annual Fiesta de San Pedro Nolasco, instead of a pinata they have something called a “cucana.” It’s a very similar concept, except that with the cucana, the chances of candy are only 50-50. The other 50 is a dead rat. Which is then retrieved from the ground and used as a projectile because fuck-you-I-didn’t- get-candy. Read more…
Since the sexual revolution of the ’60s, we tend to think that sexuality from the Baby Boomers back to the beginning of time was a long history of repressed urges, prudish fundamentalist restrictions and brutal rape politics.
But it turns out that a lot of what BBC dramas tell you about sex in history is just a fanciful cover for sex lives that didn’t differ that much from our own. Myths that persist to this day include … Keep reading »
Looking back at all the progress humanity has made through the last century, it’s perfectly natural to feel a little bit moved by the power of human ingenuity and our thrive for constant improvement. It’s natural, but also totally wrong. Because if you really look into the history of our technological development, you’ll notice that the force driving us forward all this time wasn’t our need to better ourselves or seek out truth in all its forms, but rather our desire to see naked people touch each other’s junk. Keep reading »
Do you want a hot body like your favorite Hollywood star? Would you settle for second favorite? Third? Look, how about you tell me where LaToya Jackson ranks in your top 10 and we’ll go from there. The aerobics VHS tape is apparently some trial that every celebrity must go through, and after years of research and $1.96, I’ve tracked down the four worst. Keep reading »