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5 Ways You Know It’s Time To Get Married

I’ve talked about my often-disastrous relationships in a number of my columns, and every time I do, I get dozens of messages from people asking me to elaborate. Not that I’m an expert — it’s more like how you see a guy come screaming out of the woods covered in bees and you ask him where he found the hive, so you can avoid it.

So, the most common question I get (besides “Will you please stop sending me pictures of your penis?”) is “How do I know if this is the one?” which I think is a stealth way of asking me, “How can I avoid the hellish divorce that haunts your memories?”

Well, if you want to avoid the bees, I say you should always keep in mind … Keep reading »

The 5 Weirdest Reasons We Have Sex (According To Science)

Ever since Darwin popped off his big theory of evolution, we’ve all kind of presumed that everything we do — the way we eat, the mates we choose, the way we purposely mispronounce “indubitably” for laughs, everything — is ultimately tied to one goal: continuing the species. But sometimes getting from A to Baby isn’t as intuitive as you’d think. And scientists have had a hell of a time figuring out why.

Now, we’re not saying that these theories behind our sexual behaviors are the gospel truth or that there aren’t other, conflicting theories out there. But if they are true, sex is even weirder than we thought. Read more

7 Tips For Sexting Someone You Barely Know

The courtship process used to be a lot simpler. You used to cruise around in a Firebird and girls would be there, and then there’d be something called heavy petting, and then you were married. The whole process took about three weeks, and could be sped up if the Firebird had been recently washed. The only potentially tricky part was if you had to negotiate a dowry, and that usually wasn’t required unless your bride was Indian or incredibly ugly. Since then, things have gotten far more involved. With our cell phones and our STDs and our Craig’s lists, the courtship process has become incredibly complicated and dangerous, more filled with dangerous loners and viruses and spyware than ever before. Read more…

5 Types Of People Who Always Give Terrible Advice

In my life, I’ve received enough bad advice to print out and gift wrap Mount Everest. Everyone is quick to offer it, regardless of whether you asked or not … and with so much coming in, it’s hard to separate genuine wisdom from verbal toilet paper. The problem is that you won’t ever know the answer to that until your problem is over, when you can say, “OK, Chad was right. Punching a bull in the nuts isn’t a good idea.” Or, “Greg is full of shit. Punching them more only made him angrier.”

I’ve, admittedly, never been an authority on advice, but what I can do is warn you who to be wary of. Read more…

14 Realities Of Romantic Relationships In Chart Form

Of all the things you see charted in elementary and middle school — the human tongue, the color spectrum– what to expect from romantic relationships would seem to be a pretty conspicuous omission. We asked you to show us the charts you wish you’d seen before you ever admitted to liking someone as more than a friend. Read more…

5 Ridiculous Sex Myths Everyone Believes

What do you know about sex? Surely there aren’t many of you who would answer “nothing.” Even if you’re the most inexperienced or inept lover of all time (which we’ve been assured you are), you at least have some preconceived notions about sex based on the stories and anecdotes and stand-up comedy you’ve heard over the years.

But here’s the thing — even with all of that going for you, the real and correct answer is still probably “nothing.” Read more

5 Insignificant Things That Determine Who You Have Sex With

If nothing else, this website is devoted to helping you find a mate … using science. After all, attracting a partner is still a thankless chore full of wearing pants and pretending to care.

Or is it? Turns out there are even more things that get people to consider knowing us in the biblical way, and they’re so subtle and random that pants-wearing just seems stupid now. Things like … Read more

6 Popular Fashion Trends (That Killed People)

If we know our readers, then we’re guessing fashion dominates your every thought. But how far would you go to be wearing the absolute latest and hottest looks? Would you wear something knowing it could, at some point, kill your ass?

Through history men and women have been asked that exact question, and time and time again they shrugged and said, “Eh, I’ll risk it.” So we wound up with things like… Keep reading »

6 Douchebag Luxury Goods Originally Invented To Help People

If, like most of us, you find yourself secretly hating rich people now and then, it’s probably because of the stupid and frivolous shit they buy. Even if you’re not a Marxist, you can’t help but think of the starving children of the world when you see some douchebag professional athlete sitting on his yacht, his trophy wife on the phone scheduling yet another cosmetic surgery. A whole segment of our economy is dedicated to making ridiculous shit for these shallow douchebags.

But a whole lot of lives have been saved by that ridiculous shit. For instance … Keep reading »

The 7 Most Baffling Things About Women’s Clothes

There are a lot of annoying things about being a woman, like periods, childbirth and not being able to play basketball in a way that keeps spectators awake. But near the top of the list has got to be buying clothes.

I know one way to fix it is just to be ballsy and wear men’s clothes, and that’s a bold choice. But you take a social hit for wearing “masculine” clothes, and most women don’t want to take that hit. So they go to buy clothes made specifically “for women,” and generally find a set of the most impractical, low-quality, high-maintenance crap that a sweatshop can make.

Here are a few of the many, many awful things about the clothes that manufacturers want women to wear. Read more…

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