Birth: one of the most private, personal and intimate moments of a woman’s life. And for good reason — most usually end with a baby being pushed out of a vagina, and that’s pretty damn intimate. Yet at the same time, how one births has been long debated, challenged, and talked about in public, with everyone chipping in their two cents. Announce that you’re pregnant and you’ll quickly find out what everyone thinks you should do.
Over 4 million babies being born in the United States every year. As a country, we also have some of the most expensive maternity care in the world, despite not having the best quality of care. All of that combined can lead to many schools of thought when it comes to how to birth them babies. Me? I feel that every person should have access to the basic information surrounding pregnancy and birth to learn all the ins and outs and make an informed decision that works best for them and their situation. Ideally, everyone would have a provider that would work with them throughout their pregnancy and would act as a resource as well as a sounding board. And yet, for the most part, many moms-to-be simply don’t have access to that type of care. Most expecting patients will see their provider for an average of two hours over the course of their ENTIRE PREGNANCY. Let me repeat that: a cumulative of two hours of one-on-one time over the course of 10 months. It’s no wonder why pregnancy and birth can easily become overwhelming and full of uncertainties. Keep reading »
Stay at home vs. working moms: it’s a debate that may well have sparked the heated flames of the “mommy wars.” There haven’t been a shortage of opinions on this topic, and despite being rehashed to death, more keep coming. The latest voice to enter into the fray is Allison Klein, a former reporter turned stay-at-home mom who recently offered up an op-ed for The Washington Post. Klein writes:
“You see, I love being home with my girls, now 4 and 5. I’m just not such a fan of telling people that’s what I do. This is new for me. [...] This is D.C., where nothing about you is more important than your job, or at least that’s what people always say. And being a full-time mom doesn’t exactly up my Q score. These conversations are fraught because I want people to know I’m not giving up my identity as a strong, smart woman. Cue the eye roll.”
Mother judgment — it’s there regardless of what you choose. And, when we fight each other, nobody wins, because infighting only clouds the more important issue: the narrow way we frame this stay-at-home vs. working mother discussion. I wish there could be a huge disclaimer on these types of articles reminding readers that not every mother is in a position to actually make this choice. There are families that need two working parents in order to ensure that housing and food costs are met. There needs to be a greater understanding of the inherent privilege involved in even having this “debate” in the first place. Keep reading »
One of the awesome things about having a new book out [The Good Mother Myth: Redefining Motherhood to Fit Reality] is that sometimes people actually want to talk to you about it! I’ve been having a blast the past couple of months traveling across the country doing bookstore readings and signings. Each place I visit, there’s always a handful of folks who come up and want to talk all things motherhood.
In New York City, many of the people in the audience wanted to touch on how the media portrays women — particularly those who are mothers — versus men. In Portland, Oregon, I heard from women who were increasingly frustrated by the work/home divide and the tired notion of “having it all.” Chicago found me chatting with young college students who had come to the book reading as part of a class field trip. We talked about their relationships with their own mothers and the concerns they had about becoming mothers themselves.
And then, there was book club. Last week, I was invited to join in for a local book club that had read my book for the month of February. I was pretty excited. I arrived at the host’s house, eager to hear what everyone thought of the book. After some snacking, drinking and a bunch of chit-chatting, they started to dig into the book. They had some questions for me, ranging from how I got the idea to create the book, to whether or not I used a pen name. (Let’s just say that if I had chosen a pen name, I probably would have gone with one that gets pronounced and written correctly at least 50 percent of the time …)
I also got to hear reactions to specific essays in the book, which is always nice. One that stuck out to the women in this group in particular was Liz Henry’s “The Macaroni and Cheese Dilemma.” Liz’s essay talks about choosing to have an abortion, and why that choice was the best for her family. Keep reading »
I can still remember some of the quieter moments of my pregnancy: laying on the couch, my fingers trailing over my ever-expanding belly, wondering about the baby inside and if everything would be okay. During our first ultrasound appointment around 20 weeks, the tech had been concerned about the size of the baby’s kidneys and some fluid that surrounded them. He pointed it out to me on the screen, and later on the printed pictures we were given to take home. To me, the blurry image looked no more like a baby than a Rorschach inkblot test, but I so desperately tried to see what the tech saw. In the weeks that followed my anxiety shot through the roof. Was this a random anomaly? Was it something I did? Was it something I could have prevented? Keep reading »
Growing up, I thought the perfect host was a combination of Betty Crocker and Donna Reed: perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect food, and perfect personality all coming together to ensure her guests are well taken care of.
However, Steve Martin, a Republican State Senator from Virginia, has a different take on the what it means to be a good host. He recently received a Valentine’s Day Card from the Virginia Pro-Choice Coalition asking the state Senator to protect women’s reproductive health options — everything from raising healthy children to having access to safe, legal abortion. Martin took it upon himself to reply publicly via his Facebook page. His response originally included the following:
“…I don’t expect to be in the room or will I do anything to prevent you from obtaining a contraceptive. However, once a child does exist in your womb, I’m not going to assume a right to kill it just because the child’s host (some refer to them as mothers) doesn’t want it to remain alive.” Keep reading »
Within our group of friends, my husband and I were the first to get pregnant and have a kid. More than seven years later, I can now look back and see how much my friendships, particularly with my child-free friends, changed. I may not have realized it at the time, but in retrospect we experienced a few growing pains, so to speak.
When there’s any big life change — whether it’s marriage, a big move, or switch in jobs — friendships can be impacted. But there’s something about having kids that adds a little extra something to the equation. Sometimes it can be good, other times not so much. But what I’ve found to be true — both for myself and from talking to friends — is that most friendships post-baby tend to follow the same sort of pattern: Keep reading »