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#OnlineDatingFail: Your First Message Shouldn’t Be About Panties

Online Dating Fail

The online dating scene is rough. Sure, it’s a great way to meet people, but we use the term “people” loosely, as some of the individuals we’ve come in contact with still seem to be in their primitive forms. Obviously, first impressions count … but not to these idiots. 

Sender: 34, Male

Receiver: 26, Female

Site: OKCupid

Tip: Asking someone what kind of panties they’re wearing is not an appropriate greeting, unless you are messaging a hooker. Keep reading »

A Picture Story: My Leftover Lingerie

I have this weird thing about lingerie. As soon as I decide to wear something sexy for a guy I’m seeing, I find myself both mentally unwilling and physically unable to re-wear that schoolgirl uniform, teddy, or what have you, for anyone else. For starters, I feel like it’s a form of sloppy seconds, a regifting that may or may not involve someone else’s leftover bodily fluids. I also feel like each piece of lingerie holds special memories with the lucky guy who got to see it, and I don’t need those thoughts rushing back when I’m about to get it on with someone else.

With that said, I’ve accumulated quite a collection of lingerie over the years— some totally sexy, and others frumpy as hell— that each have their own unique story. With the exception of some crotchless panties, dominatrix outfits and pasties that didn’t have very thrilling back stories, here are some pictures and tales of my intimates… Keep reading »

On Woody Allen, My Father & Darkness

(Trigger Warning: Discussion of incest and childhood sexual abuse.)

The greatest gift my father gave me was a passion for art. As a pianist and composer with a Master’s degree in Musicology, he infused our home with creativity throughout my childhood. He encouraged me to find my own outlet; instead of sports teams and debate club, my extracurricular activities included violin lessons, piano lessons, drawing classes, painting classes, dance classes, theater camp, and color guard practice. You name it, I tried it.

The day we discovered my true passion was the day my father brought home a video camera. As I started to experiment with filmmaking as a medium of expression, he shared with me his advice about being an artist:  “Never compromise your artistic vision for mainstream success.” “Art should never be restricted to those who can afford museum admission or concert tickets – create art that can be accessible to the public.” “Look for the art around you in every day life and draw inspiration from it.” “Let art drive everything else in your life.”

My memory of my childhood is hazy, so I can’t remember if our talks about art started before or after my father molested me. It happened so casually, so blatantly, that I assumed it was normal, loving behavior. Given the way he would constantly praise my appearance, talk openly and explicitly about sex, and encourage me to feel comfortable walking around naked in front of him, I did not realize that what happened to me was abuse until I was an adult. Today, we no longer have a relationship. I have nightmares about hearing his voice when I pick up the phone. Looking at photographs of him makes my stomach churn. But as I write this, I am listening to one of his recordings over and over again, straining to hear the words I know he will never say. Keep reading »

We Test It: The OhMiBod Lovelife Adventure Triple Stimulation Vibrator Is Perfect For Foreplay

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, my pals at GoodVibrations delivered something ten times better than a bouquet of flowers or box of chocolates: the OhMiBod Lovelife Adventure Triple Stimulation Vibrator. YES to sex toys.

I must admit, at first glance, I was slightly intimidated by the vibe’s unusual, sword-like appearance, which features one main vibrating shaft and two smaller vibrators on either side for simultaneous clitoral and anal stimulation (but not anal penetration)…and then I got over that and needed to give her a test drive, like, immediately. Keep reading »

Life After Dating: The Death Of Discussing My Sex Life

Life After Dating: The Death Of Discussing My Sex Life

So you’ve finally found The One (or at least The One For The Foreseeable Future) and you’ve committed to a serious relationship. Now what? In our new weekly column, Life After Dating, we’ll discuss the unique joys and challenges of coupledom.

When I was single, I spent a lot of time talking about my sexual exploits with friends: his penis-to-ball ratio, how chipper of a mood he was in the morning after, whether or not I wanted to “hit that again.” It was one of the fun — well, maybe more necessary than fun — parts of being single. When I had flings or dating stints, all that was left when the dude was out of my life were the war stories. There was a soothing pleasure in finding a way to make my friends (and myself) laugh about how he did little more than jackhammer my vagina to death with his huge penis and in the morning, ask me to turn my shower on for him because it was “too hard to figure out.” I was the circus clown making singledom palatable for the crowd. Honestly, when I was single, if I didn’t find humor in my sex life, I would have been a very sad clown. Keep reading »

Girl Talk: The Truth About Blowjobs

Girl Talk: The Truth About Blowjobs

When it comes to giving oral sex, or as one of my friends calls it, sucky sucky, women seem to fall into two camps: LOVE IT or HATE IT. When gossiping about sex, I feel this overwhelming pressure to declare that I go hog wild for head or loathe it so much that I’ve taken it off the sexual menu with the exception of special occasions, like birthdays. (I’ve never understood that, by the way. Why would you give the gift of something you supposedly hate?) On the subject of blowjobs, there is a subtle urging to take sides. “Too much work!”  or “Yummy! Cock!” As I sit there, feeling terribly neutral about the act, I can’t help but suspect that women have been conditioned to have strong, polarized feelings about giving head — or at least to play up their feelings for effect. Keep reading »

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