Andrea Grimes

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Hitched: Bridesmaids, What Are They Good For?

Minutes before I walked down the aisle, one of my persons-of-distinction, Trenton, pulled a bunch of multi-colored plastic Tiki goblets from a sack, busted open a bottle of cheap champagne from a cooler, and measured out five healthy pours for the five of us in the little dressing room. Most of my pre-wedding moments are…

By: Andrea Grimes / October 10, 2012

Hitched: Reliving The Bachelorette Life

I made sure to get the thin crust pizza, because I knew that once it was just me and a couch and Liam Neeson rescuing some people from some horrible shit and/or wolves, I was going to eat all that pizza, and I did not want the bread bloat. I was treating myself. I wa…

By: Andrea Grimes / October 3, 2012

Hitched: Why My Husband Is Getting A Vasectomy

I’ve been walking around with a sketch of a uterus and cervix in my reporter’s notebook for several weeks now, courtesy of my gynecologist. She drew it while explaining to me how an IUD works. I keep it around both because I like it as a conversation piece and because when you write about ladypart…

By: Andrea Grimes / September 26, 2012

Hitched: You’re Engaged! Now What?

Last Friday night, Patrick and I took a break from drinking beers and talking smack about Mitt Romney to befriend two couples who happened by our neighborhood bar. They needed a place to sit; we offered to share our table. And as many newly engaged couples are, all four of them were a little bit…

By: Andrea Grimes / September 19, 2012

Hitched: Getting Through The Rough Patches

I woke up last Sunday morning — well, I don’t know that I was truly awake, but at least I wasn’t in bed any more — and stumbled to the kitchen for a giant glass of water with which to defuzz my thoroughly whiskey-fied mouth. In my hangover haze, I glanced across the living room…

By: Andrea Grimes / September 11, 2012

Hitched: Who Does The Most Housework In A Marriage?

And lo, the Lord did create the men and women who populated the earth. The manifold men did go to the office and get good jobs in middle management and take the trash out on Thursdays while lady helpmates did joyously stay home and wear aprons and make dinner and vacuum and mop and scru…

By: Andrea Grimes / September 5, 2012

Hitched: Shit White, Middle-Class Married People Do

Now that the summer wedding season is winding down, it’s time to shift the focus from the Big Day to the Big Rest Of Your Damned Lives. I’ve only been married for 129 days now, but my husband Patrick and I are starting to get a pretty good bead on how this thing works. First…

By: Andrea Grimes / August 29, 2012

Hitched: We’re Married, But Our Bank Accounts Aren’t

One of the things I’ve learned, over my many years of roadtripping in and across Texas, is that hell is being stuck going 50 miles per hour behind a recreational vehicle. But recently, I’ve come to wonder if heaven might be being behind the wheel of one. I don’t generally dream about buying big-ticket thing…

By: Andrea Grimes / August 21, 2012

Hitched: Jennifer Aniston Will Not Die Pathetic And Alone After All

The world’s saddest person has finally crawled out from under the sad bajillions of dollars she’s made over the years, clawed her way through the sad memories of the last decade of middlingly famous, questionably talented dudes who’ve rejected her and her sad self and at last trapped a man into filling the hole i…

By: Andrea Grimes / August 15, 2012

Hitched: Let Them Eat Gay Cake!

Last week, an interracial couple showed up for their wedding cake tasting at a small, family owned bakery in Colorado. But when the shop owner caught sight of the together-for-two-years pair, he turned them away because he doesn’t believe interracial couples should get married. In a statement to the local television station, Jack Phillips, the…

By: Andrea Grimes / August 8, 2012

Hitched: On Love, Politics & Bigotry

The Democratic Party is set to officially incorporate a pro-gay marriage stance into its 2012 convention platform after a 15-member draft committee approved the new pro-marriage equality language over the weekend. Much like the reaction to President Barack Obama’s recent (supposedly) conversion to pro-gay marriageness, reasonable people are saying: Hooray! And also duh. And also about

By: Andrea Grimes / August 1, 2012

Hitched: Should Cheaters ‘Fess Up Or Take It To The Grave?

You know how the worst kind of parent will be all, “Oh, you couldn’t possibly understand what it means to truly love another human being until you have a child of your own?” And you are all, Oh word, you’re right, I must be the emotionally crippled jerk here because I don’t go around conducting…

By: Andrea Grimes / July 26, 2012

Hitched: Help Me Platonically Charm The Pants Off My New In-Law Family

In a couple of weeks, I’m going to be living it up in beautiful South Dakota. The occasion: my new grandma-in-law’s octogenarian birthday and combination family reunion. I hear there will be picnics and jet skis involved. I am petrified. But Andrea, how can you be petrified when there are jet skis involved, you ask?

By: Andrea Grimes / July 18, 2012

Hitched: On The Fairy Tale Ending That Katie Holmes Will Not Have

What are you doing right now? Is it after noon? Actually, I don’t care if it is or not: go pour yourself a glass of something cold and boozy and join me in a toast to Katie Holmes, free woman. I don’t much keep up with celebrity goings-on, certainly not beyond the two-month-old Us Weekly

By: Andrea Grimes / July 11, 2012

Hitched: How To Get Married Without Being An A**hole

The amazing thing about life is how many complete assholes manage to find someone willing to put up with their bullshit and marry them. When I was a single person, the thing that crushed me the most when I was feeling lonely wasn’t that I thought I’d never find a spouse. It was that Donald…

By: Andrea Grimes / July 3, 2012

Hitched: How To Be A Good Wedding Guest

I didn’t know how bad I was at being a wedding guest until I had my own wedding. I was bad about gifts and good about stiffing bartenders. Worst of all, I was terrible about crying on the dance floor when the DJ played “All The Single Ladies” because I was fresh off a breakup.

By: Andrea Grimes / June 28, 2012

Hitched: Tales Of The Happily Divorced

Last week’s Hitched column was all about the “myth of the happily married woman,” challenging the idea that marriage is some kind of natural state of being for women, who are biologically and culturally destined to need a man to complete their happiness. Whether you believe in the Man Jesus or the Flying Spaghetti Monster,…

By: Andrea Grimes / June 20, 2012

Hitched: The Myth Of The Happily Married Woman

Wouldn’t you feel like shit, and wouldn’t I look like a jerk, if I sat around with this huge pile of adorable kittens and was all, “Oh man, my pile of adorable kittens is so great, I can’t get over how wonderful this pile of adorable kittens is, how can you not have a pile…

By: Andrea Grimes / June 13, 2012

Hitched: Miley Cyrus, Don’t Marry Him, Girl!

Miley Cyrus, pop star and heir to the “Achy, Breaky Heart” fortune, has announced that, at 19 years old, she’s engaged to marry her boyfriend of three years, actor Liam Hemsworth. I have this to say: Don’t do it, girl! And when I Googled “Liam Hemsworth” to find out who the hell this dude is,…

By: Andrea Grimes / June 6, 2012

Hitched: Your Elaborately Planned Public Marriage Proposal Is Awkward For Everyone

If you are currently in the process of planning an elaborate and public marriage proposal to your intended, please consider not doing that, not doing that even for a minute, and instead consider just stopping everything you had planned and not ever doing that, and even if you still want to do it a little…

By: Andrea Grimes / May 31, 2012