Newsflash! Ladies, your man doesn’t always want to hang out with your vagina. Sometimes the most erotic and exciting thing in the bedroom is your hand. No way, this can’t be true, you’re thinking. Aren’t handjobs for sleepaway camp and when I’m on antibiotics? Aren’t they passé like beepers and hotmail accounts? The short answer is NO. But lucky for you, I’m going to give you the long answer. Finally, someone will stand up to the powerful vagina lobbyists in Washington and explain how our nation got hoodwinked into thinking handjobs are lame. My theory is simple and, naturally, revolves around baseball and Benicio Del Toro. Keep reading »
The clever lyric goes: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” But an even greater lyric might go: “Life is what happens while you’re feeling about 11 years old.” I’m often told by my shrink that the greatest challenge for men is reconciling that they are in fact adults, while the majority of women he sees are in therapy to stave off turning into their own mother.
So let’s see: that would mean my wife and I (and most other couples) are quite the fetching pair: An adolescent boy strolling down the street with his lady’s mother.
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Sure, we all look like Brad and Angie after a few shots on a moonlit night. Tanned, toned and ready for some serious lovemaking, we hop into our lover’s bed for a night of hot-shadow-sex. But assuming it’s more than a one-night stand, sooner or later it’s time for Vulnerable Sex. You know the kind—unholy sunshine beaming into that studio apartment revealing last night’s calamari in your teeth, his uni-brow in full force and that stubborn bacne you just can’t get rid of. I can recall a session of first-morning-sex with a girlfriend that featured me burying my face into a pillow to shield an epic chin zit.
Good morning, varicose-vain! Top o’ the morning, stubborn stomach flab, cellulite and neck scar! How’d ya sleep, blackhead, wart, mole, and blotch? Love at first light can be quite traumatic; it’s our eyes’ version of unprotected sex. After the jump, my 5 tips for surviving vulnerable morning sex … Keep reading »
It was 11:45 p.m. on a Wednesday night. My wife and I were exhausted and cozied up in bed together. We both had one thing on our minds. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same thing. I was craving sex and she was craving the season three finale of “Friday Night Lights.” We were at a standstill, experiencing what some might call a “21st century marital pickle.” It seems Netflix and sites like Hulu just might be the modern couple’s greatest obstacles to a steady sex life. The continuous supply of great TV is so accessible and so compelling, many a good couple become hooked like crackheads and forget about making their own entertainment. Through burning eyes and next day regret, couples machete through a season of “Lost” or “The Wire,” ignoring or forgetting to fuel their loins. But on this night, something in me snapped and I drew a line in the sand … with my penis. “Babe,” I said, “we’re in a losing battle against awesome TV. It will never end. There are too many TV shows out there; when do we get to do it?” Keep reading »