You might have a lot of loves in a lifetime, but you never forget your first … stock image boyfriend. A stock image boyfriend, tasked with illustrating a variety of concepts including “I love canned foods,” or “I don’t understand your modern technology because I’m a caveman,” or “banana gun,” can be a wonderful companion. Sure, eventually you might outgrow him, or feel that you’re just not connecting over your shared love of corn, and you’ll have to move on. But that doesn’t mean we can’t look back fondly on our time together…
We’re embracing Sober January. And for good reason. The other night we had two glasses of wine at a work happy hour and woke up with wicked hangovers. This can only mean one thing: our lady drinker lifespan has come to end. Time to mourn the drinking days of our youth. After the jump, our drunk memories … may they rest in peace. Keep reading »
During a recent interview with The Guardian, singer Marilyn Manson expressed his interest in “passing [his] demented genius on to some small thing who can set fire and breath profanity.” And doesn’t the world need another expletive spouting fire starter? Yes, it does. For those of you who weren’t following, Marilyn would like to procreate. He is currently dating photographer Lindsay Usich. But in case she doesn’t want to carry his spawn, we thought we’d provide backup. Marilyn says he goes for women who are “independent and creative,” but not too creative because he’s inclined to feel competitive and jealous. He also insists he’s not some sort of sexual deviant as we once thought. “I think I would laugh nervously in the face of a threesome. I’m shy. I’m the kind of person who turns the lights out.” We get it, Marliyn. You’re a prude. Taking all this into consideration, we came up with some ideas for who could provide the other half of the chromosomal equation for Marilyn’s small, demented, genius thing. Paging Paz de la Huerta. Are you available to make a thing? [Celebitchy]
Real talk: Both Ami and I are obsessive Tetris players. We both play Tetris on our iPhones on our travels to and from work. It’s my subway escape. I have mastered how to play while embarking and disembarking from the train and I can play virtually anywhere. Ami’s high score (she’s only been playing a couple of months) is 205,746. Mine is 568,600. I’ve played no less than, like, 13,000 games on my phone. Like, my phone might as well just be for Tetris and text messages. I, uh, might have a problem.
It occurred to me that Tetris might not just be a game of fitting shapes into other shapes originally invented by Russians (true story): It might also be a metaphor! For life! And love! And so Ami and I have come up with a list of 13 rules of Tetris that also apply to dating. Keep reading »
It’s another one of those stories. You know, the kind where the math doesn’t quite add up so you have to make a special visual equation to figure it out. Today, we found out that Shakira was nearly attacked by a wild sea lion while on an aquatic mammal tour in Cape Town, South Africa. “Suddenly, [a sea lion] jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me … I was paralyzed by fear and couldn’t move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother ‘Super Tony’ jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast,” the singer wrote on her Facebook page. Apparently the impetuous sea lion thought her Blackberry was a piece of food and jumped for it. Shakira survived the incident with a minuscule laceration on her hand. The part of this story that disturbs me most is the fact that she still uses a Blackberry. It’s iPhone time for Shakira. There must be an app for preventing feral sea lion attacks. [People]