Profile for Ami Angelowicz

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Shauvon Busts Breast Implant On “Real World/Road Rules Challenge” And Scars Us All For Life


Be afraid … be very afraid. Just in time for Halloween, the scariest thing any woman can imagine has happened. On MTV’s “The Real World/Road Rules Challenge,” contestant Shauvon busted her breast implant after cannon balling into a lake. Aaaarrrrggghhhhhh! I’ll pretend like the splash heard ‘round the world was not an awful idea in the first place, because the real takeaway from this moment is that an implant can actually rupture. Shauvon was rushed to the ER where she discovered she had nerve, muscle, and tissue damage. I’m thinking no more challenges for Shauvon. Worse? The other contestants think she is exaggerating the pain or making up some cockamamie story. My real boobs are in pain just thinking about it! If you ever needed a reason to forego those implants you’ve been dreaming of, check out the clip above. [BuzzFeed] Keep reading »

Edgar Allan Poe Gets a Funeral “Do-Over”

The first time Edgar Allan Poe died, no one really noticed. In 1849, at age 40, the macabre poet prince was discovered drunk, delirious, and penniless outside a Baltimore watering hole. Four days later, he died of unknown causes—the best guesses include alcoholism, cholera, rabies, tuberculosis, heart disease, or suicide. And let’s just say that his funeral was not a success. His death was never announced publicly, fewer than 10 people attended, Poe’s tombstone was destroyed by a derailed train, and Rufus Griswold, a long-time frenemy, published a slanderous obituary that damaged Poe’s reputation forever. But it’s never too late to get a second chance at death.

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Dudes Say Don Draper Is The Most Influential Guy Of 2009

Guess who AskMen.com readers voted the most influential man of 2009? Don Draper, who, technically, is a not a “real” man but a fictional character. Sure, I love me some hot Hamm every Sunday night, but, at the end of the torrid hour, I realize that “Mad Men” is just a television show and that Don Draper is just a caricature of a man struggling with his own demons, unwilling to face his problems head-on. So why are guys so obsessed with Don, to the point that they treat him as an actual person? Keep reading »

10 Celebrity Families Who Hate The Star’s Mate

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We’re still all trying to figure out what’s up with the Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake breakup. Are they done or aren’t they? Well, JT’s outspoken granny isn’t waiting for the dust to settle before pouring salt on Jessica’s wounds. “Jessica was keen to marry, but Justin isn’t ready,” said Timberlake’s grandma, Sadie Bomar. “As far as we’re concerned, he’s always been single.” Please Grams, tell us how you really feel. Sounds like JT may have a case of “gramma’s boy” syndrome. Well, good riddance, right Jess? Unless they are really still together, in which case I meant to say, “Good luck!” [Celebitchy]

Interestingly, this isn’t even sort of the first time a celebrity family member has sounded off about a famous significant other. After the jump, some more celeb families that talked trash about their beloved’s beloved.

Star In Your Very Own Erotic Novel!

For your enjoyment, here is an excerpt from Johnny Depp and Ami Angelowicz: Fever in France:

“Mon Ami.” “Bizou Johnny.” Ami dismounts her little yellow bicycle and Johnny follows. Tired from a day of cycling about town—Museé Rodin, Tour Eiffel, crêpes de sucre, and passionate kisses on Rive Gauche—Ami finally collapses in the pristine Parisian grass of the Jardin de Luxembourg, stretching and soaking in the fall sun. Johnny opens the picnic basket he has been carrying on his handlebars all day. “Madame … ” he gestures to an unopened bottle of wine ready to serve. “Wine for the lady?” It’s a fine deep red.

OK, so maybe I don’t have a future as a writer of romantic novels (and pardon my French, by the way), but I just got so carried away imagining a page from my soon-to-be published, customized erotic novel created by UStar Books and Novels. Yes, correct. You can create a novel starring you tailor-made to contain all of your most personal tastes and erotic desires. So perfect because it appeals to my romanticism and narcissism, all at once! Keep reading »

Enter This Penis Haiku Contest!

I have been writing bad poetry for as long as I can remember. Well, at least since I penned the gripping haiku, “The Spark,” in 7th grade. I can’t share it … it’s just too embarrassing. But yes, it does follow the 5-7-5 syllable pattern. Can I still write a hard-hitting haiku? Yes, I believe I can. And now I have the chance I’ve been waiting for. Alan Wieder, author of the new memoir Year of the C**k, which chronicles his penile trials and tribulations, is having a contest to find the best haikus about his favorite topic … the penis. You bet your c**k I am entering my phaiku (penis + haiku) on his website for a chance to win an autographed copy of the book. Check out my masterpiece after the jump. [Asylum] Keep reading »

10 Ways NOT To Praise Our Vaginas

Oh Asylum, how happy are we that you’ve discovered our need to have praise bestowed upon our sacred lady flowers! So happy that we were inspired to compliment your wangs! Although your vajayjay compliment primer is certainly a valiant effort, now might be a good time to tell you that a comment like “Your vagina is so much hotter than my last girlfriend’s vagina” may just leave us closed for business. More important than what you say is what you must vow not to say in order to keep the peace down south. After the jump, 10 things that you should never say to our vaginas — at least if you want to see them again. Keep reading »

Why I’m Secretly Excited For “Secret Girlfriend”


www.comedycentral.com


What happens when some cads cruise for boobs and document their shenanigans YouTube-style? A ridiculous new Comedy Central series called “Secret Girlfriend.” The show is shot in a first-person format, making the viewer the central character in the lives of a 20-something single guy, his two besties/roommates and the two women in his life he’s trying to keep a secret from each other—psycho ex, Mandy, and new girlfriend, Jessica. I know I should be offended by the idiotic and childish pursuit of female tail, but for some reason all I can do is laugh my ass off at these guys. The fact that these clueless idiots actually think they can get laid is hilarious enough to diffuse their offensive antics. Check out the trailer—I’ll definitely be watching the premiere tomorrow night at 10:30 p.m. My fave one-liner? “I’m telling you … my penis looks really weird,” used as a pick-up line. Amazing! [Comedy Central] Keep reading »

The Little Things Guys Do That Make Us Swoon

I was in 8th grade when my first boyfriend, Jeremy, made me a mix tape featuring my favorite song, “Jeremy” by Pearl Jam. Coincidence? Not. I have been known to fall for a guy for the most ludicrous reasons, like, say, being the namesake of my favorite song, having an organized wallet, or rocking some snazzy sneakers. Sure, Jeremy had the right name to grab my interest, but he really sealed the deal with the mix tape and affixed love note — “My favorite songs and yours. Love, Jer.”

A lot has happened since then. My cassette tapes have all been donated to Goodwill (except Jer’s … I still have it) and my heart has grown more sophisticated (I think), but the fact remains the same. For me, falling for a guy is all in the details. I don’t care about how much hair you have, how swanky your apartment is, or how much money you’ve got in the bank. It’s the little things you do to show that you care that make me swoon like a lunatic. Keep reading »

Are You A Rage-aholic?

Last week, I was in line at the grocery store. I had just finished a hardcore workout at the gym and was starving, so I popped in to pick up a few things. Meanwhile, my Blackberry was going off … emails, questions, work to be done. My mom was calling. My friends were texting about plans for the evening. And most unfortunately, the old woman in front of me was hell-bent on saving $1 on six cans of chicken broth with an expired coupon. Of course the checkout girl wouldn’t let her use the coupon—she smacked her gum and rolled her eyes instead. The old woman persisted in broken English: “One dollar off chicken broth! It say one dollar off chicken broth!” This scene went on like a broken record until finally the checker had to leave her station and get the manager. This process took no less than 20 minutes and the line continued to multiply. The voice inside my head started screaming, until finally I blurted out, “There are other people waiting here! F**k the soup!” It was the F-bomb heard ‘round the grocery store. I immediately felt ashamed as I looked around at all the other seemingly calm shoppers. What happened to me? Why did I fly into a rage? Keep reading »

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