My dad is a very wise man. He knows when to keep his mouth shut, which is pretty much whenever it comes to my love life. On other fronts he is and always has been very vocal — even a little bit hot headed. It’s the Brooklyn in him. In high school, when I got into a kerfuffle with one of my teachers, he showed up at her office and told her to “pound sand.” He did this without my permission and I was mortified. In college, when the storage unit where I was housing my stuff for the summer tried to swindle me, he called up the owner and threatened to hang the guy “from a flagpole by his underwear.” This is my dad’s favorite threat. Apparently, he actually did this to one of his campers when he was a counselor back in high school. He’s very proud of this.
But throughout my life, while meeting various boyfriends or hearing about them, he hasn’t given a single opinion. He hasn’t told any of them to pound sand or threatened to hang a single man who screwed me over from a flagpole by his underwear (although there were probably a few who deserved it). He has remained miraculously neutral. This is why I remember the three times he offered up dating advice. And I shall recount them for you… Keep reading »
When “Jersey Shore”‘s Deena Cortese was arrested for disorderly conduct and public drunkenness this past weekend, we discovered she was guilty of another offense: Crazy tan lines. How did she get that design on her butt? Also, why was she wearing slippers in public? And cuddling with a giant stuffed animal? I guess we’ll have to wait until next season to find out how the meatball ended up in such hot sauce. I’m already suspecting that she is feeling the pressure to fill Snooki’s shoes now that she’s pregnant. Meaning … SOBER. Click through to see more of the weirdest celebrity tan lines we’ve ever seen. [The Superficial]
Colorado man, Kenneth Dejoie, got more than a roast beef sandwich when he visited his local Arby’s two years ago. Dejoie claims that he was “utilizing the urinal in the men’s restroom when it caused a jet of steam to shoot forth from the urinal and burn his genitals.” When he reported the incident to one of the employees he responded with “This happens when the sink in the kitchen is running.” That answer didn’t satisfy the man with the scalded sausage, so he decided to sue the fast food chain. He is seeking damages for financial losses, for not being able to have sex with his wife and for their all-around crappy food. I just added that last part. Something about the color of their roast beef has never seemed right to me. Now I understand why: They cook it in the urinal. We hope Dejoie and his penis get the compensation they deserve. Keep on clicking to hear about more really insane penis accidents. [CBS Denver]
“My biggest nightmare is that I do something where [HBO would] be like, ‘That’s why you don’t give shows to 25-year-old girls.’ I’m always afraid that I’m being unprofessional, yet I continue to sign all my e-mails ‘xoxo.’ All my freakouts have been pretty private and directed at family pets and/or people I have been dating for too short a time to freak out at in that way … I did come home from a long day recently, and I laid down on the couch next to my dog, and I was so happy to be with a companion that’s not expecting me to do anything. He’s licking my face, and I looked down, and he had the biggest erection. I just punched him. I was like, ‘I just can’t with you right now.’ Everyone needs something from me.”
– Lena Dunham in her recent New York Times Magazine interview. She also talks about how she is just now moving out of her parents’ house and other interesting stuff about the philosophy behind the sex scenes in “Girls.” I continue to be impressed with how unapologetic she is. I really admire that. And I’m a big fan of the show.
Dear Unidentified Man Who Stole 400,000 Toothpicks,
Let me start by saying that I do not condone theft. But I will say, your crime intrigues me. I am imagining the circumstances under which someone would break into a toothpick factory and steal $3,000 worth of product — that’s nearly half a million toothpicks! — and sell them at flea market. I can’t imagine it would be for the money. Even if you got top dollar for your bounty, it wouldn’t get you far. In my mind, you’re just a dreamer, a man who longs for a world where no one has food stuck in his teeth. It’s so hard to look at and so embarrassing when it happens to you. Mortifying! I get it. Dental hygiene is very important to me too. I am one of those weird people who looks forward to going to the dentist. In fact, I have a cleaning next week. Yay! Keep reading »