Nearly two years ago, I wrote about all the reasons why having a plant is better than having a boyfriend. Then, recently, I landed myself an awesome boyfriend who is pretty much always available to listen to me in the way my plants previously did (and before that my childhood dog, Mandy).
Now, begrudgingly, I’m forced to admit that having a boyfriend is slightly better than having a plantfriend. It’s just more edifying to have someone listen to you who talks back with kind words and intelligent insights and also wants to make out with you. (Friends are good for this kind of thing as well — minus the making out — if you’re not with boyfriend at the moment.)
But just because I have a human companion, doesn’t mean that I appreciate the sage wisdom of my plants any less. A big shout out to Liberation, Money Bags, Muffin Top, Spike, and Banana for always being there for me. Here’s what I’ve learned from living with my plantfriends for the last six years, my plantitudes, if you will…
Jörg Sprave of The Slingshot Cannel took the Bill Gates’ Next Generation Condom Challenge and came up with this condom applicator slingshot gun. I don’t have a penis, but I think if I did, this method of condom application would scare the crap out of me. On a more positive note, I really enjoyed Jörg’s salutation to the Gates’: “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Gates, nothing fascinates male human beings more than guns and sex.” [Laughing Squid]
You probably weren’t considering putting an eel up your ass today. But just in case you were, please let this terrible eel-in-anus tale dissuade you from doing such a thing. And if eel-in-anus tales are the kind of things that make you feel uncomfy, you probably should stop reading now because I’m going to regale you with all the deets, gory enough to make Richard Gere and his gerbil ass blush. Keep reading »
I’m an an undomestic goddess of the highest order. I believe I’ve mentioned that I hate to cook so you probably wouldn’t be that surprised to learn that I hate to clean. YET … if you walked into my apartment, you would think it was clean. How do I do make this magical illusion happen? Full disclosure: I do pay someone to deep clean my apartment one to two times a month. It’s the most worthwhile $100 I’ve ever spent. BUT ALSO, I am the master at straightening up. I don’t clean, I straighten. If you’re like me — unwilling to break out a single cleaning product when you’re having company over — then you’ll appreciate my super lazy cleaning tips. Use them well and try not to judge me. Keep reading »
Hello there. I’ve spent a good portion of my morning trying to learn all there is to know about Pad Gardner, the guy who is trying to become a pink, disposable maxi pad. To quote Pad’s Tumblr “About Me” section:
“I am a guy that is becoming a pink disposable feminine pad, and later on I will be pressed against a soft vulva for a woman’s period … I have wanted to become a pad since I was 10 years old.”
In my stalking of Pad, I’ve grown quite fond of him. Not fond enough to let him be my pink, Kotex overnight maxi pad, but still, pretty damn fond. After the jump, I’d like to share everything I’ve learned about Pad and I hope you will grow to adore him the way I have. Keep reading »
I usually require a number of beverages to get me going in the morning. I start off with three to four cups of coffee, pounded in succession. Once I’m thoroughly amped, I move on to coconut water to counteract the dehydrating effects of all the coffee. Now I can simplify my morning bevy routine with Zico Latte, a blend of premium coconut water and coffee. It contains natural caffeine, as much potassium as a banana and a blend of electrolytes for maximum hydration. It’s the optimal morning drink. [$25.99 12/pack, Amazon]
I often find myself marveling at people’s innovative (and illegal) public masturbation sessions. Like the guy who emptied a vacuum cleaner in a neighbor’s home and then pleasured himself on the dirty floor or the woman who diddled herself on a Florida highway. I know both of these self-love sessions ended in arrest, and I don’t condone crimes where anyone feels violated, obviously, but I can’t help but be in awe of how much trouble they went through just to get off!
This week, William Blakely wins the creative/illegal masturbation award. The former Mount Carmel, Tennessee, Vice-Mayor is facing charges of indecent and reckless endangerment and criminal attempt to commit aggravated assault for jerking off out of the window of his car while he was driving 90 miles per hour. I mean, how do you even achieve that? Keep reading »
About two years ago, I was going through a dating crisis of I’m-going-to-die-alone proportions and sought help from a therapist who specialized in that sort of thing. She gave me all these rules I should be following to help me find love. Like, she told me I should date at least three guys at once and tell each of the guys on date number two that I was dating other people. Then, she instructed me to wait for two to three months and decide which one I liked the best and dump the other two. This is not something I ever would have considered doing on my own, but because I was blaming myself for being single, I was willing to try it her way. Following her advice, I cancelled plans with guy #1 — who I really liked — because guy #2 had asked me out for a drink and I felt obligated. I arrived at the “date” with guy #2 only to discover that without even asking me, he had invited 12 of his closest friends to join us. Long story short (because the rest is pretty lame), the night ended with me crying in a cab on the way home from Brooklyn feeling like poop about myself because even following an expert’s rules, I couldn’t date “right.” Keep reading »
According to a study published in Psychology Today, the place we should all be going to find the love of our lives is Walmart. The study, which polled the 100 most recent Craigslist “Missed Connections” in 15 states, found that people in Texas, Florida, Ohio, Montana and North Carolina named Walmart most frequently as the place where they had fallen in love at first sight.
If shopping at Walmart isn’t really your vibe because you don’t support the company’s politics, other popular “Missed Connection” spots included McDonald’s, the grocery store, bars, the gym and for the folks of NYC, the subway. So basically, this very important study concludes: You can meet people if you go out in public!
I’m eager to make a snarky joke about how love at first site doesn’t exist, and “Missed Connections” are a form of fantasy, however, I basically fell in love at first sight on the subway. So, I’m forced to swallow my own cynicism. But I still won’t shop at Walmart. [CNN]