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Watch: John Mayer’s New Music Video, Featuring Prancercise Guru, Joanna Rohrback!

Prancercise!
prancercise
It's a fitness exercise and a spiritual practice. Watch »
John Is A Jerk
john mayer
John Mayer confirms that he's a jerk. Read More »
Prancercise Spoof
unicorn prancercising
Watch a unicorn prancercise. Watch »
But Who Is Jarrad?
John Mayer's New Music Video, Featuring Prancercise Guru, Joanna Rohrback
A prance to romance to!

Once you know the basics of prancercise, you can move on to the more advanced versions of the fitness exercise. Joanna Rohrback’s next level of being “induced by elation” is “romancercise,” a prance you can romance to. Who better than to provide the soundtrack for prance seduction than John Mayer? No one. Behold the official music video for “Paper Doll.”

I think YouTube user TypoQueen said it best: “Pretty sure John Mayer just won the internet.” Indeed he did. Only one more question: Right before the video begins, Rohrback warns that if you’re pregnant or nursing, you should consult a doctor before romancercising, but if you’re not, you should consult Jarrad. Who’s Jarrad Rohrback? Is it her much younger husband? Or is this her way of trying to set her son up with single ladies? I’ve included a picture of the mysterious Jarrad after the jump. If you have any information about him, or theories about his identity, please feel free to share in the comments. I WILL get to the bottom of this. [YouTube] Keep reading »

8 Horrendous Pieces Of Sex Advice From The Most WTF Book Ever Written

Dating Don'ts: Negging
Just say no to negging! Read More »
Sex Rules To Break
These sex rules are not worth following. Read More »
Cosmo Sex Advice
Can you tell the real advice from the fake BS we made up? Read More »

Amazon describes the little-known (thank God!) 1999 self-help book, The Rules For Getting Laid: Get The Sex You Want as an “outrageous, hilarious, politically incorrect book shows men the boneheaded mistakes they make in seducing women” and tells “readers the secrets no one else will have the guts to speak!” Well, that was putting it kindly. The Village Voice dug up a copy of the out-of-print book and combed through the pages for useful tips from authors David Graff  and Ray Schwartz (two men who clearly have never gotten laid). Spoiler: there weren’t any. But there are plenty of super offensive, misogynistic, bordering on stalker-ish/rape-y pieces of sex advice to get whipped up about. Let’s do that, shall we? After the jump, the worst, most awful, most WTF sex advice from the book that promises: “Feminist women and men will try to ban or burn this book!” Burn, burn, burn! Keep reading »

Amanda Bynes Just Wants Drake To Be Friends With Her Vagina — Plus An App That Teaches Women How To Masturbate

Kill Her Vagina?
Amanda Bynes tweets that she wants Drake to kill her vagina. Read More »
Masturbation Myths
Stupid misconceptions men have about the way women masturbate. Read More »
Amanda's Ugly List
A timeline of all the celebs that Amanda Bynes has called "ugly."
A timeline of every celeb Amanda Bynes has called ugly. Read More »
  • As it turns out, Amanda Bynes doesn’t really want Drake to murder her vagina, she just wants him to be friends with it. [Evil Beet Gossip]
  • Why does Harry Styles’ underwear look like a diaper? [Pop Sugar]
  • These photographers have taken pictures of more than 140 people having sex and they have stories to tell. [Nerve]
  • A very good reason to let go of all the bitterness towards your ex. [Uptown Magazine] Keep reading »

UK Politician, Simon Parkes, Comes Out As An Alien

Elf Sex?
This woman says it's real. Read More »
Alien Sex Explained
Simon Parkes has an alien mistress and 10 alien kids!

In middle school, I had a teacher who was obsessed with aliens and used all of our class time to convince us that they existed. I was 12 and had to start sleeping on the floor of my parents’ bedroom because I was convinced I would be abducted. My parents made me drop the class so I could sleep in my bedroom again. And this man later went on to run for city council and win.

I thought my teacher/ city councilman was weird. Now I know he wasn’t so crazy. Meet Simon Parkes, a Labour Councillor in the UK (he represents constituents on a city level) who knows all there is to know about aliens because he is one. He also works as a driving instructor in his spare time. Aliens really are everywhere.

In this hour-long interview (a shout out to the interviewer who manages to stay extremely neutral), Parkes also goes into Hubbard-esque detail about soul agreements with aliens, what happens during an “abduction,” the different alien races, (little greys, reptiles, humanoids, etc.). Some of the the 53-year-old’s more interesting claims include that he’s fathered ten children, all twins, three of which are named Zarka, Zarouf, and Ree-Karl, with an alien woman he calls The Lion Queen. And this wasn’t just a one-night stand. Parkes sees the Lion Queen about four times a year for sex and this is causing issues with his human wife and three human children, obvs. Keep reading »

6 Fast Food Employees Caught Doing Disgusting Things To Our Food

I was already grossed out enough by fast food without having to see evidence of employees tainting the food I never wanted to eat anyway. I try to consume fast food as little as possible. I usually will only eat it on road trips if there’s nothing else. Reason being: I grew up in Phoenix where, in 1990, a cook at Jack In The Box was arrested on suspicion of blowing his nose into a hamburger. I was 12 — at the height of what should have been my fast food eating peak. But that news was enough to put me off red meat for the next decade, not to mention Jack In The Box. I’ve never been back. Keep reading »

Your Chicken Nugget
Here's what's in your chicken nuggets. Read More »
Taco Hell
Man handcuffed himself to a woman at Taco Bell. Read More »

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Got A Tattoo Of His Wife On His Bald Spot

Be MY BF: Weed and Koolaid
This man dialed 911 looking for weed. Of course. Read More »
Be My BF: Klingon Sword
Johnnie Blade wielded a Klingon sword. Read More »
Be My BF: Tattooed Shoes
Permanent converse? Yes, please! Read More »

Dear Bob Baker,

Congrats on your new tattoo! It looks like it’s healing really nicely. I’m sure you’re getting a lot of attention for it right now. Not necessarily for getting a tattoo of your wife in a bikini and high heels pushing a lawnmower on your bald spot that people are calling “wicked,” but for being a 68-year-old man with a 28-year-old wife. Eh, if Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison can get hitched, so can you and your wife, Kelly. You’ve been together for nine years now, married for three. You’ve got nothing to prove. Although your two grown daughters, who are respectively 10 and  16 years older than your wife, may not feel the same way about the relationship. Keep reading »

A Woman Walks Into A Barber Shop…

Deep Dish Pizza
chicago style deep dish pizza
The 8 stages of eating deep dish pizza for the first time. Read More »
Barista Tidbits
50 things your barista wishes he could tell you. Read More »
People At A Concert
You'll always see these 16 types of people at a concert. Read More »

My best friend has a hot, super short haircut. Instead of spending a fortune getting it cut at the hairdresser every month, she gets an expensive haircut every six months and supplements that with $14 “cleanups” at her local barber shop. She’s invited me to join her several times by telling me how “amazing” it is. I’ve always replied with, “Not my scene.” To which she’s said, “You’re missing out.” Keep reading »

Dean McDermott’s Taint Tattoo & 8 Other Celebs With Intimate Ink

This week Tori Spelling tweeted: “O-M-G … My husband @Deanracer just surprised me w/ hottest ‘Tori’ tattoo in an unbelievably intimate spot I’m blown away!”

Of course, she didn’t show us a picture of this intimate tattoo, but based on the other bad “Tori” tattoo on his elbow, we can only guess that Dean got her beloved pet chicken Coco inked on his taint. I’m sure we’ll see a Twitpic or Vine video of it soon enough … whether we want to or not.

Here are some more celebs who got intimate tattoos. [US Weekly]

Open Letter:Tori's Chicken
Dear Tori, It's weird to let your chicken sleep in the bed. Read More »
17 Anal Tattoos
anal tattoo
17 butt and anal tattoos to make you feel really uncomfortable. Read More »

Christians Think This Kraft Ad Is Too Zesty — Plus, The Rise Of “Daddies”!

Big Gay Oreo
Some people were offended by this Oreo. Read More »
"Daddy" in bed?
To say it or not to say it ... in bed. Read More »
  • “It is easy to see what the ad is really selling … Christians will not be able to buy Kraft dressings or any of their products until they clean up their advertising,” said the One Million Moms website of this Zesty Italian Dressing ad. I guess that means they don’t want their salad tossed by this guy? Let the record reflect that this is the same group who got all whipped up over the rainbow Oreo cookie. [iVillage]
  • The next step after child stardom: porn stardom. Well, at least these famous kids went XXX. [College Candy]
  • Your summer fling must involve long walks on the beach, outdoor hookups and dance-offs. [Tres Sugar]
  • “Daddies” are on the rise. What you need to know about Gay Daddies, Silver Daddies, Muscle Daddies, Bears, Leather Daddies, Big Daddies, and Daddy-Lovers. [NYMag.com] Keep reading »

Men Are To Blame For Menopause

Ovulation Side Effects
8 Weird Things That Happen To Us When We're Ovulating
Weird things happen to us when we're ovulating. Read More »
Ovulation Study
A study says we treat our nice boyfriends like crap when we're ovulating. Read More »

A team of evolutionary geneticists have determined what really caused menopause in women: men. It was previously thought that women evolved to become infertile after a certain age so that they could care for their grandchildren and coddle the next of kin. But evolutionarily speaking, that turned out to be a load of crap because, according to the laws of natural selection, our fertility should continue for as long as possible to keep the species going.

The new working theory is that men and their preference for young mates is what caused us to evolve to become infertile after a certain age. Researchers think that over time, men’s competition for young women made older women’s reproductive organs feel unappreciated therefore causing them to crawl under the bed and die, so to speak. Keep reading »