“The Fashion Show” is supposedly about “real fashion, for real women.” I never bought the whole “real women” shtick and remained even more unconvinced after last week’s episode when all the contestants balked at the challenge of designing an outfit for a woman who weighed in at over a whopping two lbs. Whatevs, I don’t really care if the show is about “real people.” Reality TV is nothing about real people anyway. I want fabulous and disastrous fashion (in equal doses, please), snarky judges and crazy contestants. I don’t think I am asking for much, especially considering the fact that this is “The Fashion Show.” And yet, last night’s episode was oddly devoid of fashion. Sure there was fabric, but fabric clearly took a backseat to contrived drama and Kelly Rowland’s rant. Keep reading »
My boyfriend just came back from a semester abroad in Paris — and he came back a smoker. I am not a smoker. Never have been, never will be. I couldn’t smoke during high school as I was dancing professionally for an opera company, and by the time I got to college it just didn’t seem like a big deal anymore. Smoking has just never really been on my radar; I know it’s bad for you, obviously, but I don’t feel the need to go protest outside Phillip Morris.
I’ve never dated a smoker because I never liked a guy that did smoke. I am not sure if it’s because I don’t like smokers, or none of the guys I was into happened to smoke, or if there is any difference between the two. Maybe if they had smoked I wouldn’t have been attracted? Impossible to know. All of that has changed now. Keep reading »
I was trying really hard not to mock the daylights out of Under-Ease, the anti-flatulence underwear from the peeps at Under-Tec, but I failed. You gotta admit, the name does not inspire confidence. Still, the eau de fart, or more officially referred to as malodorous flatus, is a literal bummer. If you think about it, the lot of the prolific farters is a rough one. We all make fart jokes and occasionally let out a real ripper, but it must actually bite to regularly set off stink bombs at school, at work, or on a date. In theory if you wear Under-Ease, your hot date will never know you cut the cheese. Unless of course you order a cheese plate. I myself am partial to stinky goopey french cheese which my dates have found far more disgusting than a fart or two. Keep reading »
I thought Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter had cornered the market on “random things to decorate your ears with” when she donned those radish earrings. Nope, not even close. Check out these freeze dried squirrel feet earrings and necklace. Taxidermy for your lobes — hot! I am not sure which disturbs me more: the knowledge that some poor squirrel in squirrel heaven has to watch his feet dangle around some random person’s neck in a very undignified fashion, or that the “designer” made them in the first place. Look, I’m not a vegetarian and I totally wear leather, but even I recognize that these earrings are just…wrong. Plus, they are truly hideous. [$20-$32, Etsy] Keep reading »
I can’t possibly force myself to sit through another episode of “The Fashion Show.” I cannot take another hour of Kelly Rowland contorting her face into bizarre sneers. If I hear Isaac Mizrahi say “bye bye, darling,” one more time, I will snap. Because I value my sanity, or whatever is left of it since the show began, I am not going to watch “The Fashion Show”. I confess, I say this every week and then cave, but this week is going to be different. Last week I had the foresight to ask some friends to watch the show with me. After only five minutes, my friend staged an intervention and turned the show off. Good. So how will I spend my Thursday nights now? Instead of wallowing in my grief over the lack of Tim Gunn in my life, at 10:00pm tonight I am going to play”The Project Runway Game.” Keep reading »
Boyfriend into Japanese cartoons? Then he’ll love you in these extra-wide contact lenses from GEO Lens. The lenses sounded innocuous enough at first, but after two seconds of moderate internet investigation, I learned that the lenses primary function are to give your eyes the appearance of an anime character. WTF? The lenses are not only tinted unnatural colors, but are heavily tinted beyond the normal rim of your eye, into the the shape of anime-eyes. So all you have to do is pop a pair into your peepers and you are good to go do…well, whatever it is that anime characters do. Now if dating a guy with an anime fetish is questionable, making yourself look like an anime character is unquestionably bizarre. I shouldn’t judge — whatever you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. I will try not to pass judgment if looking like an anime character keeps things steamy in the bedroom. To each her own. I will, however, stare and/or laugh if I see you walking on the street with cartoon eyes.
Oh, FYI, you can only get a prescription from your doc, who might send you to a shrink instead. Keep reading »
If you thought the blond Orbitz girl cornered the market on bizarre gum marketing, you clearly have not stumbled across the wonderful absurdity that is Miracle Birth Control Gum. I suppose it was only really a matter of time until someone figured out a way to sweeten breath while simultaneously preventing pregnancy. Though the product is specifically targeted for single gals in their 30′s, I doubt a married woman in her 50′s would suffer from any serious medical side effects. The label warns that weight gain may occur after chewing, but chewing burns calories, right? Problem solved. I won’t bother guessing about the potential dire consequences if a dude were to pop one of these mint flavored tablets between his smackers. If a guy is worrying about birth control, he has bigger problems. About eight pounds bigger.
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Robert Pattinson has been adorable his whole life. Have you seen a cuter toddler? Apparently some hotties never have to go through an ugly duckling phase. Keep reading »
Move over New York, Paris and Milan, you no longer have the monopoly on Fashion Week. The three fashion capitols of the world are no longer the only cities drawing the well-heeled to their runways. Name a country, chances are it has a fashion week. Of course the big question is: What does one wear to those tents of fashion glory? Well, actually, the big question might be where in the world are some of these cities, but that’s a whole other can of designer worms. While Chanel works in Paris, I was not so convinced about what to wear to Fashion Weeks in more unusual locales. After consulting the map I have come up with the five most unusual Fashion Weeks I would go to and what I would wear to each. Keep reading »
If you want a thinner face or you are into Darth Vader chic, then I have the product for you. After mulling over the absurdity that is the Japanese Face Slimmer I understand the beauty process as follows: the mask smushes your face to slim it down. First, it melts the fat off your face by massaging your facial dermis—I have always thought there was a fine line between massaging and mauling. Then, the sweat produced from the poorly-ventilated mask combined with the sweat from your chubby cheeks acts as a sauna.
If you have the self-confidence to actually wear this face mask, then kudos to you. For the rest of us who lack egos of steel, a good (or even mediocre) bronzer can fake high cheekbones without the risk of permanently scarring your cat/boyfriend/neighbors, etc. [$32, Japanese Face Slimmer, Amazon] Keep reading »