Things That Women Should Never, Ever Do

People have been telling women how to behave in public, at home, on dates, in relationships, and just about everywhere else for centuries. Sure, men have their share of gendered expectations, but the specifics of them rarely come anywhere close to what women have endured and men just keep making up more. For instance, earlier today, my co-worker found this list of “things a woman should do” if they want to date this random guy from OkCupid:

Here’s a small sampling of things that I think a woman should do: 1) Wear as little makeup as possible. If things go well, I will eventually see you without it, so who is really benefitting? 2) Tell me a story that evokes genuine laughter. I will make you laugh a lot, it shouldn’t be too much to ask to get one or two laughs in return. 3) Not to be embarrassed when you evoke that genuine laughter. When I laugh, I tend to laugh a little too loudly. This is happiness, and should never be greeted with a “shhh!”. 4) This one contradicts number 3 (men are allowed to be complicated too), but you should be brutally honest at all times. Hopefully you aren’t embarrassed by my loud laughter, but if you are, you should alert me to it and not just seethe. This applies to many other situations apart from just laughter. 5) Stick up for yourself and advocate for your beliefs, but also have an open mind. Well-intentioned argumentation can be fun sometimes; you might even change my opinion about something important to you.”

Thanks, random OkCupid guy! Appreciate your input.

This got me to thinking: what other really important “women rules” can I have condescendingly explained to be by random men on the Internet?

What “women rules” from history can I find?

I did some sleuthing and, naturally, the Internet delivered…

 


Return Of Kings

(from their list of “20 Things Women Do That Should be Shamed, Not Celebrated”)

Sluttiness… While I’ve banged my fair share of sluts and would rather not see them disappear into thin air, there’s no doubt that the new slut generations are going to end up with more cats and less husbands.

 

Watching porn/trying to be a porn star.  I’m all for being sexually adventurous, but when I’m having sex with a girl I met two hours ago and she’s whimpering, “Daddy, f*ck my c*nt,” while gasping for air while I choke her, that’s a little extreme.

 

Lazy hygiene. Don’t shave your armpits/legs/pussy because you’re a fiercely independent woman?  You go girl!  Have fun living in the wilderness with your cats.  Meow.

 

Cutting her hair short.  The greatest sign of feminine fertility and it’s encouraged to be chopped off.

 

In summary: don’t be a slut, but also be a slut, but don’t like, let him know you’re a slut. Don’t tell him what you want in bed. Also, don’t watch porn because then you might seem porn-ish in bed. Additionally, remove all of your body hair, but don’t you dare touch the hair on your head.


School Dress Codes

(as explained by Laci Green)

In summary: Don’t show your shoulders. Don’t show your legs. Don’t distract boys or teachers (ew). Don’t exist.


eHarmony Advice

(from “10 Things Women Should Never Say to Their Man”)

“Are you really that stupid?” Be careful not to use language that emasculates and belittles your guy. Treat him with respect, even when you’re angry or disappointed.

“I can’t live without you.” Use desperate language with caution, and stay clear of phrases that sound clingy in early stages of the relationship. Let him take the lead when it comes to commitment and promises of a future together.

“Never mind. I’ll do it myself.” Don’t dismiss the offers of help from your man. A common love language is acts of service. Don’t deny him the opportunity to serve you. Sometimes it’s nice to feel needed.

In summary: Don’t do literally anything that could threaten his masculinity. Don’t have emotions either about how you’re being treated or about your relationship. Let him lead. If he offers you help, but you’re capable of doing it alone, let him do it anyway so he feels all manly and such.


Thought Catalog

(from “18 Things a Woman Should Never Do on the First Date”)

Look like you can’t be bothered to take care of [your] appearance. How you naturally look is one thing. What effort you did to dress up for the date is another. It’s the first thing men notice, if nothing else. It is a first date, make it look like one.

Eat only half of what you ordered. If you didn’t like it, order something else. But there’s nothing hotter than a woman who’s unapologetically her-self while eating and enjoys a good meal.

Try to be someone you’re not. If you don’t like that joke, don’t laugh at it just for us. We will know. If you don’t know a thing about or don’t like football, don’t pretend you’re enjoying it when we talk about yesterday’s match or take you to a sports bar. We will know. If you are not going to meet us again, don’t say yes when we propose a second date. We will know. Don’t waste our time and don’t waste yours.

In summary: put in “enough” effort and make it “look like” a first date even if you’re not into makeup and eat your whole goddamn meal even if you aren’t hungry. But also like… Be yourself, girl.

Though, in this guy’s defense, though, he did write one for men as well. It’s very different, but it is there?


 The Oakland Raiders’ Cheerleader Handbook

(as reported by Robin Abcarian of the L.A. Times)

Make a point to find out if a player is married. In most cases, he won’t tell you! You can call the Raider office with questions about marital status and I encourage you to do so. Again, he will not tell you he’s married!

One such example concerns a player who gave Halloween parties every year and many of the Raiderettes attended. This same player was suspended from the team for drug use but also arrested for date rape. For you on the squad who have attended those parties, just think how narrowly you missed having your photo in all the local papers and/or being assaulted.

There’s not a female alive (or male either) who doesn’t like attention. But you need to learn to deal with attention you receive from the public (and especially the players) without it getting out of hand and going to your head.

In Summary: the Raiders players will probably make you their mistress or maybe try to rape you (and the organization knows about it), but it’s not on the players or the organization to stop those things. No, it’s on you to not let either of those things happen. Also, don’t be a attention loving whore, please. Thanks.


Shape

(From an article titled “14 Things Men Wish Women Knew”)

“Things I wish women knew? If you trim your hair, don’t get upset if we don’t notice. Help us along by actually wearing it in a different style that day. Also, we actually like going shopping with you, as long as you let us pick out your outfit. And, sometimes we wonder why someone as amazing as you wants to be with us.” — Lalo Fuentes, Celebrity Trainer

“Ladies, we don’t like when you’re laughing too hard at another man’s jokes. Unless we’re at a comedy club or he’s your father, there’s no reason for that.” — Thomas Howard, NFL Linebacker

(From an article titled “What Men Really Think About Your Makeup”)

“I think a lot of makeup actually makes women look worse. Have you ever noticed how the women look on the final episode of Survivor, when they’re back from the island and finally get all made up? They go from being naturally beautiful individuals to sort of generically pretty.” — Glenn Yeffeth

 

“Bottom line: if she looks good with her hair up eating Chinese food and wearing sweat pants, then she doesn’t need makeup.” — Andy Mellenbrink, Financial Consultant

 

In summary: I’m glad these random men from random fields have so many contradictory opinions about what all women should do!


In case you were wondering, here is my personal list,  “6 Things That a Man Should Never, Ever Do:”

  1. Make lists about what women should do in any context.
  2. Make lists about what women should do for any reason.
  3. Make lists about what women should do ever.
  4. Make lists about what women should do. Seriously.
  5. Make lists about what women should do—no one wants your opinion.
  6. Make lists about what women should do. No one f*cking asked you.