A Few Ways to Get Back at Your Terrible Ex This Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s is around the corner, which means that people everywhere are hating their sh*tty exes more than usual. No one likes to admit it, but breakups have a tendency to bring out the pettiness in all of us, and Valentine’s Day only intensifies that pettiness. You know it’s true.
It used to be really risky and time consuming to execute petty revenge plans on ex-lovers, but the internet has made it easy to get back at those who’ve broken your heart—and to do it anonymously. Sure, they’ll probably figure out that you’re the petty b*tch sending them stuff, but do you really care? No.
So, I’ve supplied two different breakup songs depending on your mood (Hey Violet’s “Fuqboi” and Beyoncé’s “Best Thing I Never Had”). Pick one, press play, and let’s go through some ways to make your ex low-key miserable. Sound fun? Good.
If you’ve found someone new, but are still harboring some seriously ill-will towards an ex who wronged you, go with the classic—flaunt your new boo on social media. Specifically, post pictures of you and your new SO at places you loved to go with your ex. Post them on every form of social media, but I think that Snapchat stories work best since you can see who saw it and when. Make sure that the preview doesn’t give away that you’re snapping your Valentine’s celebration to ensure they watch it. Sit back and wait until they watch. Feel vindicated in your knowledge that you are completely, totally, definitely over them and that fact is probably killing them. Well done.
The “Damn, That’s Cold”
This one is simple. If they text you for any reason leading up to Valentine’s Day you must “New Phone, Who Dis” them. No matter how much you want to talk to them. Do it. Do it. It’s the best revenge that can ever be taken on an ex that reaches back out. Trust. Me.
The Free Option
Maybe you don’t have money to burn, but you do want to revel in knowing that your actions are proving mildly inconvenient for your ex. Fear not! There is a way. This is a pretty low-investment/low-reward route which is honestly a great option if you’re not sure you’re ready to go full John Tucker Must Die on this person. There is a great part of Reddit called “Freebies,” on which people post links to all kinds of free stuff different companies are offering online (Side note: it’s honestly great just for you, too, you should check it out). Anyway, as for revenge, all you need is your ex’s address.
Go on there, find some weird freebie sign-ups (they do laxatives, make-up, obscure magazines, you name it) and go to town. I would recommend using a fake email address because they will get those “thanks for signing up” emails which will take away the surprise. Go do this every few days and four to six weeks from when you start, their mailbox will be eternally full of free samples that they don’t want. Not to mention that their spam mail to real mail ratio will be thrown totally out of whack. You’re welcome.
The “One Step Further”
If you’re still reading than it means that you’re really serious about exacting revenge. Congrats. You’re savage, and I love it. It also means that maybe you’re willing to dedicate some time and/or money to this endeavor. Cool. Here are some low-key ruthless things you can send to them anonymously for a small fee.
- Bag of Dicks ($15)—This is a good option if you don’t want to be too mean, but still want them to eat a bag of dicks. These gummy penises will get the message across, but will also give them a delicious treat to eat. It’s kind of rude on the surface, but in the end they get candy so they can’t be too mad.
- Bag of Dicks, with a bit more staying power ($17)—A similar option, but without the candy silver lining. These handmade dick magnets pack a bit more punch. They’re more realistic and less delicious, though still functional. Chance are they’ll throw them right in the trash, but hey—you get the satisfaction of knowing that they got a mystery package and opened it to find a literal bag of tiny penises, so there is that. They also come in a “Glow-in-the-Dark Donald Dick” option, which is really fun if you want to get a bit political with your revenge.
- Sack of Sh*t ($17)–One more from this amazing Etsy account. This bag of poop magnets is also a good choice if your revenge desires are a little more PG-13 than NC-17.
- Poopsenders ($15.95-$50)—Functional magnets shaped like poop don’t feel like enough? Send them actual, literal, animal poop. I don’t love this idea because that is disgusting, but hey, I don’t know how this person wronged you. Maybe they really do deserve an actual pile of sh*t.
The Artsy Option
If you do want them to know exactly who it’s from, but you don’t want it to be too irritating you can send them one of these gorgeous “F*ck You” cross stitches ($13). There’s something that feels actually kind of classy in such a direct and elegant approach to telling an ex how you feel. Or, you can invest in a cross stitch pattern instead and make it yourself. That way you’re not only telling them to go to hell, but you’re learning a new skill in the process!
Squash ‘Em Like a Bug
For a newer and more innovative approach, the Bronx Zoo is offering the naming rights to their Madagascan Hissing Cockroaches to the public. For $10 the zoo will officially name a cockroach whatever you want and send you a certificate proving that one of these disgusting creatures now shares a name with your ex. For a bit more dough, they’ll also send you a stuffed cockroach (ew) and a box of chocolates.
The Nuclear Option
The OG Glitter Bomb ($9.99) has been going around the internet for a while now, but just because it’s a bit older doesn’t mean it won’t make your ex’s life miserable for a minute. Mind you, this is a blow-out option. It’s not just a message, it’s a chore because glitter is the most devious art supply. This stuff gets everywhere.
They will be picking glitter out of their hair, clothes, armpits, and everywhere else for weeks. That said, they’ll probably put the pieces together and realize that this was you, so keep in mind that it will likely lead to them being mad at you. Then again, when they reach out you can be like “well, you broke my heart into a million pieces, so I guess we’re even.” Or just hit them with a “new phone, who dis,” which is also delicious revenge as noted above.
The “Let’s Get Creative”
Here’s an idea if you don’t want to spend your own money, but want them to spend theirs instead. Order an incredible amount of food to their home but say you’ll pay in cash. In theory, they will have to pay for the food then figure out what to do with 100 dumplings or 30 pizzas (or both). Keep in mind that this has a high risk of backfiring becuase there is always a change they’ll just refuse to pay for it. That said, it’s worth a try? (FYI if they do refuse to pay for it, you should follow up with the restaurant because you don’t want them to lose the money or the delivery driver to have to pay for it… On second thought, maybe don’t do this).
The Best Revenge
It’s clichéd as hell, but in reality the best revenge is to legitimately move on. I know that’s not always possible, but if you can swing it, rise above. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, anyone who ruins you enough for you to consider exacting any of these revenge plans of them will be hurt way more by what you don’t say than what you do. People who need to completely break someone else in a breakup can only be broken by being forgotten.
If that doesn’t seem like enough, though, you can always send them a Bag of Dicks. That’s also a fair choice.